Disagree better

Should our conflict partners have to earn or deserve our good graces for us to show them generosity of spirit when they’re acting badly? Here’s a way to disagree better even when we think we’re handling the encounter well and they’re not. Episode transcript Seeing the equal human in front of us Susan Cain's website To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subs...

Like a movie trailer, your Stuck Story is a montage of the most interesting moments in a conflict, with certain scenes magnified and others omitted. It’s not the story of the conflict; it’s your story of the conflict. It’s not helpful to keep repeating your Stuck Story, either to yourself or to others. Here’s why and how to stop the unintended rehearsals. Episode transcript About neural pathways M...

Stonewalling makes conflict conversations more difficult and can damage vital relationships. So what can you do if you want to talk out a problem, but the other person is stonewalling? Start by understanding how the present circumstances may be driving the behavior. Episode transcript When they're not ready to talk How to navigate the "not my problem" problem A question to help make sure you're so...

I'm on summer break and will be back with a new episode next month. In the meantime, enjoy this replay from the archives. Episode transcript To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here .

When someone is steadfastly committed to their position in an argument, the best we can do sometimes is create just a tiny bit of wiggle room in their thinking, enough to soften their position and give the conversation somewhere to go. Here’s one way to do it. Episode transcript The Knowledge Illusion by Steven Sloman and Philip Fernbach To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus T...

It’s hard to stand in someone else’s shoes when we’re in the middle of a conflict with them, even when we know that understanding their perspective is important. Here’s a trick of the mind that makes perspective-taking easier. Episode transcript The Zen of Listening by Rebecca Shafir The negative effects of trying to stand in their shoes More on practicing in low-stakes situations To automatically...

Conflict and suffering are bedfellows. When we’re trying to help others in conflict, whether as mediators, leaders, or family members, we can help them better if we can turn toward their suffering instead of withdrawing from it. Episode transcript An article about Epstein's and Black's work Small caring actions to ease suffering Every conflict contains a bid to be seen To automatically receive tra...

Most of us sit down together to sort out tension and conflict. We meet over coffee, or gather at the conference table, or sit down for a family meeting. We might well benefit more from walking conflict resolution than sitting, and here’s the science to explain why. Episode transcript 2014 Stanford University research 2022 Max Planck Institute research A long walk with two mediation clients To auto...

My conflict work used to center squarely on helping people have the conversations that resolve conflict. As my work has shifted over the last decade to being more about helping people approach conflict in ways that don’t require my presence to be successful, some of what I do is about shifting conflict-related habits. Here’s one approach that can be very powerful. Episode transcript The "as if" te...

When faced with a problem, we often ask ourselves or others, “What should we do?” It’s not a bad question at all, but research suggests a better question for prompting more creative solutions. Episode transcript The 2018 research Source of the restaurant story To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here .

Sure, it’s good to pick your fights. Life is short, after all. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid the small fights as a matter of course. The small fights are the places you get better managing your own or others’ conflicts, preparing you for more difficult conversations. Episode transcript The problem with totalizing The sample list of things to practice, along with information about each To...

When conflict kindles unwelcome emotions, we want relief. There’s a well-researched emotion regulation technique that reliably dampens the effect of unwelcome emotions, and all we need to remember is one simple question. Episode transcript The 2007 research The 2018 research The 2021 research Using writing to boost performance in pressure-filled situations To automatically receive transcripts of n...

When we try to talk out a problem with someone, and conversation hasn’t yielded the results we hoped, we may find ourselves withdrawing from them. But as Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai reminds us, there’s often a better choice. Episode transcript The conversation between Nobel Peace Prize laureate Malala Yousafzai and Dr. Laurie Santos More on my grad students' assignment to have a di...

Confronting is an essential conflict resolution and supervisory skill, yet it can feel risky and uncomfortable. We don’t want to seem confrontational or aggressive, and we do want to feel confident that confronting might make a difference. Here’s a mediator’s tip for how to confront someone and raise an issue without seeming antagonistic or argumentative. Episode transcript Evaluating whether we s...

Highly effective listening is a conflict resolution superpower — it reduces defensiveness, diminishes extreme reaction, and increases open-mindedness. And it’s learnable. To be a highly effective listener, pay particular attention to these three essential components of great listening. Episode transcript The journal article Every conflict contains a bid to be seen Multitasking is bad for good list...

Recurring conflict doesn’t automatically signal that a personal or professional relationship is in trouble. Teams, couples, and families that experience conflict can develop a figurative “stress wood” that makes for resilient relationships. Episode transcript About Biosphere 2 About trees and stress wood How conflict avoidance can cause bigger conflict later When parents avoid disagreeing in front...

When you're tempted to dismiss someone's concern as trivial or roll your eyes at the things people find to fight over, it's time to sit up straight and pay attention. You're missing something, and it could be important. Episode transcript Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here .

This episode is a little different than my usual episodes -- I'm sharing Lu Hanessian's interview of me for The Foreseeable Now podcast. I hope you'll use the link below to listen to our wide-ranging conversation about good conflict resolution. Find the interview here To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, subscribe here .

You’ll be a better listener when you disagree with someone if you can first master better listening in your everyday conversations. Here’s a good place to start: Trade shift responses for support responses. Episode transcript Celeste Headlee Charles Derber Stealing someone's story Holding the space Buy Tammy a coffee To automatically receive transcripts of new episodes, plus Tammy's newsletter, su...

When frustration or anger hijacks us, we may say or do things we regret. Here’s an uncomplicated mindfulness technique for managing the urge to lash out — and for managing other troublesome impulses too. Episode transcript Why it's hard to reason someone back into reasonableness Why it's good to interrupt rumination Buy Tammy a coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, plus Tamm...

Once we’ve sorted out our differences, is the conflict over? Or does it leave a residual experience that can drag us down again? Episode transcript Pema Chödrön's Getting Unstuck More about the power of perceived understanding in relationships Kintsugi and the art of mending relationship conflict When conflict is real but not true Tammy's book, The Conflict Pivot Tammy on twitter Buy Tammy a coffe...

We all have our own preferred conversational rules of engagement. When things are going well, it’s easy to overlook someone violating what we consider to be conversational norms. But when conflict enters the picture, our Ghost Rules can contribute to tension and escalation. Episode transcript Two ghost rules my husband and I had when we met The conflict resolution toolbox Buy Tammy a coffee To rec...

When solving a problem seems well and truly hopeless, a certain kind of question can clear roadblocks and boost creative problem-solving. These ultimate questions deserve a permanent place in our conflict resolution and problem-solving toolkits. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe...

When we’re on the verge of being swamped by anger, having a pre-chosen anger reset can save the day. Here are a few anger resets I suggest to clients I’m coaching or in anticipation of mediation, including ones I use myself. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of new episodes automatically, subscribe at tammylenski.com/subscribe/ .

The fact that we disagree — even strongly — isn’t what damages personal or professional relationships. It’s how well we make use of practices that buffer our vital relationships from the detrimental effects of conflict. In other words, it’s how well we safeguard “the space between” through the way we disagree. Find the transcript with links here Buy Tammy a cup of coffee To receive transcripts of...