Commentary Fairy

Jabba. Emperor Palps. Ewoks. Chicken walkers. Death Star v2.0. Green-flavoured lightsaber. ⛓👙😍. Your entire Return of the Jedi shopping list is here and available for purchase! A rollicking, action-packed capper to the saga. Story complete! Until G-Luca$ ripped those stitches out and poured the boiling, salt-favoured lemon juice of the Prequel Trilogy into the gaping wound. (Coming Next 👍😀👍)...

The Empire didn't do a lot of good in their time, but the world will always be grateful for that brief, precious, perfect moment in 1980... when it struck the f--- back. Discussed in this episode: Correct Star Wars pronunciation Wampa food preservation Job security working under Darth "if-it-ain't-working-choke-it-to-death" Vader 20th Century Fox '76 Executive Christmas Party - "Hey, did you hear...

For our latest series, we're going back to a long time ago - 1977 - a year that will live in famy - as the year people first saw the first version of this, the 11th version of Star Wars , aka Star Wars - Episode IV - A New Hope: The Special Edition (Disney 4K "Maclunky" release) . George Lucas giveth and George Lucas taketh away and giveth back covered in Jabba's lip fungus. Discussed in this epis...

It's the 2002 rap battle flick that slick and sick with a quick cheating chick and a hick lunatic who clicks his six and nicks his prick and mom's picked a dick and her son's a dropkick takin' licks on the bricks til his schtick sticks and he gives the free world the flick 'cause politics. *mike placed gently on stage* Discussed in this episode: Stan - the streaming service, not the Eminem alias E...

The Brit' hit the fandom in 2002 and splattered us with this film, in which Miss Spears plays against type as someone who isn't comfortable being a sensational singing entertainer until she spends 10 seconds on stage and effortlessly slips into that role. Discussed in this episode: #FreeBritney #LockUpDanAykroyd Belly-button piercing Expensive pink underwear vs full-body Johnson's baby powder Acti...

🎉🎊✨The 50th Episode of Commentary Fairy!✨🎊🎉 Roughly 100 hours of content! What an incredible achievement at such a young age! And what better film to mark the occasion than 2001's Mariah Carey vehicle that blew a tyre and drove into a ravine - Glitter! Discussed in this episode: A Star Is Born Countless Times The Lego Batman Movie Falling asleep with a lit cigarette in your hand... but the p...

One of Rita's favourite childhood popcorn (literally) flicks features not 1, but 5 spice-themed female British popstars. Now that's value! Our next 4 "random" films are actually connected, 🔌 as part of a really specific sub-genre. The name of that sub-genre is: A music artist (or music group in this case) that only did ONE narrative * feature film (*so not a concert movie) in which they were the...

We're returning to the town of death - Woodsboro - because we're just as barmy as Sidney Prescott in this movie (and because we've committed to continue with any past series if a new instalment is released). But seriously - it's a pretty easy decision: A) Living outside of Woodsboro --- no dealing with knife-wielding maniacs ☀️ B) Visiting Woodsboro --- guaranteed dealing with knife-wielding mania...

Some say it's the worst movie ever made. Others haven't seen it yet. Hop into one of several extravagantly self-illuminated "stealth" vehicles and take a ride through your worst comic book nightmare with George "I'm so sorry" Clooney, Chris O'Donnell's peel-away lips, Alicia Silverstone picking out her career coffin, Uma Thurman voting green in a city of fossil-fuel-dependent conservatives, and Ar...

Batman was becoming too dark, so Warner Bros. recruited Joel Schumacher to shine a bright, multi-coloured UV neon light on his ripped rubber man-abs until his nipples went erect. Join RoboKilmer, Tommy-Lee "I-Hate-Crazy-Unless-It's-My-Crazy" Jones, Nicole Batgroupie Kidman, Chris O'Donnell's earring and a movie-stealing Jim Carrey in the motion kitschture that presents the riddle "What if Batman d...

The 🦇 The 🐈 The 🐧 A trio of pale-skinned monochromatic social-outcast freaks in a gothic, snowy wonderland with a gang of psychopathic circus performers set to Danny Elfman. Yep, it's a Tim Burton movie. Discussed in this episode: #JusticeForPenguin The best image to symbolise your energy company: a grinning spherical cat head Batman's see-no-murder-be-no-murder justification for murder Dream p...

Nicholson. Keaton. Prince. The year is 1989. Bruce Wayne is buying kooky life-sized collectible figurines from other cultures, Alfred's primary objective is to coerce his master into monogamy, Joker's worst crime is his dress sense and Commissioner Gordon is the symbol of blundering incompetence Gotham deserves. So begins our four-film Burton/Schumacher Batman journey. It's gonna be a loooong, dar...

Wesley Snipes is injecting the Big Apple with crack and Ice-T wants to spray him with arresticide. That's right - it's 1991 and you're in New Jack City, New Jack State. Suits were 12 sizes too big, bling was a danger to your spine and France wanted its entire supply of berets back. Discussed in this episode: Aiming for the Achilles tendon Club Spottite Struggling to understand what "new jack" mean...

He's the ultimate POV (Punching Opponents Viciously) GoPro Hero - Hardcore Henry! Regarding Hardcore Henry, we hadn't seen this film before recording this commentary, but we did our darndest to stay, at maximum, only three steps and a rooftop leap behind the plot, bleeding from a fatal gut wound. Discussed in this episode: Predictions: reflections, waking up, freak peeing and seXXX Glassing people...

"A trigger-happy full-frontal assault!" So the blu-ray cover quote goes, and it's true! (apart from the full-frontal - the most you get is 25% frontal (in the form of one dead tit) and molto sideboob.) Director Michael Davis certainly shot his load in his feature directorial debut and we're the willing recipient. Paul Giamatti chews every scene, Monica Bellucci nurses them and Clive Owen shoots th...

 🍾🎊🥂   HAPPY 40th EPISODE!   🙌🎊🎉 You know what they say - unauthorised commentary life begins at 40! What better time to take a stroll down future slum lane and get maimed by a robot? The year is 2154, and it looks like the rich have gotten richer and the poor poorer. Who saw that coming??? The rich have also gotten higher, physically, and have access to the upgraded version of the unplanned...

Halloooow, Deathly! At long last - the end of Harry Potter! Unlike the movie, our Harry Potter will remain dead. Let's close out with: - An exponential increase in Horcrux destruction - A villain with at least three separate death wishes competing for dominance - In classic tradition, trashing the school at the end of the year Discussed in this episode: The colour scheme - black and white, without...

The Penultimate Potter! It's time to get to the Horcrux of the situation! Brace yourself for: - Dumbledore's lame-as-a-thestral-skeleton-missing-its-leg-bones bequeathed gifts - Infiltrating the Ministry of Magic via bog flush - A lot of screen-time devoted to characters waiting in a forest, with no clue what to do next And apparently there's a darker colour than black. This film discovered it, an...

3/4 of the way through! That means it's time for: - Professor Horace Slughorn - a name only a tapeworm could love - Horcruxes, aka How to Kill a Soul-splitter in 7 Easy Steps - Snape's extensively annotated cheat-sheet textbook, which he leaves in a textbook cupboard for any student to find. Snape  whaaaat? Discussed in this episode: Going even darker than darker, to the point that Warner Bros had...

Harry Potter and the Half-Way Point! Get ready for... - The Ministry of Magic - keepin' it not real! - The Room of The-Plot-Requires-It! - Dolores Umbr-- wait, the Defence Against The Dark Arts Teacher is dodgy AGAIN??? If I didn't know better, I'd swear there was a pattern gradually developing. Discussed in this episode: The Dudley-Dursley-related twist that would flip the Wizarding World on its...

This one has some of the high points of the series: - The Triwizard Tournament! (or should that be the Quadwizard Tournament?) - The first appearance of Ralph! (rhymes with chafe, which is always a danger after unnecessarily shaving one's armpits) - The Yule Ball! (as in Yule Ball your eyes out when Pattinson's ghost, having completed the 5 stages of grief in less than 5 minutes, casually requests...

Third time's the charm/spell! Azkaban you shall receive... - Buckbeak the Hippogriff/Horseagle! - Boggarts! (No, it's not artworks you form in your toilet bowl) - A time travel necklace that could easily have saved Cedric Diggory's life in the next movie and prevented any number of terrible future events from happening! Let's party like it's 1699*! (*judging from the decor and lack of any post-Vic...

Rita and Joe talk over the film that makes you want to stab a book - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!

For our biggest commentary series yet, we're forging our transcripts and attending seven years at Hogwarts School for the Magically Abled. Hopefully nobody sniffs out our filthy Muggle blood and lynches us. 8 films. 8 Fairies. At least 6 dodgy Defence Against The Dark Arts teachers. Let's get this ball Rowling. Discussed in this episode: America's aversion to any title that combines geology and ph...

✔︎ Terrific humour ✔︎ Terrific practical effects, visual effects, makeup and production design ✔︎ Terrific Danny Elfman score ✔︎ Terrific lead performances from Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones with terrific chemistry ✔︎ Terrific all-time brilliant villain performance from Vincent D'Onofrio Thank god the Men in Black haven't felt the need to flashy-thing away our memory of this film, because if they...