Disagree better

When a disagreement in front of others gets difficult, there’s a simple remedy for avoiding two common pitfalls such conversations bring with them. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Deflecting blame, denying responsibility, and minimizing negative impact are defensive behaviors that make problem-solving conversations frustrating. To reduce defensiveness and increase their willingness to take responsibility, use this research-supported approach when you confront. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylensk...

Better conflict resolution habits don’t start with learning a new approach and then trying it in your next difficult conversation. Just as you wouldn’t start running and try a marathon the following week, better conflict resolution habits begin with a slow, steady build. Here are some ways to start strong and build from there. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new epi...

When we argue, and particularly when we argue with loved ones and colleagues — those with whom we are in ongoing relationship — the argument has three threads at its core. It doesn’t matter what we’re arguing about; those three threads are there. When we attend to those three threads, we set the stage for a much better conversation. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of n...

Sometimes the best comeback after an insult -- the comeback that actually does something for us instead of to them -- is no comeback at all, as the following Zen koan so beautifully illustrates. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

The Space Between is now called Disagree Better

When we want to reduce animosity and increase empathy toward a group or individual, we may try perspective-taking, the act of trying to stand in their shoes and view the situation from their perspective. But what if there’s something even more powerful for the job? Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

A subscriber emailed me with the question, “How do I know when I’ve figured out the real problem or issue?” It’s a question worth unpacking and I have an alternative question to propose. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Five ways to stop "less-than"-ing during conflict and conflict resolution. To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Conflict spirals are patterns of friction or tension that worsen over time. Distancing spirals are a particularly insidious form of conflict spiral because they cause relationship damage while we think we’re doing nothing wrong at all. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Self-coaching questions for conflict resolution. Find the QueryCards here . Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Practicing scales is an elegantly simple way to get a read on where someone stands along a continuum. It’s useful for illuminating the nuances in disagreements that sound polarized. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Ruminating — dwelling on troubled thoughts and feelings — impairs good decision-making and can make us more aggressive. It’s a seductive habit and I really want everyone to develop alternatives that serve us better. Maybe one of these three alternatives to rumination will be a good replacement habit for you. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically...

When someone is upset, one familiar response is to ignore it and forge ahead. Another is to try to make them feel better with kind reassurance. Both of these approaches are a version of “make it go away.” There’s a third, more fruitful approach: Turn toward it. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

They say that if we see a pothole on the road in front of us and we focus on it, we will inadvertently steer right toward it. To avoid the pothole, the trick is to broaden our view and focus on where we actually want to go. This kind of deliberate focusing of our attention on the kind of future we want is essential in conflict resolution too, as this negotiation story from U.S. President Jimmy Car...

It’s possible to turn criticism into a positive conversation, whether you’re the recipient of someone’s criticism or you’ve gotten feedback about being too critical. The key is to find the hidden message the criticism is trying to convey. Here’s how to do that. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Conflict is very good at creating listening barriers. When they’re talking we’re only half listening while we wait to talk, formulate our comeback, struggle to keep calm, and fall into other habits that get in the way of good listening. If you’re in a position to help someone come back into good listening, try these four questions to prompt the return (you can use them with yourself, too). Find th...

When negative experiences leave someone with strong emotional memories, discussing those experiences during conflict resolution can be tricky territory. The solution isn’t to suppress discussion of negative events or ask people to set aside their strong emotions. Recent research offers insight into a simple way to navigate emotional memories in a way that reduces the negative side effects. Find th...

There’s a new book out, Living Together, Separating, Divorcing: Surviving During a Pandemic , released yesterday on Amazon. The brainchild of Michael Lang and Peter Nicholson, the book features conflict resolution advice for couples and families from over 70 mediators and related professionals from 10 countries. Here’s my contribution and more details about the collective wisdom in the book. Find...

When someone won’t change their behavior, we may try to persuade them by fiat or information. Both approaches can work, but too often, they fail. Here are three reasons force and facts fail to persuade and what to try instead. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Life looks different for most of us than it did a few weeks ago. The dramatic changes in the rhythm of our lives, the economic uncertainty, and the anxiety about health and safety are breeding grounds for stress and conflict. Here are a few things you can do to get ahead of conflict while working from home during the coronavirus pandemic. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcript...

By the time we decide to get help with a conflict, or by the time we’re called in to help others, the conflict has often become chronic or acute. Chronic conflict and acute conflict are harder to resolve and more likely to damage personal and workplace relationships. Resolution of chronic or acute conflict is reactive. Upstream conflict resolution is proactive and mitigates acute and chronic confl...

Rumination, or dwelling on anger or hurt after a conflict, isn’t a helpful habit. To stop ruminating at night or any other time you find yourself dwelling on your distress, here’s a thought exercise to help you stop the endless and potentially harmful loop. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

In the midst of conflict it’s hard to get a fresh perspective about the situation or the other person. This simple question is excellent for tempering our certainty, engaging our curiosity, and sparking a shift in perspective when we need it most. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Sound decisions, healthy team dynamics, and resilient personal and professional relationships don’t require or even particularly benefit from an absence of conflict. When there’s conflict and tension, the goal isn’t to abolish it, but to navigate it in ways that prevent damage and inspire deeper consideration of solutions. The goal is to disagree better. Find the transcript with links here . To re...