Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get sucked up into a whirlwind of interspecies romantic with Solo Avengers Starring: Hawkeye no. 18! With the useful Avengers out of town, Hawkeye just wants to get in some shirtless target practice and forget his many, many failings as a superhero. There's only one problem: Cowboy goofball the Texas Twister has come a'lookin' for help rasslin' up the...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée shine their black light of justice on Phantom Lady no. 13! When she's framed for murder by her robotic doppelganger, the mysterious Phantom Lady must clear her name the only way she knows how: By punching anyone who gets in her way until the police agree to drop all charges! It's a legal strategy that could've saved O.J. a lot of hassle. But one advent...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée miss their stop because they were reading 1973's Midnight Tales no. 4! Arachne and her creepy uncle, the Midnight Philosopher, have to get some upper-middle class children to go to bed. But their bourgeoise sense of entitlement means they'll only sleep if they get told some spooky stories first, because that's what people considered entertainment befor...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée speed-read 1978's The Flash no 265! Barry Allen and his wife Iris are heading off for their second honeymoon, which means Barry is gonna have to find some flimsy excuse to put on his costume and go screw something up in the name of justice instead. This time, a group of benevolent aliens have come to Earth to help us to not be such diseased, gross pigs...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée raise Undertaker no. 6 from the dead! It was 1999, and Chaos! Comics had to find a way to adapt wrestling megastar Undertaker to their signature blood-and-gore-and-uncomfortable-cleavage aesthetic. The solution was clear: Just do whatever, man, it doesn't matter. Freed of all restrictions concerning narrative, canon, characterization, or even coherent...

This time on the Couch: Breaker, breaker, 1-9! Mike, James, and Shée are haulin' a big rig loaded up with Ms. Marvel no. 5! In the 1970s, Marvel launched an exciting new hero designed to give young female readers someone to look up to, and then clothed her in a few random scraps of fabric and had her fight a monster truck. Sure, maybe Ms. Marvel never became the feminist icon some hoped she would...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée celebrate two insurrection-free weeks with 1973's Prez no 4! After the teenage President Rickard donates a much-needed dam to an impoverished country, he learns why adult politicians never bother with helping anyone. Turns out all that altruism has angered the nearby vampire contingent, who send their wolfman lawyer to the states to threaten unholy Eas...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée certify 1973's Prez no. 3! America has elected their first teenage president, and a right-wing militia is none too happy about it! The Prez plans to unilaterally take away all of the country's guns, which is pretty in line with how every eighteen-year-old assumes government works, so they're nailing this book so far. But things go wildly off the rails...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée read Mr. Muscles no. 22 while waiting for the squat rack to open up! So who is Mr. Muscles? Why, he's a super fit guy who never passes up an opportunity to remind people of that fact, resulting in a seemingly-endless string of jealous beefs throughout the city! Afflicted with Polio at a young age, Mr. Muscles used the power of spite to heal himself and...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée kick off the new year with Robin no. 7, a comic book about a delusional narcissist who refuses to leave his job after being fired for acting like a psychopath! Jean-Paul Valley has been Batman for a little while now, and things are going so terrific, you just wouldn't believe it. Every window in Gotham has been shattered, making it much easier for peop...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée shout their magic word, "Podcast!" and suddenly find themselves reading Shazam! no. 11! As 1973 was drawing to a close, there was just enough time for a few more inexplicable adventures featuring Captain Marvel, the teenage boy who can transform into a burly man at will yet never thinks to try and get any. First, Cap must eat literal tons of cherry gel...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée celebrate the holidays with 1979's Jonah Hex no. 34! Hot on the trail of some yuletide bandits, the grizzled bounty hunter finds himself in a town populated by nothing but miscreants and lowlives! Assuming he's just wandered into Des Moines, Jonah is shocked to find out that he's actually discovered a genuine outlaw town, and it's run by his own dirtba...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée dive into the sewers with 1996's Street Sharks no. 3! That's right, it's time to get totally tubular with the righteous kings of gnarly 90s underground anthropomorphic superdudes! No, not the ninja turtles, these guys are way cooler! They wear pants! They eat drywall! And their dumbass mutant villains are a lobster and a swordfish, not a rhino and a wa...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée glimpse the future by reading a 28-year-old comic! In William Shatner's TekWorld no. 1, all of Los Angeles is held in the devastating grip of a new microchip-based drug called Tek. It's basically an Oculus Rift that you don't have to buy DLC for, which means drug lords are officially more consumer-friendly than the video game industry. Since corporate...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée climb into their mecha suits to read 1980's Shogun Warriors no. 15! The Yakuza have infiltrated the headquarters of inexplicable giant robot task force the Shogun Warriors, who were right in the middle of squandering billions of dollars on one of their weird trust fall exercises! Completely disregarding the maintenance requirements of a 100-foot tall b...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée share a big cartoon turkey leg while reading Married... With Children: Quantum Quartet no. 1! In the 90s, NOW Comics was printing cash publishing low-effort adaptations of popular IPs for undiscerning kids who would scoop up literally anything. Feeling pretty cocky about their success, NOW decided to jump completely off the rails by mashing together te...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée slip into something more comfortable to read Hero Alliance no. 16! The Dark Age of Comic Books was in full swing in 1991, and Hero Alliance aimed to be the perfect time capsule of grim 'n' gritty funnybook excess. Innovation Publishing made sure to include all of the era's biggest hits in one amazing package: Casual brutality, juvenile insults, billowy...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée cast their judgement on Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen no. 134! Jack Kirby had just begun his massive Fourth World saga, kicking it off the way all great stories start: With a ginger kid leading a gang of space bikers into a secret dimension! After using his newfound authority to get Superman to stop being such a buzzkill about "safety" and "reckless enda...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée cast their ballot for comic book nonsense when they read 1996's Captain America no. 450! President Clinton is feeling salty about all the treason that his BFF Steve Rogers has been committing lately and deports him to England to think about what he's done. No longer an officially-sanctioned superhero, Cap is free to do all the weird stuff he always wan...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée slither their way through Detective Comics issues 514-517! Vigilante crime fighter Batgirl has a problem: Her pants keep getting destroyed when she transforms into an unholy half-snake abomination. Well, technically that's two problems. It's a race against time as Batgirl tries to find a way to reverse the horrible curse that's slowly eating away at he...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée are still slashing their way through a month of allegedly spooky comics! In Child's Play no. 4, murderous doll Chucky has to fight his way through a department store full of more sentient, non-copyright-infringing toys! How did they come to life? Why are they so angry? How come a book based on a horror movie franchise isn't even attempting to be scary?...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée go looking for scares in all the wrong places when they trudge through Ghost Rider no. 31! Doctor Strange has brought together the finest nine heroes who didn't have anything else to do tonight and mashed them together to form the gothiest new superteam of 1992, the Midnight Sons! Wait, nine members? Boy, they're gonna be the Early Afternoon Sons by th...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée begin a month of spooky comic book tales with The Twilight Zone no. 88! An adaptation of the iconic television show, The Twilight Zone comic might not have the show's signature eerie charm and social relevance, but it makes up for it in topless drawings of a pretty buff Rod Serling! In the cover story, a dork receives a mysterious barbell that makes hi...

This time on Stingray's Cove: Mike, James, and Shée look for shelter from 1980's Marvel Two-In-One no. 65! Everyone's favorite superhero finally gets his chance to shine when Stingray singlehandedly takes down a gang of snake-themed terrorists! Well, technically he gets his aquatic ass handed to him immediately after stumbling unto an undersea heist, but he probably only let them win so that The T...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get sucked into a whirlpool of aquatic nonsense with 1964's Aquaman no. 16! It's a tale of lust on the high seas when the King of Atlantis appears to have fallen in love with a mysterious alien lady! Sirene does things his girlfriend Mera never would, like shapeshift and pilot a flying saucer. In a surprise twist, it turns out to have all been a ruse p...