Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée absorb 1989's Quasar no. 5! From the outside, space investigator Quasar appears to have a pretty sweet life. He's an honorary Avenger, he runs a security firm, and his fashion accessories are on point. Unfortunately, like all of us, he's just pretending his life isn't an absolute mess of half-victories and soul-crushing compromises. In reality, Captain...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée just say 'yes' to Captain America no. 378! The year was 1990 and the war on drugs was in full effect, empowering both heartless Nazis like Red Skull and heartless capitalists like the Kingpin to profit off of American puritanism. But in comics, unlike in the real world, there can only be one evil billionaire exploiting society's failings, and so the tw...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get duped by Cain no. 1! You know, Cain? Like the guy from the Bible? Invented the concept of murder? This Cain is pretty similar, except instead of murdering his brother, he murdered about twenty minutes of anyone who picked up his book. In 1993, Harris Publications knew exactly what the kids liked. They just didn't know how to make it themselves. So,...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée glide into 1981's Moon Knight no. 7! Hey, it's another vigilante with dangerous mental health problems, like the Badger! Or Batman! Or the Doom Patrol! Or Rorschach or Daredevil or literally any other superhero whose name doesn't end in -uperman. Seriously, why does anyone do this job? In this issue, Moon Knight gathers up all of his split personalitie...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get fussy while reading 1962's Batman no. 147! An evil scientist has de-aged Batman while allowing him to keep his adult mind and strength, which arguably makes him less like an evil scientist and more like the greatest person who ever lived. Nonetheless, Bruce Wayne won't tolerate being too short to drive recklessly through the streets of Gotham, so h...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée celebrate Christmas in July with the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special! It's the second-most wonderful time of the year as the pope of 90s hyperviolence tears through wave after wave of defenseless elves on his way to assassinate brutal dictator Santa Claus! Luckily, the rich and powerful would never make wage slaves of the proletariat in the real wo...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée run out of ape jokes with 1955's Strange Adventures no. 55! It's time to once again journey into the Gorillaverse when yet another malicious ape tries to steal the riches and power that God rightly gave to humans! After that comes a tale of a mysterious force that's destroying national monuments. It's probably just some super woke aliens, though. In an...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée check back in with the Kickers, Inc. by reading issue 10 for the first time while recording! Bored of only being known as an NFL superteam, the NY Smashers decide to spend their evenings fighting crime and reaping the tax benefits of self-employment! And they'll need those savings, considering that they don't ever seem to make any money with this monum...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée try to explain what 'radio' is to anyone under 30 while reading Sonic Disruptors no. 1! In the year 2030, the American government has undertaken a coup that's made rock music and communist sympathy illegal. Luckily, a gang of leftie weirdos have taken up residence in a satellite and is broadcasting whatever the gosh durn heck they please, free of stuff...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée go crazy for the Badger no. 8! That's right, it's the Badger! The only superhero self-aware enough to admit that he's insane and belongs in a mental institution. It's a refreshing change of pace, but unfortunately all good things must come to an end and the Badger is released back into the endless yammering and chain-smoking of civilized society. Fortu...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée dropkick their toasters in robot-fighting solidarity after reading Rai and the Future Force no. 9! It's the year 4002, and evil space bots have taken over the earth because everyone forgot to opt out of Amazon Sidewalk. The world's best hope for salvation rests with nanite-powered superhero and everyone's second favorite bread (after banana), Rai! To f...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée stop and frisk 1988's COPS no. 5! In the distant future of the year 2020, a crack team of law enforcement agents have banded together around a single noble goal: To shove another half-baked franchise in front of millions of impressionable children and cash out before the Supreme Court shuts this whole scam down! In this issue, canine unit officer Bowse...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée read Doc Savage no. 22 during a break in their daily two hours of exercise! In this issue, Doc Savage, adventurer and golden-skinned ultra-Chad, spins a light-hearted tale from his boyhood about the time he and his parents took a family trip to Siberia! Of course, they were there to pick over the ruins of a massive asteroid strike, and the whole thing...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée wonder why a gorilla would wear a suit when they read Strange Adventures no. 201! If you were printing comics in the 60s, there was no better way to move units than to put a primate in your book and set him loose on an unsuspecting hero. Also, if you were printing comics in the 60s, hopefully you swiped enough copies of Amazing Fantasy no. 15 to have r...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée christen a new episode by reading Batman: Holy Terror! In an alternate version of Gotham City set under British rule, things pretty much turn out the same as they did in OG Gotham, with Bruce Wayne's parents getting killed and him swearing bloody vengeance upon the ills of society. The only difference is, in this reality, he's also super into God. That...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée duck and cover from CyberRad no. 1! In the early 90s, Neal Adams' Continuity Comics had one glaring problem: It just wasn't rad enough. Luckily, the solution was as simple as giving a teenage boy with tight glutes and sweet feathered bangs some robot body parts and setting him loose on a construction site to fight some leftover Battlestar Galactica dro...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée exhume 1995's Skeleton Warriors no. 1! Published months after the cancellation of the cartoon show, Marvel's adaptation only served to further divide Americans on the topic of Skeleton rights and has been rightfully shunned ever since. In the first issue, the evil Baron Dark is creating an army of bone soldiers to steal a magical gemstone that will rai...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée settle some debts by reading 1989's Damage Control no. 2! On the rare occasion that comic book superheroes are called upon to take responsibility for their actions, they call Damage Control to rebuild the vast expanses of public property they've carelessly destroyed. Still no word on how they plan to repair the psychological damage caused by viciously...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée put things right by finally reading 1993's Quantum Leap no. 9! Dr. Scott Bakula is off on another one of his lighthearted time-travel adventures, this time inhabiting the body of a 1960s photographer in Greenwich Village's LGBT community! Aided only by his boomer friend Al and the smartphone he can't figure out how to use, the good doctor will confront...

This time on the Couch: It's all stems and seeds when Mike, James, and Shée read the leftover tales that got rolled up into Adventure Comics no. 420! First Supergirl makes out with a cosmic gardener before getting him killed and YOLOing away from the scene of the crime! Then, the improbable Animal Man catches thieves with his amazing power of convenient plot devices! Afterwards, a space crook trie...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée unleash vengeance upon their enemies after reading Adventure Comics nos. 439-440! In the 1970s, DC Comics was eager to capitalize on the newly-relaxed Comics Code Authority guidelines and decided the best way to do that was to revive God's favorite underdressed goth assassin, the Spectre! Finally allowed to reach his full murderous potential, the Spect...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get their scaly claws on 1985's V no. 5! A prequel to the hit television mini-series, V is the story of a bunch of space lizards dressing up in human skinsuits and taking over the earth because LOL. Luckily, various teams of resistance fighters are throwing random plans at the wall with zero coordination in the hopes that maybe one of them might not be...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée crash the Darkseidmobile right into Booster Gold no. 11! After having travelled back from the future to become a corporate celebrity superhero in the 1980s, things aren't turning out very radical for Booster Gold. His sponsors are doing him dirty, his employees are getting killed, his agent has terrible facial hair, and D-list villain Shockwave is dest...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée activate their refractory coating or whatever after reading Invincible Iron Man no. 134! Publicly disgraced on account of all of the murdering he's done, Tony Stark is getting back to basics. That means destroying public property while sending the bill to taxpayers, creating futuristic technology that he's unwilling to share with an undeserving world,...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée celebrate/reluctantly acknowledge a year of quarantine and then immediately try to forget it with Batman no. 150! The year was 1962, and the Dark Knight's sales were in a tailspin. The Comics Code Authority had robbed the industry of its precious youth-corrupting sex and violence, so what was DC to do? How about some nonsense where Batman fights an ass...