Disagree better

We use tools to do something more effectively and efficiently. But just like physical tools, ill-chosen conflict resolution tools will not yield the results we need. Here are three questions to help choose and use the right conflict resolution tools for the moment. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

One reason disagreements turn into conflict and ongoing tension is our failure to see — or acknowledge that we see — the other person in the way they most deeply wish to be seen in the world. One way to disagree better is to respond to their bid to be seen, not with miserly reticence, but with generosity of spirit. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automa...

If you believe someone is aggressive, could they behave more aggressively with you than with others? If someone believes you are a hostile person, are you likely to act more hostile when you interact with them? It’s called behavioral confirmation and if you’re interested in your own or others’ conflict behavior, it’s worth understanding. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts...

Only people we love and care deeply about can make us so angry we want to blow a gasket, says famed Star Trek actor George Takei. When someone or something we care deeply about sparks big anger, here’s a way to turn anger into curiosity and use it positively. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

The outset of a difficult conversation often feels like a back-and-forth trading of position and perspective with little common ground. Here’s how to use the psychology of agreement to begin shifting that kind of positional debate to collaborative problem solving. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

It feels productive to toss out ideas for a solution and demonstrate how much we want to help. But it’s usually unproductive if we haven’t done something essential first: Make sure we understand the problem from their frame of reference. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When we’re overwhelmed by a difficult conversation, one reason can be that we’re too focused on the horizon and not focused enough on the very next step. A very helpful mindset in moments like this is to “do the next right thing.” Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When we listen well, sometimes others hog air time and just keep talking. It’s an inadvertent, and often unwelcome, side effect of good listening. Here’s a way I like to handle long-winded talkers that’s both effective and kind. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When confronting difficult behavior, we typically focus on what we want the other person to stop doing. Sometimes this works. But too often, we create a “behavior vacuum” with this approach, making it harder for them to stop the difficult behavior. Here’s how to avoid this common misstep. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammy...

When we want to control emotions better in the midst of a difficult conversation, we may try to ignore the unwelcome emotion or try the opposite, indulge it. These approaches don’t work very well in the face of incapacitating emotions. But something else does: Give the emotion a name. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylens...

Blame vs contribution — the differences are straightforward to grasp intellectually, yet sometimes tricky to employ effectively in conflict situations. Here are a few ways to shift a conversation from blame to contribution without appearing to blame the victim. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When we say we want to understand someone, but then view them through our own judgmentalism, we’re not being honest with ourselves. Compassion and understanding go hand in hand — when we let them. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

The way we approach problem solving influences the solutions we can see — and are willing to see. When problem solving gets stuck, sometimes the best way to get unstuck isn’t to keep searching for better options or downgrade our expectations, but to flip the problem we’re trying to solve. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammy...

When you can’t agree even with your best effort, having fallback criteria can break the agreement logjam and allow you get on with other things. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

The Einstellung effect is a cognitive trap that prevents us from seeing better or simpler solutions to problems we’re trying to solve. Here’s how to recognize it and reduce its effect. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Conflict has a way of magnifying our bad listening habits. I frequently see the following listening habits get in the way of constructive and collaborative problem-solving during conflict and thought I’d flag them for attention. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When we get into a conflict with someone, it’s natural to replay our experience of the conflict, both in our minds and as we tell others about it. Over time, this replay can begin to feel like The Truth About What Happened. But it isn’t. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

Gravity problems make conflict resolution more difficult because they sidetrack us from actionable problems. Here’s how to recognize gravity problems when you see them, why they’re troublesome, and how to prevent them from hijacking resolution. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ . r

There are some problems and squabbles that aren’t worth our effort to pursue. Maybe we’re never going to see that person again, or it’s a small enough problem that we know we won’t care about it in a few days, weeks, or months. If your mind keeps chewing on little problems like these, try this brief visualization for letting them go. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of...

Most people don’t want to be wrangled into doing something you want but they don’t. Here are three ways to turn them into your problem-solving partners and overcome resistance. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

When I ask clients why they let a problem go on for so long before addressing it, a common reply is, “I was afraid I’d create more conflict by raising it.” It’s an understandable fear. Here are some tried-and-true ways to raise an issue for discussion without making matters worse. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.c...

When a difficult conversation rattles you, using a centering question can help you get your balance back. Here are favorite centering questions I share with my clients, along with guidelines for developing your own. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

What we believe about anger has an impact on what happens during emotionally charged conflict. Relief from the suffering of conflict can come from them changing how they act on their anger, of course. And it can also come from us changing how we think about anger. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

We like to think of ourselves as rational beings, and yet we act irrationally in all sorts of ways. One way we act irrationally is with a type of faulty reasoning we use for decisions both large and small, influencing not just the agreements we reach, but also the process we use to reach those agreements. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, s...

Most difficult conversations ebb and flow between good progress and difficult moments, those times it’s a challenge to access our best selves and skills. Here are five common difficult moments and five powerful questions to help you through them. Find the transcript with links here . To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .