Crafting Solutions to Conflict

To infer means to guess or use reasoning. Another definition is to conclude or judge from premises or evidence. To imply means to suggest indirectly or to indicate something without actually stating it. I, the listener or reader, need to try to figure out the message that you, the speaker or writer, are sending.  And I might guess wrong.  Not only am I interpreting what I hear and read through my...

My most recent guest, Gerry O’Sullivan, talked with me about her process, The Journey of Inference. As she puts it succinctly: “Our Journey of Inference interprets the world of observable data according to our unique perspective or paradigm.” It’s clear from Gerry’s process and our conversation that our inferences can get us into trouble, precisely because we each carry a unique perspective or par...

Our initial reaction to criticism can be exactly that: a reaction more than a response. And it can be black or white. Neither of those things tends to help. Better. Remind yourself that very few things in life are genuinely black or white. Take a pause. Take a breath.  Take a look at the criticism. No need to beat up on yourself or on the other person.  View the criticism through a careful lens. O...

In the story of the Angry Man, the Buddha illustrates how to disarm criticism based or anger or rudeness. A young man came to insult the Buddha, but the Buddha did not become angry or insulted. Instead, he calmly asked the man a question:  "If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom does it belong?".  The young man replied that the gift would belong to the person who offere...

Sam Osborne joins me today. We talk about his book, How to Beat the Imposter Syndrome and Be Confident.  We discuss the need to know your own values, how to deal with criticism positively, and how to believe in yourself when others don’t. You can learn more about Sam’s work and find resources at  https://www.selfworthsam.com/ . Sam’s social media handle is selfworthsam. Do you have comments or sug...

The mediation process can be tailored to the needs of the participants and the mediator. In fact, the process can evolve a bit over the course of multiple mediation sessions. The process can be focused on a very specific, time-limited, dispute that has erupted. Or it can be all about damaging simmering tensions that are lurking beneath the surface – with no blow-up … yet. Different situations, dif...

When I started way back in January of 2019, conventional wisdom was that most podcasts die out after seven episodes. Now, over six years later, 90% of podcasts don’t make it past three episodes. They say that’s largely due to creators underestimating how much work is involved.  When I launched the podcast, I knew that I wanted to have a voice about conflict. A positive and practical perspective. T...

In mediation, an impartial person helps the people involved to reach an agreement that works for them.  Mediation is often said to consist of three main types. Some mediators stick quite closely to one approach.  Others feel comfortable favoring one or another in different situations. The lines can blur in practice more than they do in theory.  Broadly speaking, the main “types” are evaluative, fa...

Phyllis Weiss Haserot joins me today. Phyllis has been curious about cross-generational communication for decades. She built on her natural ability with education and experience. We talk about the danger of making assumptions, the value in asking good questions, and the importance of continuing conversations.  You can reach her by email here:  pwhasarot@pdcounsel.com , find her on LinkedIn here: h...

Last time, I talked about the virtue of making a plan.  The situation isn’t good. Bad conflict is brewing. You have decided that it’s time for a chat. You want this chat to be productive. So how do you set up for success? One way to work through the set-up is to break it down.   Why?  Who? When? How? Where? What?           Excellent. You have made a plan. A good one.  Oops.  As plans do, this one...

Let’s imagine for a moment that you have decided that it’s time for a conversation, chat, or discussion. One way to work through the set-up is to break it down.  Why?  Who? When? How? Where? What?  Giving careful thought to the planning process gives a boost to the probability of success.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or...

We send a message by the language we use.  In my work, some people don’t want to engage in mediation because they feel the connotation is too negative. But they are comfortable with the idea that I would be that trained, impartial third person who helps them navigate their way to a resolution.  If that language works for them, it’s fine by me. In informal settings, without a third party, what do y...

Chuck Wisner joins me to talk about his book, The Art of Conscious Conversations: Transforming how we talk, listen, and interact. We discuss four conversations that help us become conscious of our internal and external dialogue. And how four essential questions can expose our hidden – and often harmful – internal thoughts, assumptions, and judgments.  You can learn more about Chuck and his work he...

Here’s a quote from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, that sums up Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves: “When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others.” To exercise self-compassion we can evaluate ourselves in ways that promote growth instead of self-hatred.  When we have been less tha...

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed the concept of Nonviolent Communication – or NVC.  His book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, begins with this quote, capturing the fundamental premise of NVC: “What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” Specific forms of language are identified as alienating us from our natural stat...

Ruschelle Khanna joins me to talk about her book, Inherited Trauma and Family Wealth: A Guide to Heal Your Relationships and Build a Lasting Legacy.  We talk about her work as a family therapist and the four pillars of her ECHO Legacy Manifesto: Effective Communication, Compassionate Decision-Making, Honoring Resources, and Openness to Receive.  You can learn more about Ruschelle, the book, and he...

Two weeks ago, I published a conversation with Russell Harvey. We talked about his work and, specifically, his belief that resilience can mean more than simply bouncing back but springing forward – with learning.  He brought up the idea of building on your strengths.  Fundamentally, we are likely to be doing something well. Quite a few episodes ago, I talked about playing to your strengths.  Now,...

My most recent guest, Russell Harvey, talked with me about resilience. In fact, he defines resilience this way: “Resilience is the ability to cope with life’s challenges and become stronger as a result.” What if we apply that definition specifically to interpersonal conflicts? A viewpoint that we can improve our “ability to cope with life’s conflicts and become stronger as a result”, to echo Russe...

Russell Harvey joins me to talk about a new way to view resilience. Not just bouncing back, but springing forward with learning. I learn about Russell’s Resilience Wheel, a framework featuring seven different areas – each important individually and as they interact with each other. You can learn more about Russell’s work and see The Resilience Wheel at his website:  https://www.theresiliencecoach....

We all want to be heard. In some cases, there is confusion about whether a voice is the same as a vote.  It’s not necessarily so. Why allow the voice? That voice may have a different and valuable perspective. That voice may become a vote in the future and it’s wise to cultivate what can be gained by participation. That voice will not need to grumble underground in a negative way if it can be spoke...

Many conversations over time, with no thought of them ever being “completed” contribute to connection.  The repeated touch points keep us linked.  When we are connected, we create and cultivate a foundation. We create a common ground of shared experience. None of this is to say that we will experience a mind meld. We may hold different views that are difficult to reconcile. Disagreements are a par...

Steve Legler joins me for a return visit. Steve was an early guest, in Episode 32 back on August 7, 2019.  Today we talk about the value of moving away from the concept of one big, multi-hour conversation on an important topic toward ongoing bite-sized conversations. I appreciate Steve’s work and value his friendship. As you will hear, Steve was kind enough to be willing to record this episode whe...

We may be well aware that an unpleasant conflict is brewing – perhaps simmering but not yet exploding.  We can dread an explosion.  Or an explosion may have occurred. We can dread what comes next.  Dread won’t help us. Anticipation will. Anticipating by being as ready as we can be. Then, knowing that, facing whatever comes with as much calm and confidence as we can muster. Do you have comments or...

One of my favorite new words is, of all things, disrespect, used as a verb. It’s not the same as a mere lack of respect. It’s more intense, more direct, and  … more offensive.  We can feel disrespected when that wasn’t the intention. Especially now when so much of life can seem fraught, we can jump to feeling disrespected in a heartbeat. Plus the reverse: we can look, speak, write, and behave in a...