Commentary Fairy

It's the sequel that couldn't possibly be made by the same people who made the first one except oh dear god it is. I was so excited for this film, being a massive fan of the original. And just like the Burj Khalifa, my hopes were lifted high... then dropped like a meteorite onto London. They tried to make a disaster movie and instead made a disaster of  a movie. Discussed in this episode:  attempt...

If you woke up one morning, looked out the window and saw a 15-mile-wide alien spaceship hovering over you, what would you do? Exactly. You'd throw on this unauthorised audio commentary of Independence Day and spend the last 2-and-a-half hours of your life thinking "why do I hate myself?" The greatest alien invasion disaster movie of all time (small category) - 1996's Independence Day  is just as...

When your high school teachers suddenly become distractingly sexy overnight, there's only two explanations - 1) they've all started dating someone really special who also attends the school (possibly a student) or 2) they've all been taken over by aliens. Aliens who know how to werk it . Wizza wizza... Don't cha wish ya teacher was hawt like me... Don't cha... (Robert Patrick doing the worm on a s...

One of the rare part fours that could very well stand toe-to-kitchen-knife with the O.G. film. New decade. New rules. New Commentary Fairy. Old, tired jokes. Discussed in this episode:  our connection to Idiocracy (beyond just us being idiots) Inception-ocracy "The Voice" finally adapting to suit the characters of the killers The best-selling Roger Jackson Voice Changer app on Google Play the psyc...

Part trois! Or as Randy, once again incorrectly, puts it: "the concluding chapter of a trilogy". Expect big revelations. Expect meta references. Expect the killer to briefly fake their own death for absolutely no goddamn reason whatsoever. Yep, it's a Scream movie. Discussed in this episode:  Post-shower towel etiquette Liev Schreiber's impressive unjacketed physique as requested by him a voice di...

Sidney Prescott Pres-es her luck and gets cott up in another murder spree and this time the dual motivations are even more sketchy/hastily-rewritten-post-internet-leak! Discussed in this episode: Shriek Forever After Jerry O'Connell's evil twin brother the coolest frat house of all - Epsilon Omicron Upsilon Titanic's misplaced fear Diane Sawyer exposé as motivation for murder Mr Randy Tumnus' spor...

Hey! A recording that's not technically butchered worse than Drew Barrymore's abdomen! YES!!! Of course, technical perfection doesn't preclude temporal problems - and in this case, we recorded later in the day than we usually do and Rita suffers from a case of the I've-been-awake-for-over-16-hours sleepy-byes. Hopefully next time: good audio quality ✔︎ full consciousness ✔︎ Discussed in this episo...

Welcome to the Bungle: The Next Level of Failure Well that didn't work. So this time we did a test beforehand and everything was all good. Then I checked the file afterwards - no good. This time it's the L (Joe) channel that went haywire*, which I guess is only fair (*honestly I think the audio could only be worse if we used hay instead of wire). Crackle, echo and skip - no, it's not a trio of Sat...

TOTAL TITS-UP. I’ve devised a new and improved recording method for these ridiculous things (which boils down to plugging both mikes into the one laptop instead of two different ones - genius!/commonsense), but regrettably, something went horribly wrong on this first go-round with the recording of the R channel - Rita’s mike - and it ended up a stuttering, mutated-worse-than-Kuato mess that is TOT...

Vampires! Werewolves! Frankenstein! Igor! Mr Hyde! The Dwergi! Switch your crossbow to auto-fire, cos Van Helsing has it all! It's a crime we didn't get sequels, but we have to be grateful for what we did get: the highest concentration of cool creature transformation effect shots in a single product. Thank you, Stephen Sommers. I don't want this Sommer to end. Discussed in this episode: the shocki...

Don't steal Arnold Schwarzenegger's daughter unless you're Chris Pratt. Apologies for our lack of familiarity with this film. If you get to the end of a movie and you're still wondering why did they kill that guy in the opening scene? - you know you've spent too much time discussing villains who knit their own vests, the insanity of ripping out a car seat to sit lower in close-ups rather than just...

When your planned multi-film franchise stops dead after two instalments, you know you were onto a good thing! AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 wraps up all the loose threads! [SPOILERS] Even though Peter goes against Gwen's father's dying wish by spending every second scene standing next to her, when he should be staying away from her for her protection, which results in her dying by an externally undetectabl...

The Amazing Spider-Man! The film that puts the "boo" in "reboot"! To be fair, not everyone would be booing, and we have remained impartial by presenting two conflicting opinions on the likability of this version of the character, as compared to the Tobey Maguire iteration (the one that didn't bully and humiliate people and never took a creepy pervert photo of his love interest without her knowledg...

Sand! Black slime! A baby goblin! No, it's not Shrek 4 . (Shrek's babies are ogres, his swamp is more brown than black and sand- wtf? NOTHING about that joke works!) But therein lies the problem - a film that suffers under the weight of three villains - four if you count emo Peter Parker and why wouldn't you? In fact, boost that to six - he's as bad as all the other three combined. Rest assured, w...

Rita's favourite Spider-Man is back for a second helping and this time he's met his match with an octopedal-in-more-than-just-name opponent, Doctor Otto "Octopus" (Ock to his friends) Octavius. But Peter's preference to spend some quality time with MJ rather than tangle with mechanical tentacles is threatening to tear his whole world apart. What's a superhero to do? The answer is always: do both....

This time we stumble through Leigh Whannel's awesomely inventive 2018 sci-fi thriller with as much grace as two people whose body-controlling spinal implants are being remotely shut down. But to be fair, it's a movie we've collectively seen only one time and it's the kind of movie that demands you pay attention and not say stupid things all throughout it, though we fought as best we could. Thanks...

Sylvester Stallone at his Rockiest? Obviously we're talking about the 1993 action film Cliffhanger. Don't piss him off in a cave with stalactites. Other caves are ok. (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 02:38 )

The Game meets Saw meets Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory , only without as much compelling mystery, torture porn and Oompa Loompas. ★★★★★ Fun challenge: start this commentary and see if you can escape the room you're in before we say something dumb. Can't be done. Thanks to Mr. Porter for the suggestion! (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 02:34 )

For our first non-series, standalone commentary, we're taking things to the limit, vertically. (Joe also tests the limits of human ignorance by getting Pakistan confused with Sri Lanka). It's the 2000 action-adventure classic that's dripping in spindrift, exploding blood bags, Australian loutishness, dexamethasone and nitroglycerin. It is of course, Vertical Limit . Strap on the nitro. And strap o...

FINDEST 5! The final (no really) instalment in the series that ties everything together as effectively as a suspension bridge that completely shatters into rubble due to "high winds". New places to avoid: suspension bridges that completely shatter into rubble due to high winds, gymnastics practice, massage parlours that also do acupuncture, the worst laser eye surgeon since Goldfinger, hard-hat-re...

The DEFINITIVE Final Destination. All others are just "a" Final Destination - just another Final Destination - one of many. This is THE Final Destination. It's all down-hill from here. New places to avoid: speedway, outside a black man's house where you hope to burn a wooden cross because you're low-key racist, beauty salon, car wash, public pool, shopping mall, cafe, cinema. We're all trying to g...

♫ Pleasure at the fairground on the way... FINAL DESTINATION 3! - the movie that takes you on a rollercoaster ride and then breaks it. New places to avoid: showgrounds, tanning salons, drive thrus, gyms, hardware stores, subway trains. In fact, best not go anywhere - your best hope of surviving this series is to try and become a disembodied consciousness. (if you want to sync it up to the film, we...

FINAL DESTINATION 2 - It's the sequel that makes you more afraid to merge onto the freeway than you already were! I don't think these "Final" Destinations are as final as they've been hyped up to be. It should be called Just One In A Series Of Destinations 2. Or how about A Series Of Unfortunate Events-- no that's taken. Just remember kids, don't do every form of drug known to man and drive. (if y...

A movie that, by accident, became a series of movies about a series of accidents. A cautionary tale disguised as a supernatural thriller that exposes the dangers of planes, trains, automobiles and doing your laundry in the bathroom. (Clearly someone saw the John Hughes comedy starring Steve Martin and John Candy when they were in a dark mood and got inspired.) (if you want to sync it up to the fil...

Like all true dinosaur tales, this one ends with balls of fire falling from the sky. And then moves to a gigantic mansion in Northern California complete with museum, laboratory and prison. (if you want to sync it up to the film, we hit PLAY @ 02:07 )