Deliver The Profile

What if you did Die Hard, decades after we were assaulted with a slate of Die Hard ripoffs, on a network television budget, starring the guy from The Wheel of Time? You get "Ex Parte", a hostage situation made all the more perilous by one of the captives being Simmons' wife. Come for the derivative plotting and stay for the confusing politics. Also, will Simmons get a new cell phone? He will if hi...

A witch hunter in Utah tries to kill witches and other sinners in "In The Blood", which is also the opportunity for Garcia to throw a Day of the Dead party. We meet creeps, volunteers at the library, secret drug addicts and finally learn which dead comrades the BAU considers worth celebrating. If you guessed Nikola Tesla and not Blake's dead son, you'd be right.

A vacation from ourselves as Daniel slots in for Jazz in this episode of Deliver The Profile. "Open Season" is about men hunting other men, including girls. It's an early episode of the second season vintage, so that means Mandy Patinkin is there full assing what Joe Mantegna would later quarter ass. Ronnie and Daniel give the show the lampooning it deserves.

Ronnie and Jazz discuss the Josh Stewart (Criminal Minds' own Foghorn Leghorn) starring serial killer thriller The Collector.

It has been almost 100 episodes since we checked in on S.W.A.T., Shemar Moore's post-Criminal Minds show, and we thought it'd be a good time to do so in the afterglow of Criminal Minds Season 18. Vacation for Deliver The Profile involves watching Shawn Ryan's dumbest show bedevil us with incomprehensibly awesome and stupid storytelling. Land mines, someone named Torque Vaughn, a stalking subplot:...

It's over! It's finally over...until the next season, that is. "The Disciple" finishes up the Voit's Disciple arc of the show, and boy is it underwhelming. We never expected to be whelmed but Jesus. The boys vent their spleens over the stupid shit in Season 18 and the series generally. It's almost two hours, folks! Strap in and feel the Gs.

The penultimate episode of the season is upon us with the confusingly titled "CollateRal". No, we never learn with the R is upper case. This furthers the gang's investigation into The Disciple, who wants Voit back as a killer and will do anything necessary to accomplish that, including Halloween IIing a hospital. Also: Coffin Kyle returns! It's the year of Aaron Stanford, folks.

Things like "plot progression" grind to a halt in favor of a coma fantasy about Tara Lewis' committment issues. Gag me with a fucking spoon. "Tara" is not the worst episode of the series or even the season, but the paucity of inspiration is palpable. 

Do not watch this episode if you hate spiders like a little girl hates spiders. Do listen as Ronnie and Jazz try to make sense of the latest episode of Criminal Minds: Evolution, which does end with Evan Delray and a slightly more important character SHOT IN THE PARKING GARAGE LIKE DOGS. "...All The Devils Are Here"? You said it, Criminal Minds.

This week on The Minds, somebody is burying people in coffins and allowing them a phone call before they reach their demise. There's also some relationship drama betwixt Tara, Rebecca and Rebecca's ex who is the new DOJ liasion to Voit. Man, who fucking cares. Ronnie and Jazz try to.

JJ and Voit's doctor talk at length about life, the universe and everything. All doctors are every kind of doctor, apparently. The BAU also encounter The Brutal Man (hence the episode title "The Brutal Man"), some jamoke wearing a Japanese Noh Theatre mask who murders families because he hates stickers. It's stupid. We're stupid for talking about it. Everything is stupid. 

In a break from Criminal Minds: Evolution protocol, "I'm Fine, It's Fine. Everything is Fine" almost tells a complete story like the good old days when the show was a bad procedural instead of a bad serialized show. Someone posing as an EMT is abducting women and taking their skin, and readers of Ronnie's Night Man Nights column may recognize the unsub. Also more Voit shit, because there's more Vo...

Hit the road, Will, and don't you come back, no more, no more, no more, no more. "Time To Say Goodbye" covers Will's funeral and everyone is very sad. Which is weird because this episode marks a blink and miss it return from none other than THW GUBE himself, Spencer Reid. Witness his 90 seconds of screentime and marvel at his delivery of one line. Was he paid by the word? Probably! Also: more Voit...

The second episode of Evolution Season 2 introduces an unsub called The Zookeeper. (Hence the episode title "The Zookeeper".) Those wishing for Kevin James will be sorely disappointed, because it's a different fat guy altogether. Voit continues to (pretend to?) be simple, Rossi makes promises he can't keep, and at the end SOMEONE DIES. Other than the unsub. It's a thrilling hour of television if y...

We're crossing the streams with a Deliver the Profile/Thrawnderdome coproduction! Speaking of referencing other, more famous media, Ronnie and Daniel discuss Joss Whedon's ill-starred X-Men ripoff superhero ensemble drama HBO-to-Tubi original series The Nevers. Sparkless writing, dodgy special effects, weak load-bearing premises, behind the scenes disgrace, The Nevers had it all! So how did it go...

NEW SEASON! NEW SEASON! NEW SEASON ALERT! That means the Boys are knee deep in Evolution; "Swimmer's Calculus" is about a drowning unsub. Voit is also recovering from his stabbing at the end of last season. Tyler Green doesn't get to have a gun. All that and a trigger warning makes for a definite hour of television.

It's the last episode of Deliver The Profile...until the new season of Criminal Minds, that is. Don't think you got off that easily, kids. In "The Forever People" the BAU uncovers a cult that freezes people to do...something. Walt Disney? Ted Williams? Whatever. Also, JJ relives her torture from last season by hallucinating guys and getting aggressive during boxing.

In "A Place at the Table" the BAU have to solve a dinner massacre by interviewing suspects and finding out who is the most sus. Is it the son's boyfriend, the daughter's boyfriend, or DILLON? Meanwhile, Hotch runs afoul of an elderly man as he is tasked with taking care of his infirm and Alzheimer's riddled father-in-law, played by Ed Asner. It's all that and a lot of stupid shit this week on Deli...

Ever wanted to know Garcia's origin story? Too bad, you're hearing it anyway. In "The Black Queen", Garcia must regress to her past persona to help solve a case of someone killing prostitutes and the computer world is involved somehow. In the midst of this we get to meet Garcia's ex-boyfriend, aka the worst person alive. (Worse than Nicholas Brendon!) Come for the origin, stay for Jeffrey Combs. I...

Deliver The Profile takes on the apocalypse in "The Bunker", wherein somebody's kidnapping women based on the...proximity to the doomsday clock? That can't be right. Yet it is, and it results in one of the dumbest episodes ever, with some of the dumbest dialogue ever. Wait for it and you'll know.

Jazz is back in the saddle to discuss "The Witness", a Season 11 'winner' in which a guy unleashes a sarin gas attack on a Los Angeles bus and framing someone for it. He almost gets away with it too. Listen to Ronnie and Jazz tear apart Criminal Minds' attempt at homaging Arlington Road same DTP time, same DTP channel.

Daniel Daughhetee takeover fortnight concludes with a look at "Hero Worship", a bomb of a bombing episode that sees a man rescue a pregnant woman from sheer doom and then face a bombing of his own. Who is this man, and what does a dead troop living room shrine have to do with anything? All this and the Thrawnderdome banter you've grown to know and love.

Daniel appears on DTP for the 8th (!) time as we discuss "Perennials", a Season 8 episode of the show broadly about a guy killing people reborn into other people. Yes, reincarnation. How long before the BAU tracks down ghosts and goblins? Well, Ghost Whisperer's Jennifer Love Hewitt DOES enter in Season 10...

In "Amelia Porter", a bunch of dumb shit happens and the Criminal Minds crew loosely adapts the real life horrific crimes of Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. Poorly, of course. More importantly, though, Hotch cut those strings loose and is now a swinging bachelor, ready to get down and fuck. All because Beth's actress was gonna be on Prodigal Son or something.

What do you get when you combine the JFK assassination, a guy getting Todd Mulcahy'd and memory palaces? You get "Final Shot", a Season 9 Criminal Minds that is pretty bad even by Criminal Minds standards.