Crafting Solutions to Conflict

When this episode publishes, it will be Thanksgiving Eve in the U.S. Let’s focus on the harvest perspective. We reap what we sow. Annual events – and those that happen more frequently but have a set occurrence – present an opportunity. We can check in on ourselves.  We can take a little time to stop and think about what we are doing all the time, routinely. What expectations have been set in our f...

Vincent Valeri helps rising gen members of successful families to find their own way. As they determine what success means to them and how that relates to the broader family, they benefit from Vincent’s experience of having been part of his own family’s business as a young man. You can learn more about Vincent here:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/vincentvaleri/ You can also reach him and learn more...

Evolving the Conversation: conversation is communication. And communication is essential to handling conflict well: keeping the good kind collaborative and creative and addressing the bad kind before it gets ugly. One research-based presentation I attended was about understanding the very different perspectives that individuals in a family business may have in a nearly identical situation. And, ho...

Kirby Rosplock has honed her expertise in the area of family offices over a number of years. She has written – and continues to write – about insights she has gleaned and has created a learning platform to accompany her consulting practice. We talk about how to navigate conflict in the family office space and her Four Circle Governance Model. You can find her on LinkedIn here:  Kirby Rosplock, PhD...

When we hear the word steadfast, we hear something positive. Especially when applied to ourselves. Strong, committed, loyal perhaps. Stubborn?  Not so positive. Particularly when applied to another person. Pigheaded. Unreasonable. Impossible to deal with. How should we navigate steadfast and stubborn, from a conflict perspective?  We can strive to be steadfast regarding our principles, our values....

The word “grievance” appears regularly in the context of workplace conflict. In the U.S. and other English-speaking countries, it usually refers to a document filed by a union to raise a complaint of some sort of wrong-doing. Recently, the term “grievance” has been cropping up more and more often in other contexts. In the U.S., it’s being applied to groups of people in cultural and political spher...

I am excited and proud to publish Episode 250. That’s a lot of weeks since January 2019.Big thanks to my audience, guests, podcasting pals (especially Steve, Tania, Curtis, Danny, Heidi, and Matt), my friends and family.  Also, all who suggest possible topics and guests. Keep those ideas coming, please! Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict...

Penny Tremblay’s book,  Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace, Conflict Resolution from the Inside Out , has an array of insights that can be applied both in the workplace, and beyond. We talk about remembering to focus on our own role in interpersonal conflict.  What pushes our buttons may not push others – so let’s look at our own buttons. You can learn more about Penny and her work here: htt...

Just plain no can be important and difficult in a valued ongoing relationship.  “No, I won’t.”   “No, you can’t.”  “No, that isn’t going to work.” Sometimes we can’t bring ourselves to believe that the best answer – and maybe the only answer – is no. Other times, we fully recognize that no is the answer, yet it’s so hard to say. It can be tempting to avoid, delay, or fudge the no. And rarely a goo...

You may have heard glowing reviews recently of the succession planning at the giant conglomerate and family business LVMH. The founder, Bernard Arnault, has been applauded for how he has worked to position his five children to succeed in the business. Mr. Arnault, a successful corporate raider, has worked hard to keep his own firm out of reach of others like him.  Here’s the flaw: what we have hea...

Bess de Boer is convinced that  fear is the main ingredient in conflict. Bess works with people in conflict to see that the other person is trapped in the same predicament, then allowing each person to resurface their vulnerability and feel safe to be themselves. You can learn more about her work here:   https://www.bessdeboer.com/ . You can watch her TedX talk here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

In a situation of continuing negative conflict, finding a time to turn the page can be helpful. It can assume different forms. You could use some sort of “marker” to suggest to the other person or people involved that you find a way to resolve the situation. A date on the calendar. A passage of time. An event. You may also consider your own perspective on a conflict, without regard to the others i...

When you have little to say, say very little. You don’t need to share an opinion that creates needless nasty conflict. You won’t convince people by saying the same words again and again. Allowing everyone to speak, especially before you speak again, is a wise idea.  Waiting in silence for someone else to gather their thoughts is worth any discomfort you may feel.  Do you have comments or suggestio...

Most people don’t want to talk about prenuptial agreements, even if they want one to happen. But they should.  When? If parents feel that it would be a good idea, they are wise to discuss the concept with their children long before a potential life partner arrives on the scene.  What? Remember that it should be presented as a proposed contract between the spouses. Not a mandate. Who should present...

Nathan Dungan and I discuss how Nathan works with young adults and their families to better understand the dynamic between trusts and beneficiaries, prenups as part of an intentional preparation for life as a couple, and how to engage multiple generations to share, understand, and create their money stories. You can learn more about his work and contact him here:  http://www.sharesavespend.com/ Do...

What should you do about a situation where you are being deliberately baited: in a one-on-one setting, in a small group, or in a polarized family? Don’t rise to the bait! I can see no upside to that and plenty of potential downside. Choose not to avoid the conflict but to resist the bait. What would that look like? You could carefully frame the message you want to send. With or without explicitly...

We may try to ignore, minimize, or delay dealing with a conflict. And then we can pivot in the other direction and rush to jump into action. Better to make a plan about how to address it. Start with who, what, where, when, how, and why. And perhaps add in a “what if” to allow for the dynamics of addressing the situation. Learn more about the Purposeful Planning Institute here: https://purposefulpl...

In 2016, a book titled Never Split the Difference was published by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator.  Voss offers nine principles to use in negotiations. One of them is mirroring.  In a nutshell, mirroring means using the last one to three words the other person used, without agreeing or disagreeing, but using an inquisitive tone. The idea is that you sound like you are paying close att...

Samantha Drum has used her experience with high-conflict personalities to hone her expertise and create practical ideas about how to deal with these people effectively. How to identify them. And how to minimize chaos in your own life. Her five-point playbook crystallizes five essential skills that will help you defuse any argument. You can learn more and access resources at her website: https://ww...

Earlier episodes have addressed different types of cognitive biases. They represent shortcuts in our thinking and how we reach conclusions. Now, let’s think about the overall idea of biases. We think of biases as negative – and they certainly can lead us astray. But we can think of them as not just a human shortcut that we need to be mindful of. We can easily brand bias as a moral weakness. In our...

Several historical quotes address the question of just how far freedom extends. The most graphic one focuses on arms and noses. In essence, my freedom to swing my arm ends where your nose begins. Circumstances in everyday life have more nuance than that idea. Also, far more typical in everyday life. Gray areas, assumptions, misconceptions, different perspectives and priorities. And to refer to ano...

Jeff Savlov has an interest and expertise in how parents can talk to young kids about family wealth. Starting quite young, parents can help children learn please, thank you, I’m sorry, how to clean up after themselves.  That last point includes a concept I find wonderfully compelling: the Golden Sippy Cup Rule.  You can contact Jeff and learn more about his work here: https://blumandsavlov.com/ Do...

Whataboutism is the practice – or even a single act – of responding to a criticism or accusation by claiming that a supposed offense committed by someone else is just as bad or worse. In the interest of promoting rational conversation…  Let’s assume for a moment, that you hear something that prompts you to want to respond with whataboutism.  Try to resist that temptation.    Instead of “what about...

It’s not news that women can be criticized for language or behavior labelled as aggressive. And that exactly the same language or behavior would be championed as assertive by a man. A little discouraging but I suggest we can approach this challenge. First, as with any sort of bias, we can try to be more aware of the ones we carry and how they affect our thought process and our conclusions. Second,...

Cindy Watson’s new book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation: How to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom, addresses a key topic in our lives. Her ARE FIT model represents an acronym of six key skills to being a great negotiator: assertiveness, rapport building, empathy, flexibility, intuition, and trustworthiness.  You can learn more about Cindy and the book here: http://artoffemininen...