Commentary Fairy

Rita and Joe have their piercings ripped out by an MRI machine in Research Mode as they talk over Final Destination 6.

Rita and Joe are tempted by demonically chivalric Billy Zane into talking over 1995's Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight.

In 2010, Rusty Crowbar starred in a criminally (or perhaps not-so-criminally...?) underrated white-knuckle thriller from the writer-director of the film that stole Best Picture from Brokeback Mountain with a title that could describe any film that includes a 72-hour period in its narrative. But I implore you - don't lock this one away. Bust it out of its snap case and run with it, because it's a s...

Robert De Niro directs a film about a young bucking Bronxo whose soul hangs in the balance, swinging like an Italian sausage between two male role models: his working-class loyal Dad and his murdering-class local dirtbag. (His mother vanishes completely after the first act, not that he ever noticed her). Along the way he stumbles into a love-at-first-100-sights relationship, a race war triggered b...

No matter how many times these peanut-eyed-ghost-mask-wearing psychos get killed, they just won't stay dead. Some new psycho (and their plus one) always takes up the mantle, rents the same Halloween costume, downloads the exact same Roger L. Jackson voice modulator app and takes a stab at it, usually in retaliation for a previous psycho. "Maybe THIS time the recurring plan to [needlessly] fake one...

100 EPISODES!  🎉🎊🥳 Have we really wasted this much time? It sounds like something we'd do. And what better film to blabber through in celebration of reaching syndication than the third-highest-grossing film of all time (adjusted for inflation) - TITANIC! Apparently one of the most incredible true stories in history wasn't incredible enough for James Cameron, who thought a whirlwind, forbidden r...

Join us for an M. Night in as we age ourselves two hours watching one of Rita's favourite flicks from the last decade - a tropical getaway adventure to a secluded beach surrounded by the kind of minerals that would make anyone in the skincare industry shit their pants and fall out of bed screaming. If Neutrogena found out about this little slice of paradise, they'd drop a hydrogen bomb on it. But...

Disney does it again! The studio that rose to prominence acquiring other people's stories and turning them into something magical has mutated into the studio that buys other studios and turns their IP into something calculatedly profitable. Although in this case, they seem to have miscalculated. Is it as bad as many believe? Did Disney raid Indy's tomb and fail to find anything that belongs in a t...

For 19 years of harmony, the Indiana Jones films existed as a beloved, near-perfect trilogy of swashbuckling adventure and quintessential movie magic. Then along came 2008, to shatter that harmony with an elongated glitter-infused novelty bowling ball in the shape of Beldar Conehead's skull. Every character becomes an indestructible cartoon, every animal is a CGI-sore and every story decision make...

Crusaders of the Lost Cup! In 1989 Spielberg closed the artistically carved stone coffin lid on the perfect action-adventure-serial trilogy, never to be opened again. And why would it be? A more perfect conclusion you couldn't ask for: the only father-son wilderness retreat you ever need to go on - a riotous, rollicking, fun-filled, action-packed pleasure trip by land, sea and air through the midd...

Adventure just updated its profile and I'm just reading here-- apparently it has a name now: "Indiana Jones". I hope it doesn't get offended if I sometimes slip up and call it "adventure", especially since this film very much defines that word: Period Shanghai club brawl and car chase... jumping out of a plane on a raft... elephants in the jungle... booby trap crushing room with spikes... subterra...

In 1981, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas collectively decided their absolute domination of popular cinema wasn't absolute enough and joined forces to create the greatest adventure hero in history, for a lark. Indiana Jones  - a name that rolls off tongues easier than a spherical boulder in an ancient South American temple booby-trap before dropping into a well of 7000 snakes, sliding under a mov...

Howdy do it? Bobby Zemeckis surprised all of us by making part trois the first Sci-Fi Western Adventure Comedy Romance, a feat not repeated until Cowboys & Aliens . But don't panic - all the questions and mysteries and cliffhangers and dangling threads from Part II will be resolved: Will Marty get back to the present again, again? Will Doc power up his f[l]ux capacitor? Will Marty finally stop...

A sequel that's almost three movies for the price of one: a wacky futurist escapade to rescue Marty's disown-worthy children from just one of what is certain to be thousands of shameful misadventures over the course of their lives; a grim darkest-timeline nightmare reality that's eerily comparable to Trump's America in which Marty has lost one father but gained two double-Ds; and a complete re-run...

A film with a perfect screenplay... just received a perfect commentar 3h^ &%#N}*fa$Z@)SH||||PH!! holy cow that was so untrue I wasn't physically able to type it. But seriously, how does a film that contains these story elements - a mum who wants to ride her son's pony; successfully coercing someone into making a move by pretending to be from outer space and threatening to melt their brain; a s...

It's time to put the final, face-scarring nail in the coffin of our mini-series obsessed with "TWIN FILMS"! The digital files will corrupt and disintegrate over time, but the memories will last forever. Snow White and the Huntsman may have been marred in controversy on its release, thanks to an indiscreet US-Weekly-captured tonsil hockey tournament between its director and lead star; the non-dwarf...

It's been a moment since we've done one of these, but what better film to restart the engine with than everyone's second-favourite 2012 live-action adaptation of the fairy-tale of Snow White? It may also be the perfect film to clog the engine permanently, but we'll see what happens. This will probably be the last of our twin-film double-features - Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman - wh...

We're back from another hiatus! I can't guarantee there won't be multiple hiati to come! But when opportunity presents itself to us, like a babboon, we will jump on it, like a babboon. Speaking of babboons, it's time to pop out the twin film of 1999's Entrapment , 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair . It's gotta be a record for time between twins, but we got there in the end. Which is the better female...

We're back from hiatus and stronger than ever! (1% strength instead of zero). And it's time for another pair of twin films! This time it's the 1999 female-insurance-investigator-looks-into-theft-of-valuable-painting-which-leads-her-to-become-intimately-involved-with-wealthy-art-thief-portrayed-by-ex-James-Bond twofer of Entrapment and The Thomas Crown Affair . The only difference in this version i...

AKA Everything You've Never Wanted To Know About Han Solo And Were Too Narratively Astute To Ask. Alden Ehrenreich plays Youngen Han Nosquad in this planet-hopping adventure that features raw, unrefined coaxium/storytelling, a robot with a 20,000rpm internal sex drive and the Millennium Pelican. You'll never watch Star Wars the same way again. Heck - why would anyone want  to? - it's not like it's...

We left a couple of glaring, gaping holes in our Star Wars commentary coverage, and I apologise profusely. I can't imagine how many nights you've lain awake tormented by uncertainty as to how exactly the Rebellion stole the plans to the dreaded Death Star, or how Han Solo acquired his surname. Rest assured, we will fill these holes, answer these urgent questions and restore order to the galaxy, st...

Psycho made you afraid of motels... Jaws made you afraid of the ocean... Get Out confirmed your existing fear of white people... Now Don't Breathe is here to make you afraid of the visually impaired. And to teach you an important lesson in morality: Don't Steal. Unless you're inadvertently stealing from someone committing worse crimes than you're committing and you're ultimately cool with losing a...

A more accurate title would be Confronting Angry. Paul Walker stars as the worst gangster, son, husband, father and undercover fed you've ever been threatened by with a loaded pistol as you hold your crying baby in your arms. He's about to give his next door neighbour's already-abused kid a first-hand education in drug dens, pimps, prostitutes, corrupt cops, child abduction, plastic bag asphyxiati...

Get ready to be deeply Affleck-ted by a Lively, Renner-gade group of bank robbers making Hamm-fisted attempts to steal Hall the money in Boston. And if you think you won't be able to sympathise with the hero, just you Postlethwaite - because in addition to being an unreformed criminal, he's also a dishonest boyfriend, absentee father, committer of extreme off-court ice hockey violence against comp...

As if driving a cab in L.A. wasn't enough to deal with. "Hey! It's a beautiful night for a murder in the City of Angles - hell, make it five murders - I'm feelin' generous! Four overweight witnesses, most with zero protection or discretion, and one complete non-liability - the prosecuting attorney - as a bonus. Why not? Let's go for the straight flush so no-one from the other side of the aisle sho...