Darkseid's Couch

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée hitch a ride with the premiere issue of US 1! Ulysses Solomon "US" Archer loves the trucking life that he can't have, on account his being too much of a nerdy beta. Not content to pursue a life as a lowly engineering genius, US immediately gets into a horrible road accident that cracks his skull like an egg. Luckily, the miracle of comic book science p...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get jilted by Secret Hearts no. 83! This Valentine's Day, continue your futile attempts to navigate the impossible world of romantic relationships with an assortment of regressive comic book tales! Women being defined entirely by the men who do or don't love them? Dudes gaslighting their dates with zero consequences? Creepy advice about making out in f...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée take a knee for Kickers, Inc. no. 8! The NY Smashers have made it all the way to the Super Bowl, but their crimefighting side hustle miiiight suggest they're not prioritizing this whole "professional football team" thing as highly as they should. To make matters worse, superpowered silver fox Jack "Mr. Magnificent" Magniconte is being accused of using...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée slip on some Speed Force and crash right into Flash no. 131! Replacement Flash Wally West has wrecked his legs fighting a living suit that sucks up people's energy and leaves them as withered husks (also known as getting dressed for work, amirite!?). For a guy whose main advantage is moving really fast, this is gonna be an issue. Maybe he can try using...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get sucked into Captain N: The Game Master no. 4! When teenage dorkmeister/perpetual virgin Kevin Keene is pulled into the world of his Nintendo, he finally has a group of friends who won't laugh at his custom jacket and NES controller belt buckle. How could life get any sweeter?! But contrary to what movies and tv have led us to believe, nerds never a...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée are podcasters for hire, taking on the daring mission of reading Marvel Premiere Featuring Paladin no. 43! Underdeveloped damsel in distress Marsha has a problem: Her abusive boyfriend is angry for no reason again and has decided to unleash his wrath under the guise of the villainous Phantasm! Luckily, Marsha's got enough cash in her hidden savings acc...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée give peace a chance with 1988's Peacemaker no. 4! After purchasing the character from the defunct Charlton Comics, DC published this adventure to help slide him into continuity like sliding John Cena's skull into a chrome bedpan. And what an 80s adventure it is! Christopher Smith, aka Peacemaker, is dedicated to eradicating the threat posed by the nefa...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée use their two-way wrist radios to talk about Dick Tracy issue 3, until they remember that Zoom exists! A faithful adaptation of the 1990 Warren Beatty film, Dick Tracy follows the square-jawed lawman as he battles gangsters with severe dermatological issue, corrupt politicians, and a lusty, in-her-prime Madonna! As if he wasn't busy enough already, Tra...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée put a bow on 2021 with Captain Power and the Laser Gun Boys or Whatever! For the brave few who managed to get through the relentless trainwreck of a title, Continuity Comics' adaptation of the short-lived Captain Power tv show offered a glimpse into a grim future ruled by evil robots, constant war, and Amazon auto-subscriptions that you forget about un...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée find a lump of Batman no. 45 in their stocking! It's a vaguely yuletide grab bag of superhero nonsense, starting with Catwoman ruining a bunch of Hollywood productions because they're not about her! Ironically, had she gotten to see the actual Catwoman movie, she probably would've just kept her head down and enjoyed all those stolen jewels like a sensi...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée say goodbye to Krypton with Adventure Comics no. 387! It's the final comic featuring a member of the Super-family until 2023, and Supergirl is determined to make sure we don't miss them too much! First, the Maid of Might overcomes her weakness to kryptonite, but at the expense of her beautiful, beautiful face! Will she accept the trade-off in order to...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée get the spins from 1988's Spiral Zone no. 1! The evil Overlord has taken over half of the planet using secret spiral technology, and it's up to four bros and a lady to maintain the illusion of trying to stop him long enough to generate a successful franchise! But when heroic dunce "Tank" Schmidt gets pulled from the war due to general incompetence, he'...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée swing into 1979's Spider-Woman no. 20! Between losing her job due to general incompetence and getting evicted because she doesn't bother reading her own mail, Jessica Drew, aka the Spider-Woman, is having a bad day. And now she's being followed by the completely unrelated Spider-Man, who wants to see if she might be a good candidate for another girlfri...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée stifle juvenile giggles while reading 1973's The Incredible Hulk no. 169! It's the fight of the century, the jade giant versus the provocative Bi-Beast! That's right, the Bi-Beast is loud and proud and he doesn't care who knows it! Of course, "it" refers to the fact that he has two heads sharing a single skull. That's... really kinda it. Look, he lives...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée quit "stallin'" and finally get around to reading Jonny Quest special no. 2! Globetrotting tween Jonny Quest is at it again, stirring up international incidents in foreign countries and facing zero consequences for his actions. This time, he and his non-traditional family have traveled to Russia to investigate claims that a group of space communists ha...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée shed some tears for Superman no. 263! Emotionally-repressed Kryptonian Kal-El is forced to celebrate his fake earth birthday because humans won't give up their petty traditions even when it goes against the will of a god. What's the secret reason that Superman privately cries on every sixth birthday? Is it because he's worried My Chemical Romance might...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée rev their engines for the first issue of Death Race 2020! A sequel to Roger Corman's 1975 schlockfest, Death Race follows the continuing adventures of President Frankenstein as he attempts to rid society of the hyperviolence we love so, so well. Turns out taking away our right to run down strangers in our cars for fun and profit offends basically every...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée open up the Tomb of Dracula as they wrap up a month of Halloween comics! Issue 10 is the first appearance of vampire slayer Blade, except here he's just some dude with a green coat and no superpowers who happens to think vampires are dumb and has built his whole persona around that opinion. And to make his point, he'll hunt Dracula to whatever dark, fo...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée are on parade after reading The Mighty Thor no. 207! Welcome to the real-world town of Rutland, home of the annual Rutland Halloween Parade, where DC and Marvel both briefly pretend they're not litigious corporate behemoths and allow their characters to tiptoe around each other semi-freely! It's a perfect setting for this bizarre meta tale, where a car...

This time on the Couch: Things get spooky for Mike, James, and Shée when they read 1995's Batman no. 523! The Scarecrow is terrorizing the bullies from his past again, but this time he's been drawn all weird! Can Batman and his strong jawline put a stop to Crane's very specific reign of terror before, like, three or four people get hurt? And would it really be all that bad if he didn't? What's the...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée begin a month of allegedly-spooky tales with Ghost Manor no. 6! What is the ghost manor? What mysteries does it hold? Who's dealing with those ballooning estate tax payments? Find out (or don't) in this bevy of tales designed to chill the spine, clam the hands, and flop the sweat! First, an ornery hunter loses his mind when he peers into a dimension wi...

This time on the Couch: It's an extinction-level episode as Mike, James, and Shée wrap up Septembersaurus with Cadillacs and Dinosaurs no. 8! Hundreds of years in the future, humans emerge from a societal collapse to find that dinosaurs and all other manner of believed-dead varmint have reclaimed the earth! And they seem to be doing a pretty decent job with it! Of course, no human being is going t...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée keep stomping through Septembersaurus with 1989's Dino-Riders no. 1! With all the problems in the world, the one thing everyone can agree on is that we're all in desperate need of more children's toy franchise ideas. Enter Dino-Riders, the story of a group of peaceful humanoids who travel back to the prehistoric era in a failed attempt to evade a gang...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée continue rampaging through Septembersaurus with Dinosaurs for Hire no. 1! People love smart social satire, and so it only follows that those same people would tolerate mediocre social satire. Enter Dinosaurs for Hire, a comic about space lizards coming to Earth and immediately finding gainful employment as well-paid government agents. On, like, the fir...

This time on the Couch: Mike, James, and Shée hatch a month of dino comics beginning with DC Special no. 27! It's only the first week of Septembersaurus, but it may be the last if Captain Comet and his tighty whities can't figure out how to get some time-displaced dinosaurs back to their era! Hopefully the solution involves punching! Meanwhile, space adventurer and high school drum major Tommy Tom...