Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Availability bias, also known as the availability heuristic, is the idea that we tend to value --  overweight even -- information that comes to mind quickly when making decisions. It’s a mental shortcut in processing information. Recent events, those that touch us personally, and those that are highly unusual come to mind more readily. In a conflict, if two people are trying to reach a decision, i...

Richard has extensive experience in mediation within the context of litigation: by court rule, a judge’s order or suggestion, or on the parties’ own initiative. We discuss the advantages of working with a skilled mediator in commercial litigation matters. We also discuss how family business mediation differs from a purely commercial scenario. You can learn more about Richard’s work at his website:...

In conflict, the distinction between positions – what we say we must have – and interests – the motivations behind those statements -- is critically important. Recognizing that interests lie behind positions is the first step. Assuming we know the interests isn’t a good next step. We need to understand, in ourselves and others, what those motivations are. We might be surprised. Do you have comment...

 It’s a popular expression, but not a helpful one when applied to interpersonal conflict. The phrased overgeneralizes. It can oversimplify how many “sides” are present in a conflict. It fails to recognize that people – in contrast to rocks – are dynamic. It doesn’t take into account that people may have a hard position on one part of an issue, but not all. And it assumes a negative, self-fulfillin...

Nance described her journey to her work as a conflict resolution specialist, including experience in human resources, professionally and personally, law school, and a corporate setting with a strong alternative dispute resolution process. She eventually learned about the International Center for Ethno-Religious Mediation.  Through ICER, Nance completed an eight-week training course and certificati...

Silence, in the context of conflict, can have many meanings. When someone stops communicating, the other person or other people must guess what it means – and the interpretation might be incomplete or completely wrong. On a more positive note, when people are in conflict and one embraces silence to truly listen carefully to what someone else is saying, that silence shows respect and helps possible...

Learning to deal with conflict well, just like learning to swim, is a teachable life skill. We are, understandably, afraid of the danger that water can pose. When we learn to swim, we handle that danger and that fear better. So, too, with conflict. When we learn to handle it better, with more competence and more confidence, we fear it less. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or gues...

Genevieve Chornenki was a seasoned dispute resolution consultant when an avoidable medical event with serious consequences thrust her into new roles. From her perspective as someone who had served as a neutral in a wide range of processes, she experienced being an injured person, a complainant, a client, and a person labelled as a victim. Genevieve shares some highlights of the insights she sets o...

PPI is Purposeful Planning Institute. At PPI’s RendeZoom, Betsy Erickson, Steve Legler, and I led a breakout session on Leaning into Conflict, with confidence and competence. Here are a few take-aways for trusted advisors. Though it’s not helpful to ignore your own discomfort with conflict, owning up to it is fine!  The families that advisors work with frequently believe that they are the only one...

Specific written plans to deal with potential conflict can be helpful: both by acknowledging that conflict happens and by having a process in place when it is needed.  Those specifics are themselves part of a plan: a contract, a family charter, a workplace policy.  Many of us find planning hard to do: we need to face difficult facts, make tough decisions, and devote resources (time, money, and ene...

Betsy recognizes that conflict is a normal occurrence in families, and helps families engaged in philanthropy to understand that they are not alone in experiencing it. In fact, family conflict may emerge for the first time when families create the structures and make the decisions necessary for wise philanthropy.  She and her team are alert for the first signs of conflict and work with families to...

Enterprising families and legacy families need to embrace a balance between unity and independence. Unity that is more accurately described as forced lockstep is dangerous. At the same time, honoring family values and the value of staying together will temper leaning too far into independence. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management...

:Trauma plays a significant and underappreciated role in conflict. What triggers us and what triggers others is a reflection of our past traumatic experiences: as individuals, as descendants, and as a reflection of our times.  Monica Clare is a mediator and leadership coach who focuses on family businesses. We discuss her personal experiences and the methodologies she uses. Learn more about Otto S...

The question of timing is worth your attention. It’s not everything, but it is something that can profoundly affect how well conflict is handled. The “when” question has two steps. First step, when to broach the subject of having a conversation. Second, when to have the conversation. Sometimes, but not always, those will be the same. As a first step, you may be seeking the commitment of the other...

Confirmation bias, the tendency to look only for data that supports an opinion, reinforces negative conflict. We can overcome confirmation bias when we work to be aware of it, we consider where we get information (an “echo chamber” doesn’t help), how we glean information (go beyond sensational headlines), and interpret information (not a knee-jerk acceptance or rejection, but a thoughtful approach...

Mitzi Perdue has a unique perspective on the importance of family business culture: she was born into the Henderson family, founders of the Sheraton Hotel chain, and she married into the Perdue family, where her husband, Frank, was the head of the family-owned poultry business. Both families are thriving through the generations. Mitzi talked about the importance of families spending time together...

Disputes and conflicts.  Those of us who spend a lot of time thinking about and dealing with interpersonal disagreements don’t necessarily use those words interchangeably. A dispute has the connotation of a specific point of contention. A conflict, on the other hand, suggests a disagreement that may be longer-lasting or possibly broader. When a dispute erupts between or among people who are in an...

:Family Business Mediation helps families and their businesses, large or small, to deal with conflicts effectively. Family businesses are certain to face challenges, by their nature.  Typically, these include: a mix of emotions and money; individuals who wear multiple hats; long-term relationships, expectations, and memories; power imbalances; and a multi-generational time horizon.  This episode p...

Disagreements can happen in any business relationship.  Startups may face challenges unique to their nature, including issues surrounding the value that each partner is bringing to the venture, when they hope to achieve their goals, and how to onboard employees in the startup environment.  Bryant describes how he came to work with these businesses, and others that attract millennials. We also disc...

Gary Friedman, a highly-respected and deeply-experienced mediator, ran for local office in the small Northern California town where he had lived for 40 years. Recently, tensions had flared in town meetings over a few local issues. Amanda Ripley, author of High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, wrote about his foray into politics in her article, “I Got Obama’d”. https://www.politico....

Use of Restorative Justice in criminal justice and its application in other areas have both grown in recent years. Restorative Justice has a focus beyond punishment of offenders that includes the needs of the victims.  In addition to broader use in the criminal justice arena, Restorative Justice has grown in application to include schools, religious institutions, and societies at large. Howard Zeh...

Internal Family Systems Therapy allows an individual to support one’s own contradictory parts. Amy is a certified leadership coach who has pulled together a range of professional and personal experiences that help her serve her clients. One aspect of her coaching work is the application of Internal Family Systems Therapy. The IFS model  accepts and welcomes the various parts that we each hold with...

When a bad conflict ends, consider carefully how to deal with any sudden and severe shift to your foundation. There is a shock. A shock to you. A shock to the other person -- or people – and a shock to the relationship itself. And it’s predictable that those shocks will have effects. What they are and when they will occur is less predictable. Often, even less predictable are the aftershocks. Don’t...

Truly understanding estrangement is quite tough; clearing up some misconceptions is easier. There’s often a tilt to the misunderstanding of estrangement. A tilt to the negative, the hopeless, a belief in a guaranteed increased hardening as time goes on. There can also be a misunderstanding about how the two “sides” view the estrangement itself, even if they agree about how they started on the path...

Families can benefit if they leave the work of fiduciary duties to a dedicated professional trustee and focus on being a family. Marguerite describes the duties, including obligations of ethics and fairness, that trustees must fulfill. Communications with all the relevant people are essential, while also preserving the agency of an aging person.  If a family member -- and not a professional -- is...