Deliver The Profile

Beyond Borders time. In "Lost Souls" come for the reductive trip to Tanzania by way of Los Angeles, stay for the cartoon animals. Ronnie is dosed on Valium so don't expect the highest energy performance. What do you expect, it's a show too racist for the Trump Administration.

The promised Kraven the Hunter podcast is finally here, as Ronnie and Jazz provide an epitaph for the Sony Spider-Man Minus Spider-Man Cinematic Universe in what may be its worst installment yet.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the smash box office hit Sonic the Hedgehog 3 , featuring Keanu Reeves as Shadow the Hedgehog and Jim Carrey as multiple Robotniks.

The boys discuss Season 10's "Lockdown" and mostly talk about how much they miss Oz.

Here it is: Criminal Minds' effort to interpret creepypasta in "Hashtag". Who is the Mirror Man? If your photo has him poorly Photoshopped onto it are you marked for death? Find out in one of the dumbest Criminal Minds yet. You might recognize the line "fear this, mirror bitch" from the show's opening theme!

A real humdinger of an episode this week with "All That Remains", a show so memorable Ronnie thought the podcast had already covered it. But actually there's a lot going for it: Ken Olin (thirtysomething) wakes up to find his daughters missing...on the anniversary of his wife's disappearance. Is he the culprit? Probably. Or is someone framing him for the crimes? Probably not, but keep in mind this...

Lois & Clark superfan Chris Ludovici (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie) joins Ronnie on the podcast today as they discuss "Risky Business", perhaps one of the most maliciously stupid episodes of Criminal Minds. The BAU is called in to investigate suicides that are actually the culprit of a choking website compels kids in nowheresville Wyoming to choke themselves competitively. Why would someone make...

Guest shots guest shots guest shots. This time Ronnie is joined by Daniel Daughhetee (Thrawnderdome) to talk about "Empty Planet", an episode about a serial bomber whose bombings are based on obscure sci-fi literature. Who better to decode this nonsense than sci-fi nerd Daniel Daughhetee? Along the way we recommend some actual good stuff and explain why Daniel prefers Joe Mantegna to Mandy Patinki...

JJ takes a stalking case personally--is it because she's a girl or is there some other culprit? We learn in this episode that the bicep is the penis equivalent for network television and Ronnie recounts his disastrous viewing of My Date With Drew, a real horror show. Also, Rossi and Hotch are letting the kids handle stalking as they interview a battered woman. It's real Grade A stuff.

The boys discuss the final ever until the next one Venom movie, The Last Dance. Yes, Venom dances, so really the title lives up to its promise. What else does Venom 3 have? More symbiotes, more MCU actors in non-MCU roles, a Maroon 5 song, a road trip that doesn't really go anywhere and, of course, SILLY VOICES. Listen as Ronnie and Jazz talk for more than the length of the actual movie about how...

Not a dream! Not a hallucination! Not an imaginary story! Deliver The Profile's victory lap culminates in revisiting two series from the show's past: Manimal and Night Man. They're back, and they're together, in the Night Man episode "Manimal". No description of the insanity that unfolds will do it justice so why don't you click the play button and hear it for yourself?

Ronnie and Jazz spend nearly two hours dissecting the one, the only Road House. The ONLY Road House. When fat and tough were indistinguishable, a bouncer's natural enemy was a John Cassavetes staple, and Sam Elliott was a hard trodden 45 year old. Play us out, Jeff Healey Band!

Here it is, it's finally here: the season finale of Criminal Minds: Evolution Part Deux. Who will live? Who will die? Whose fate will be called into question despite the fact that we know no principal cast member is going to die at this juncture? In "Save The Children", the Gold Stars kidnap Prentiss and it's up to Voit the serial killer to help the team find her. Ronnie and Jazz are just glad it'...

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the penultimate episode of Season 17, "Stars and Stripes", the new Crow movie (which bombed so badly it's already out of theatres by the time this description is being written), Glover and more. "Stars and Stripes" introduces new villains such as "pedophile mercenary" and "black girl who's shot in the head almost immediately". It's almost over.

Scandalous! In one of the shortest podcasts in years, Ronnie and Jazz dissect "North Star", episode 8 of this bullshit season 17. Rossi and Gideon's ex-wife kiss! Something happens to Damien! We meet Voit's lawyer, and he's played by a Shield alum! You'll find out why this podcast is under an hour because that's about all there is to this episode.

It's episode 300, something neither of the hosts recognized while recording, so prepare to be disappointed if you're expecting fanfare. What do we have? Well, there's a guy melting dudes in his basement. You know shit is real when the episode begins with a "Viewer discretion is advised" screen. What else happens? Oh yeah, convicted felon Felicity Huffman joins the show as Mandy Patinkin's ex-wife!...

JJ and Prentiss get high in "Message in a Bottle", one of the dumbest hours this show has ever delivered us. Not since "Eyes Wide Shut" has marijuana been portrayed so poorly. But at least there's other plot, such as Tyler running afoul of an ex-girlfriend and David Rossi cleaning a gun.

Jazz is sick (again), explaining the delay in the DTP spigot. Fear not, though, the boys are back and ready to talk about "Conspiracy vs. Theory", the halfway point of Season 17 of Criminal Minds. Psycho Pete returns, Voit joins some sort of Suicide Squad, Politico cares about Paget Brewster beating up Paul F. Tompkins, and Ronnie finds a new favorite character. He also explains what Quibi is to J...

Eyes are still being taken out in "Kingdom of the Blind", episode 4 of the interminable slog that is Criminal Minds: Evolution: Season 2. This time the enucleator draws little tattoos on herself after committing the act, like Mr. Zsasz. Unlike Mr. Zsasz, nobody even approaching Alan Grant or Norm Breyfogle's talent level is working on this shit. Also, Sicarius meets with his family and Prentiss is...

Remember when Voit whispered something to Alvez and it pissed him off something fierce? Well, we find out what it is and it involves porn. Of the BAU. Rossi steamrolling Elle Greenaway while Reid wanks off in the corner. Presumably. There's also a guy who kills people on moving day. As someone who's moved multiple times in their life, being murdered would be a fine respite from moving day. "Homesi...

They said it couldn't be done. Yes, it's TWO Criminal Minds recaps in one podcast! Ronnie and Jazz burned the midday oil for YOU, the listener, so YOU could be up to date on the comings and goings of the BAU in Season 17: Evolution 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sicarius the serial killer is in custody, Director Richard Schiff (now regenerated into looking like Clark Gregg) wants to make a deal with him, a...

Send in the clowns! Yes, Virginia, Criminal Minds did a fucking clown episode, and it's spectacular. Or stupid. One of those. A clown is killing men and leaving the kids alone, reversing the Pennywise paradigm popularized in Stephen King's child pornography book. What results is a cautionary tale about the death of the American Dream as it pertains to clowning. "The Capilanos" is a load of Italian...

Gubler Month continues with "Alchemy", a not very subtle episode that depicts different kinds of grief. One kind kills men in some ill-fated fertility experiment. The other involves dancing inside your own mind.

This week: child abduction! Sparkle Motion from  Donnie Darko and Bud Cort take kids from carnivals and do...something to them. Not what you think, though! Also: Ann Cusack overcomes  a drinking problem and Morgan acts like a dick. "Mosley Lane", everyone! Directed by the Gube himself.

In "Cradle to Grave", some guy is forcing women to bear his child in a sexual dungeon. Just as important is Hotch training Morgan to take his job now that he's too Reaper-spooked to do it effectively. Season 5, y'all.