Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Adam Kahane has worked for thirty years as a facilitator of diverse groups in a variety of settings around the world. We discuss the insights he has gained from his work, captured in his five books. In his most recent book, Facilitating Breakthrough, Adam sets out how to “remove obstacles, build bridges, and move forward together.”  You can learn more about his work and find free resources at his...

The phrase “holding space” is most frequently heard in the context of therapy or psychology. In the context of discussions or meetings, the concept is one of deliberately accepting and anticipating the possibility – even the likelihood – of needing some time and “space” set aside for what may come that is not fully planned for. Time and space to allow for creativity, collaboration and yes – confli...

Courage is not the absence of fear, but a positive way to handle fear. The same could be said of negative stimuli (hot buttons, triggers) and responding in the best way possible. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at  jb@dovetailresolutions.com ! And you can learn more about me and my work as...

Mitzi enjoys sharing what she has learned about successful family businesses. Her interest is personal: she was born into the Henderson family, founders of the Sheraton Hotel chain, and she married into the Perdue family, where her husband, Frank, was the head of the family-owned poultry business. Both families are thriving through the generations. In this episode, Mitzi talks about Frank Perdue’s...

That phrase applies generally to much of the work I do. It also applies specifically to a seminar on April 6, 2022.  It is presented by the Family Firm Institute (FFI) and FFI Fellows and graduates of the FFI GEN program are encouraged to attend. https://www.ffigen.org/courses/working-with-conflict-in-the-family-enterprise . The very creation of the course reflects the recognition that conflict is...

Email is often blamed for causing or inflaming conflict.  And rightly so. Sometimes, it can prevent conflicts. An email reminder of a spoken agreement can solidify memory of it, reassure all that they have the same understanding (or create the opportunity to clarify if they do not) and save face if someone just might forget the details of the agreement. Do you have comments or suggestions about a...

Crystal Thorpe is an experienced mediator whose areas of expertise include Elder and Adult Family Mediation. We talk about what it is, and how it helps families work through an immediate dispute regarding an older loved one. And how it can help families get better at handling conflict in the future. You can learn more about Crystal’s work and reach her through  https://agreementresources.com/ and...

Pick your favorite colloquial term: do-over, rewind, or mulligan. Whichever it is, that may be an excellent Goldilocks type of option when a difficult exchange (or series of them) has occurred where a relationship is valued and ongoing. Not an explicit dissection of what went wrong, perhaps in excruciatingly painful detail.  And not silence, with no acknowledgement of any problem at all. Instead,...

When you hear the words impartial and neutral, you may have a clear sense of a difference between the two -- or you may think that they are fully interchangeable. In the realm of conflict management or conflict resolution, the use of these different words can cause genuine, strong disagreement. Perhaps the best way to think of the neutral/impartial question is the fairness of that third party.  Wh...

“John A” Warnick describes himself as a recovering tax attorney and family wealth counselor. John A and I talk about his professional journey, the founding of the Purposeful Planning Institute, PPI, and serendipity.  You can reach John A here: johna@purposefulplanninginstitute.com or 720.458.7770. You can learn more about PPI here: https://purposefulplanninginstitute.com/  Do you have comments or...

As with conflict, we can think of habits as being good, bad, and ugly. As this new year begins, it’s a logical time to look for new opportunities in how we handle conflict. Two suggestions: pick one habit that’s negative and try to do lessof it. AND, just as important, pick one habit that’s positive and try to do more of that one. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea...

I want to share three solo episodes, in particular, with you. The first two sound connected, and they are somewhat.  Back in January, on the 27th, Episode 109 was on the topic of Unity and Unanimity. A related theme appeared in Episode 132, published on July 7, 2021: Independence and Unity.            Each is under seven minutes, start to finish, and listeners have found them especially helpful. ...

Some thoughts on the time of the solstice. The time of the solstice is one of extremes: days that are very short or very long. Extremes invite negative conflict. Yet we can try not to view our starting points as positioned as far apart as possible. When I was a young child, I believed that my December 21st birthday was a shorter day than everyone else’s: an early example of the challenge of unequa...

Cash Nickerson’s latest book, Negotiation as a Martial Art, describing the power of asking “why” and listening with curiosity and patience to what you hear – including giving the other person plenty of time to respond.  He’s not so sure about how to separate the people from the problem, as suggested in Getting to Yes: sometimes the people are the problem.  And yes, you can negotiate with bullies –...

When we hear something that surprises us – and that we don’t agree with – it can be easy to jump to outrage and stay there. Stewing in the outrage and dismissing the person who said such a thing. Conflict embraced and solidified. “How could they say that!!” might be more useful as “How could they say that?” A question instead of an exclamation. A consideration of the need behind the words. Do you...

Trust is a critical foundation to collaboration and positive change in any setting, education and far beyond. Trust can lead to a culture the fosters collaboration. When trust needs to be repaired, four commitments will help: a commitment to small and consistent actions; a commitment to humility and listening; a commitment to extending forgiveness and trust to others; and a commitment to completin...

Gratitude is a deeply personal emotion. Embracing a platitude that doesn’t feel right to us can lead to inner -- and even outer – conflict. Attitudes of judgment about other people’s apparent gratitude, based on our own perspective start us down the path of conflict. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Le...

Next week, Thanksgiving Day is celebrated in the U.S. Turkey is often on the menu. And conflict is a frequent accompaniment as extended, intergenerational families come together. Our “lizard brain”, in the context of interpersonal conflict, is the part of our human brain that is like a lizard’s: quick but not careful. We can think ahead about how to avoid problems that we know are likely to occur;...

Toxic positivity is excessive and ineffective emphasis on a happy and optimistic take on a situation. It can do harm to the person on the receiving end of it and to the relationship between that person and the person engaging it. Even when – as is usually the case, good intentions motivate it. Still, an opportunity for unnecessary interpersonal conflict. Better to listen and to offer authentic sup...

There’s an expression that “to assume” is to make an a-s-s out of u and me. Note that it’s a two-way street of trouble: it’s bad for both of us.  Assumptions can be harmful in many contexts. One is inherited personal property. We have heard plenty about conflicts over items of limited monetary value that have the same or similar significant emotional value to family members.  My guest last week, M...

Marlene Stum is in her thirty-third year at the University of Minnesota. Her particular interest and expertise involves research and educational resources to help later life families preserver their financial security and social well-being. We discuss the six factors of the Who Gets Granma’s Yellow Pie Plate? project. Practical research-based resources are available through https://extension.umn.e...

In a recently published article, Deborah Tannen described the concept of “cooperative overlapping”. In the article, she explains how she coined the phrase in her 1984 book, Conversational Style . The idea is that interrupting someone who is speaking can be a positive: it’s meant to show engagement in what the speaker is saying and to encourage the speaker to continue. Read her article here: https:...

Deborah Tannen describes herself as a linguist who studies the mechanics of conversation. Her studies, articles, and books cover a wide range of potentially thorny types of conversation. The key takeaways regarding conflict? Although we may have different approaches to conversation, one is not necessarily better than another.  Our challenge is understanding that we have these differences and not j...

Cindy Radu brings a background in law and accounting to her work with legacy families. In particular, her deep expertise with trusts enables Cindy to help families achieve their wealth legacy goals. She offers three specific takeaways. First, communicate about the purpose of a trust -- the mission, vision, and values behind it. Second, intentionally activate the trust. Third, collaboration among a...

The phrase “giving someone the benefit of the doubt” suggests only one benefit, bestowed by one person upon another, when trustworthiness is accepted, even though there is some question about it. The benefits are actually broader: the relationship is spared the stress of distrust and possible rupture and the one “giving” the benefit is relieved of the burden of judging the other person as untrustw...