Deliver The Profile

In "The Replicator", the Replicator finally stands revealed. Is it disappointing? You better BELIEVE IT.

This week Hotch has to bail his shitbag brother out of trouble as he's involved in some tainted wine scandal. Look, the only reason we're doing "Brothers Hotchner" is it leads directly into the Season 8 finale that botches the Replicator overarching storyline. Get ready for a lot of eye bleeding.

The Replicator "saga" kicks into high gear with "Carbon Copy", a case about a guy killing nurses and removing their eyelids...replicating the very signature of the blood painting guy from last episode. Zugs get zwanged, Scott Grimes shows up and Criminal Minds proves that the wrongly accused are just criminals that haven't committed crimes yet. All that and more in an all-new DELIVER THE PROFILE!

Leap into Season 8 with "Magnum Opus", an episode about Reid grieving his fake phone girlfriend getting real murdered by Dawn from Buffy the best way he knows how: by solving a serial case that may or may not involve a vampire. All the team knows is somebody in San Francisco is killing people, draining their blood and cutting off their eyelids. Will Reid & Morgan Meet Dracula or is it something du...

To Season 7 we go with "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy", which is about a mass suicide at a military academy run by the guy who played Odo on Star Trek. There's some bullying involved, but surprisingly no child molestation, so credit to Criminal Minds. This one is loose so buckle in!

Bustin' makes me feel vaguely depressed! Ronnie and Jazz suffer through the fifth Ghostbusters movie, which has like five jokes in it. Why is there a talking ghost girl, and why are the ramifications of that swept aside in favor of an undercooked lesbian coming of age subplot? Does Bill Murray actively want to die every moment he's on screen? Why did EVERYONE relocate to New York City? It's a stup...

Season 14 is over...for now. "Sick and Evil" is about haunted houses, a woman heavily invested in her Maine town's "lore" (don't CALL IT THAT), and Rossi still smarts from getting his ass kicked by the Chameleon. More slop from the CBS trough that your inteprid hosts have to pore through for the sake of comedy. What a world.

In "Ashley", misbegotten main character Ashley Seaver does NOT return. Instead it's some missing child Season 14 bullshit. Ah, c'est la vie.

Season 14 rolls on with "Twenty Seven", an episode about machete murders in DC that occur every 27 minutes. Is it stupid or is someone trying to make a dumbass point? Both! Meanwhile, Prentiss gets the least charismatic love interest ever. Good thing we cover these out of order so we already know this romance ultimately goes nowhere. MENDOZA!!!!! (That's his name, not just a Simpsons reference.)

It's time to stare at the sun, by which we mean return to watching Sony's Spider-Man without Spider-Man movies. 

I guess the episode title spoils the twist. Oops. Otherwise it's a pretty typical Criminal Minds episode, which is to say it's not good. And there's a Garcia subplot. Why even live anymore.

Season 14 slog continues on with "Rule 34", which, yes, we get it. It's terrible but we get it. Somebody is sending body parts in the mail to random women and if you guessed a predatory homosexual was behind it, congratulations. Also, one of Simmons' 17 kids gets in trouble at school and who could possibly care. It's another week in the mines for your boys at Deliver The Profile.

In Season 14's "Starter Home" a young couple finds mummified bodies in their walls. This looks like a job for the BAU! Joe Mantegna and the gang unwrap a tedious tale of teen rebellion, arrested development, undelivered mail and more. Also, Joe Mantegna sees if his ex-wife's daughter's new boyfriend is a serial killer or not. You'll be pleasantly surprised to find out which it is.

In "Safe Haven", apparently you can drop off anybody under 18 at a hospital in Nebraska and they just have to deal with it. That plus Morgan has to deal with a nine year old who scammed her way across America. Criminal Minds was running on fumes even by Season 6, folks.

"The Longest Night" finishes off Tim Curry and starts off Season 6. Morgan gets angry! JJ becomes a hostage negotiator! More closeups of dirty teeth! It's a scene, man. 

The boys are back in 2024, ready to discuss Criminal Minds again. This time it's "Our Darkest Hour", aka the one about Tim Curry driving around in an RV and smoking crack. Will The Prince of Darkness, as he's called, beguile our heroes or will he just kill some nobodies while Leonard Cohen songs play? As always, listen to the pod to find out.

Happy 2024!

AKA The Christmas Eve Miracle.

Because of a promise made in haste a year ago that somehow came to anything, for the next three episodes Ronnie and Jazz will be reviewing the saddest of all trilogies, the Angels in the Outfield series. This first one has FOUR Oscar winners, not that you could tell by their performances. Listen to the boys rag on child actors, muse over "Ranch Wilder" as a name and as a concept, and Ronnie in par...

Dr. Daniel Daughhetee joins the Five Timers Club as he and Ronnie dissect "Hamelin", a Season 14 episode of Criminal Minds that reimagines the Pied Piper into something even dumber. JJ reconnects with her mom, the BAU is basically useless and the episode makes the case that the worst thing that can happen to a kid is to be wrongly teased that his dad is a pedophile. Check out Thrawnderdome for mor...

Where is Wallace indeed. He's in "The Inspired", the not very inspired second part of the Season 9 premiere.

Part one of a really, really dumb t wo parter. 

T wo-Parter Madness continues (yes it's another theme) with our take on "Memoriam". Is Reid's dad as fascinating as you'd think? No, of course not. Is he a child molester? Find out by listening to Deliver The Profile.

In what may be the podcast's shortest episode yet outside of those weird early installments, this one takes on "The Instincts", part one of a boring two parter that's mainly about Reid's dreams. Child abduction too but mostly Reid's dreams. Speaking of, REED Diamond is in "The Instincts" playing a concerned father. Remember The Shield? Hell, remember Homicide? There really is not a lot to talk abo...

To celebrate Ronnie staying sober for seven years, the boys 'treat' themselves to a Season 1 episode, "Machismo".