Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Most people don’t want to talk about prenuptial agreements, even if they want one to happen. But they should.  When? If parents feel that it would be a good idea, they are wise to discuss the concept with their children long before a potential life partner arrives on the scene.  What? Remember that it should be presented as a proposed contract between the spouses. Not a mandate. Who should present...

Nathan Dungan and I discuss how Nathan works with young adults and their families to better understand the dynamic between trusts and beneficiaries, prenups as part of an intentional preparation for life as a couple, and how to engage multiple generations to share, understand, and create their money stories. You can learn more about his work and contact him here:  http://www.sharesavespend.com/ Do...

What should you do about a situation where you are being deliberately baited: in a one-on-one setting, in a small group, or in a polarized family? Don’t rise to the bait! I can see no upside to that and plenty of potential downside. Choose not to avoid the conflict but to resist the bait. What would that look like? You could carefully frame the message you want to send. With or without explicitly...

We may try to ignore, minimize, or delay dealing with a conflict. And then we can pivot in the other direction and rush to jump into action. Better to make a plan about how to address it. Start with who, what, where, when, how, and why. And perhaps add in a “what if” to allow for the dynamics of addressing the situation. Learn more about the Purposeful Planning Institute here: https://purposefulpl...

In 2016, a book titled Never Split the Difference was published by Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator.  Voss offers nine principles to use in negotiations. One of them is mirroring.  In a nutshell, mirroring means using the last one to three words the other person used, without agreeing or disagreeing, but using an inquisitive tone. The idea is that you sound like you are paying close att...

Samantha Drum has used her experience with high-conflict personalities to hone her expertise and create practical ideas about how to deal with these people effectively. How to identify them. And how to minimize chaos in your own life. Her five-point playbook crystallizes five essential skills that will help you defuse any argument. You can learn more and access resources at her website: https://ww...

Earlier episodes have addressed different types of cognitive biases. They represent shortcuts in our thinking and how we reach conclusions. Now, let’s think about the overall idea of biases. We think of biases as negative – and they certainly can lead us astray. But we can think of them as not just a human shortcut that we need to be mindful of. We can easily brand bias as a moral weakness. In our...

Several historical quotes address the question of just how far freedom extends. The most graphic one focuses on arms and noses. In essence, my freedom to swing my arm ends where your nose begins. Circumstances in everyday life have more nuance than that idea. Also, far more typical in everyday life. Gray areas, assumptions, misconceptions, different perspectives and priorities. And to refer to ano...

Jeff Savlov has an interest and expertise in how parents can talk to young kids about family wealth. Starting quite young, parents can help children learn please, thank you, I’m sorry, how to clean up after themselves.  That last point includes a concept I find wonderfully compelling: the Golden Sippy Cup Rule.  You can contact Jeff and learn more about his work here: https://blumandsavlov.com/ Do...

Whataboutism is the practice – or even a single act – of responding to a criticism or accusation by claiming that a supposed offense committed by someone else is just as bad or worse. In the interest of promoting rational conversation…  Let’s assume for a moment, that you hear something that prompts you to want to respond with whataboutism.  Try to resist that temptation.    Instead of “what about...

It’s not news that women can be criticized for language or behavior labelled as aggressive. And that exactly the same language or behavior would be championed as assertive by a man. A little discouraging but I suggest we can approach this challenge. First, as with any sort of bias, we can try to be more aware of the ones we carry and how they affect our thought process and our conclusions. Second,...

Cindy Watson’s new book, The Art of Feminine Negotiation: How to get what you want from the boardroom to the bedroom, addresses a key topic in our lives. Her ARE FIT model represents an acronym of six key skills to being a great negotiator: assertiveness, rapport building, empathy, flexibility, intuition, and trustworthiness.  You can learn more about Cindy and the book here: http://artoffemininen...

My most recent guest, Gleb Tsipursky, talked with me about how to do Return to Office policies right. Our conversation, Episode 229, was published on May 17, 2023. In part of our discussion, Gleb introduced us to the copy machine study.  In that 1977 study, people standing in line at a copy machine were asked if they would allow someone else to cut in front of them.  Remarkably, when given the rea...

 J.W. Brehm first proposed reactance theory in 1966. Reactance is the motivation to regain a freedom after it has been lost or threatened, and it leads people to resist the social influence of others. Quoting from the article  Understanding Psychological Reactance : “The unpleasant motivational state of reactance results in behavioral and cognitive efforts to reestablish one’s freedom, accompanied...

Gleb Tsipursky and I first talked back in the early days of the pandemic, on Episode 66, published on April 1, 2020. Then, Gleb was focused on how businesses could prepare for a lengthy pandemic and minimize its impacts. Now, he is helping clients effectively address the challenges of hybrid work and Returning To the Office the right way.  In a way that respects the needs and interests of the staf...

Open The Front Door is a communication framework. It was developed by Tasha Souza, when she was a professor at Boise State University.  It’s a helpful tool to use in hot moments in the classroom – and beyond, I think! O -- Observe. T -- Think. F -- Feel. D -- Desire. State what you Observe, factually and nonjudgmentally. State what you think. State what you feel. State what your desired outcome is...

    The classic book Getting to Yes gives us the B A T N A, which stands for Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. As you might guess, W A T N A stands for your worst  alternative to a negotiated agreement. Even in a straightforward dispute about money, the parties need to understand just how likely their BATNA and WATNA are. A very good chance? Almost none? And then there are the other cost...

Nellie Harden is a family life and leadership coach. Her 6570 project represents the 18 years parents have to raise their offspring to be adults. Nellie shares key guideposts to prepare for and engage in courageous conversations with tween and teen daughters. You can learn more about Nellie’s work, find resources, and access her podcast here: https://www.nellieharden.com/ Do you have comments or s...

The classic book Getting to Yes introduced the idea of your BATNA or Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.  Your WATNA is the Worst Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Understanding these can help you weigh how flexible you are in attempting to reach an agreement. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resoluti...

The ZOPA is the Zone of Possible Agreement. It’s usually considered in the context of business or sales negotiations.  The Zone is the overlap between, for example, what a seller is willing to accept for a car and what a buyer is willing to pay. Or what an employer is willing to pay and an employee is willing to accept. I think the ZOPA idea can be useful in other contexts, too: it is practical an...

Beth Fisher-Yoshida has a new book, New Story, New Power: A Woman’s Guide to Negotiation. We discuss culture, stories, patterns, and habits. And practical tools to help you move away from what holds you back and reinforce what helps. You can learn more about Beth’s work and contact her here:  https://bethfisheryoshida.com/ Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or ques...

Humility is a concept that is misunderstood at times. Some believe that it suggests a low opinion of yourself, that it is a sign of weakness. In fact, the more accurate understanding is that humility is a character strength .  It is an indication that you have confidence in your abilities and – better still – you lack the need to brag about yourself. You don’t need to be arrogant. Humility allows...

My last two guests touched on the idea of using a personal mantra to handle conflict more effectively. Pattie Porter shared that, inside her head, she has several phrases that she has created to help her achieve centering and stabilization when she feels triggered in a conversation. Treena Reillkoff spoke of a mantra of gratitude, a daily acknowledgement of things large or quite small to be gratef...

Treena Reillkoff works as a Trauma Informed Conflict Management and Resiliency Specialist. We discuss how specific tools, practices, and perspectives can allow us to recognize and nurture resiliency in ourselves and others. Treena is one of 106 co-authors, from 27 countries, and 11 languages who share their insights in the book Grief & Fatigue: Families & the Pandemic: Stories of Struggle and Hope...

At this time of year, Major League Baseball teams are engaged in Spring Training. What could baseball’s Spring Training have to do with conflict?  I see a few lessons to learn about conflict prevention. There’s the very basic idea that practice makes us better – at virtually everything. Probably even improvisation. Definitely in handling conflict well. These games don’t count in the regular season...