Deliver The Profile

In the inaugural episode of the whenever-they-feel-like-it spinoff podcast to Deliver The Profile, Talkin' 'Bout Turtles, Ronnie and Jazz are reeling from the experience of spending money to see TMNT 2: Out of the Shadows. Why the fuck is the Falcon a thing? Does Michelangelo really need to be of sub-normal intelligence? Is this for kids or is this for people who grew up during the first Turtleman...

Jazz is back after a lengthy contractual dispute and it's business as usual as Deliver The Profile tackles the prank phone call episode "The Caller"! This unsub abducts children and then harasses you on the phone about it, which proves our point: don't have children and you'll be fine. What's up with the kid in the Chewbacca mask? Who would ever choose the alias Burt Solomon? Most importantly, who...

Jazz is dead or fired or something like that, but it's time to move on, not mourn. It's either what he would have or would not have wanted, and those are some good odds. That's why Ronnie welcomes guest host Rhymes with Nerdy grand poobah Beth Auron (author of Longbourn's Songbird) into the mix. As a Criminal Minds neophyte she has a lot of uncanny yet accurate observations, like how J.J. is overl...

It's the 25th episode, and Ronnie and Jazz are waxing nostalgic with the first ep of Crim Ronnie ever saw, Season 4's "Cold Comfort"! Why does Rossi hate psychics so much? Was setting this in Olympia a deliberate effort to prevent Frasier jokes? How big is the Olympia necrophile underground? And how doesn't someone slap the shit out of Reid for pointlessly mentioning that Earth is 2/3rds water? In...

Ronnie and Jazz finally have something to talk about in Season 3's "About Face", the episode of Criminal Minds that introduces Joe Mantegna into the mix! The boys discuss what makes him a different animal from Mandy Patinkin and comb through his filmography to determine why he might have chosen the relaxing 9 to 5 of procedural pabulum. The unsub this time strategically places "have you seen me?"...

You know it's a rough episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior when the boys are unfavorably comparing it to The Following! "Lonely Heart" takes us to Ohio, California, wherein a serial killer is getting someone to murder for him from behind bars and that someone is a SHEsomeone. That's all there is to it, so don't be surprised about the free-ranging discussion of topics as diverse as Red Shoe...

We don't want to spoil the surprise in this episode, so all we'll say is that Criminal Minds goes to Alaska, which looks a lot like California, and Garcia is more annoying than usual in "Exit Wounds". Those who are filling out their Criminal Minds episode maps, remember that they've not gone to Hawaii, nor have they met those Hawaii Five-O guys that still have a fucking TV show. There's some comic...

It's Deliver The Profile's customary Halloween episode, recorded and aired in April as usual! "The Good Earth" has a woman using men as fertilizer, which sounds like an EC Comics story that no one remembers for good reason. It's forgettable enough that this is a more unwieldy episode than usual. Granted, these descriptions say that about every other episode of the podcast, but never before have Ro...

It's April, the weather's improving and Ronnie and Jazz are still stuck doing a podcast! In “Breath of the Dragon” the team has to contend with an unsub whose proclivities include arson and martial arts and that is not at all racist, no sir. Will they be able to save Chinatown or will the 'The Dragon' (yes he's actually called that, multiple times even) reign supreme? During this, we've got surpri...

Ronnie and Jazz struggle through the worst episode yet, "Beyond Borders", which exists solely to provide a basis for Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders! Why do the writers know as much about Barbados as this show's hosts do? Why did Anna Gunn ever think this was a good idea? Do the Criminal Minds crew HAVE to suck off their international counterparts so much? It's a real rough one, folks, the most xen...

Ronnie and Jazz are both sick, both sober and both having had it up to here with Criminal Minds! In Season 8's "God Complex", Ray Wise switches people's legs in order to discover the scientific breakthrough that will give his wife another leg. He's like Mr. Freeze with less realistic science. Despite their reverence for the second best Clarence Boddicker henchman, this is a pretty poor episode tha...

What's the best way to celebrate a birthday? Why, record a podcast, of course! Ronnie and Jazz cover "A Real Rain", a Season 1 episode set but definitely not shot in New York City. There, a vigilante is offing people who got away with crimes. Is he Green Arrow? Is he Dexter? No, he's just one of those aliens from Star Trek: Voyager nobody likes. But that's not important. What's important is Ronnie...

It's the most tangent heavy episode yet as Ronnie and Jazz delve into the first episode ("Two of a Kind") of the terminated with extreme prejudice Criminal Minds spinoff, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior! What makes this different from the original? Why is Janeane Garofalo on a regressive procedural? How the hell does an ex-con become an FBI agent? Is Richard Schiff a valid gender identity? It's a...

The team grapples with the most wily foe of all: the backdoor pilot, with Season 5's "The Fight"! Why is Forest Whitaker so much better than everyone else? Does Constantine ever shut the fuck up about his sniper skills? Are Oakland's millionaires San Francisco's bums? All these questions and more are answered by Ronnie and an increasingly inebriated Jazz in this episode of Deliver The Profile.

What happens when Ronnie's laptop stops working? Deliver The Profile goes on an unintentional hiatus. But now Ronnie and Jazz are back and Ronnie's laptop is quiet as a church mouse. In their sights today is Season 3's "Limelight", which involves an electrician and bondage magazines as well as a guest appearance by a cast member of Rescue Me. But in all honesty, this episode is mostly tangents, fr...

It's 2016 but Ronnie and Jazz are still reviewing the same old shit with Season 2's "Legacy"! Witness Jason Gideon shove Charlie Chaplin down our throats and then witness the barren wasteland that is Kansas City as the BAU tries to solve what happened to the homeless of KC. Clearly they were put on a bus and sent somewhere to make the city look better for the World Series. Wait, the Royals were st...

Ronnie and Jazz investigate "Sex, Birth, Death", which raises the question: can people with murder fantasies prevent themselves from murdering? Yes, moral quandaries once existed on Criminal Minds, and it's freaking the hell out of our hosts. Also, the boys discuss Stan Lee's true calling, why Jazz didn't graduate college and open their Christmas presents. Oh, and we now have music provided by Ame...

A power outage delayed this episode, so it's now the Deliver The Profile Boxing Day Spectacular! Join Ronnie and Jazz as they discover what a "good" Criminal Minds episode looks like in their first dip into the Mandy Patinkin Years. Why did Garcia threaten Reid with prison rape? Who the hell is Elle? Is Gideon crazy or damn good at his job or both? Also, witness Hotch at his most human as he holds...

People become roadkill in "Roadkill", a Season 4 episode of Criminal Minds that passes off a stuntman as an actor and a Johnny Thunder song as a harbinger of death and destruction. To amuses themselves during this otherwise boilerplate episode, Ronnie and Jazz talk Nicholas Brendon, talk TO Nicholas Brendon, discuss Pakistan's liquor laws and of course reference Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Ronnie and Jazz fulfill a promise and cover "Penelope", part two of a crossover that involves the show's least likable character getting shot and not dying. This one's tangent heavy as the boys struggle to mount an effort to care when there's no profile delivered and an unsub already established last time (as Longmire!). Is Hotch a RoboCop? How funny can a Neo-Nazi MAD Magazine be? What if Crimina...

It took three attempts over a series of weeks, but finally Ronnie and Jazz have covered Season 3's "Lucky"! It's about Fat Jamie Kennedy becoming less fat and also a cannibal, while Morgan struggles with religion over in Who Gives A Shit Ville. The frustration of having to watch the episode multiple times to refresh memories leaves the boys more tangential and frustrated than usual, as talk routin...

Ronnie and Jazz take a step towards the modern day with a Season 10 episode, "Burn"! (Or "Burned", it doesn't matter.) Garcia goes to Texas to see an execution and the gang finds themselves dealing with another unsub obsessed with Dante. Just what does Gavin Rossdale have on the crew of Criminal Minds? Otherwise, the duo discuss Ninja Turtles, Nicholas Brendon's legal troubles, and fuck up a refer...

It's hobo time as Ronnie and Jazz talk about Season 4's "Catching Out"! They learn a lot about hobo culture, like what signs mean gullible cat ladies and which mean trouble. Also: J.J. is pregnant, and that continues to be her sole characteristic! Have you ever wanted to see Greg of Dharma and Greg fame dress down a black man? Here's your chance. It doesn't come every day. Finally: what's the best...

This week Ronnie and Jazz take on pick up artists and general creeps with Season 4's "52 Pickup". In Hotlanta, Georgia, some guy is disemboweling women and making them clean up the mess before they expire. Is he an OCD head? No, he's another kind of monster, one that requires the FBI to team up with the sleaziest character who hasn't been in pornography before in order to find him. The hosts talk...

Happy Halloween, everybody! For the spookiest date of the year, Ronnie and Jazz take on one of the scariest things to ever grace television: Gavin Rossdale in Season 5's "The Performer"! The BAU travels to Los Angeles, the Windy City itself, to stake out a vampire who may or may not have been in Bush. Along the way, the hosts discuss the CBS show Zoo (which they've never seen), bad precinct coffee...