Coffee with The Couple Cure

Sometimes addicts answer with “I don’t know” to questions like, “when did it start?” “how often?” and “did you ever see ___?” And his not knowing can leave the betrayed partner feeling very skeptical. Is it possibly he really doesn’t remember? This video dives into that question. Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:07 Question: Do porn addicts really not remember some specifics? 0:23 What one CSAT said (it I...

Join us as we tackle what recovering addicts need to watch out for on the journey to sobriety. We’ll give practical tips for those in recovery such as avoiding triggers, the “why” behind choosing sobriety, as well as why YOUR PARTNER IS NOT YOUR ENEMY. Because we include a couple of solutions (including an easy way to see if you’re edging) this video can help you increase your self-awareness and d...

What should you do if the addict keeps relapsing/betraying you–especially if your friends keep telling you to leave? Should you divorce? Should you stay? Can life get any better if he keeps relapsing and lying? We talk about this, while giving you 3 things to try. 0:00 Intro 0:07 Question: My friends say I should leave my husband because he keeps relapsing–what do you think? 0:26 Lori’s thoughts (...

In our work, we have seen some husband’s who have lied about their wives to the helping community–lying to pastors, counselors, family and friends–about her. Or the husband will diagnose her with a mental disorder of some sort. We address that topic, as well as what a partner can do, in this situation. 0:00 Intro & Question 0:34 When the husband thinks, “My apology should be enough!” 0:50 One earl...

There are many things I wish I had known right after D-Day… things that would have helped me recover more quickly. In this video, I cover several of them, and Jay gives extra input from the addict-who’s-found-sobriety point of view. (Please note: We do not condone hitting your spouse. If this is happening, please reach out to your local shelters/authorities.) Timestamps: 0:00 Intro 0:23 Coming dow...

In this video, we discuss a difficult topic, so if you’re not up for that right now, feel free to come back later. But it’s happened often enough over the last several years we thought we would cover it. And that hard reality is this: marriages in this particular helping community have been ending, or there’s been hidden relapse. It’s a serious topic, but we strive to give you some hope. - Timesta...

What caused Jay to take all of this more seriously (even if he felt attacked)? And what would cause Matt to say, “This is stupid!” We cover both of those here, in this LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:19 Did Jay feel like doing those things when he felt unfairly attacked? * 2:59 One Solution: Giving guidance vs “This is stupid”...

Transitioning from dating to marriage has its challenges, even without addictions. But healing a relationship after betrayal is even more challenging. Here are some things you can do to make the process easier–without resenting your spouse–especially if you’re trying to rebuild trust. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:11 It doesn’t take much 1:06 What some...

Rebuilding trust takes more than honest answers to the questions you are asked. You have to share what is going on for you without being prompted. This is huge in rebuilding trust after betrayal. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:12 Not lying but not sharing (this) either * 2:37 One Solution: Share thoughts & feelings for connection 3:41 One Solution: Open...

Connection doesn’t just happen. You have to make plans and create opportunities to connect. This episode shows specific ways to do this that may work better for both partners. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:24 Because it was majestic or because it was shared? 1:29 One Solution: Face-to-face and Shoulder-to-shoulder * 4:03 From intense talks every night...

This video covers some brain science behind video games. We also discuss how Jay replaced his entertainment addiction with a bigger life so he could finally feel satisfied. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:21 The brain science? (It simulates success) * 1:46 Distraction due to trauma? (What many addicts do) 4:01 Lori to Jay: “You can’t sit still” 4:32 How...

This episode covers video games and hobbies, and how being distracted by learning things can harm trust restoration. We also discuss how entertainment actually helped our relationship. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:11 How video games affected our marriage 1:42 I couldn’t entertain him 2:55 One Solution: Watch out for dissociation * 5:45 Distracted by l...

In this video we discuss two addictions we haven’t covered before, as well as 2 different kinds of values. WE also discuss the issue of faking vulnerability. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:15 Video games and hobbies (where we invest our time in relationships) 0:39 Stated Values vs Lived Values (“not demonizing those activities”) * 2:51 This can lead to...

How do you know if you should stay or go? And what would cause Lori to say, “I am more important than ___”? We discuss those topics with author and coach, Matthew Fray, as well as what if he never gets it? TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:15 What Matt would have told Jay and Lori to do back then 1:24 One Solution: Where to draw the line between staying or...

In this conversation with Matthew Fray, we discuss different viewpoints if it appears the guy isn’t ‘all in.’ We also cover one thing Lori HAD to start trusting Jay would do. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:15 If he (or she) doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore… * 3:07 When guys don’t want to change (instead adding lies) 4:55 What if he’s not '...

How can a guy keep himself from mistreating–or even abusing–his partner? And how do you even start talking about those behaviors? Those are a couple of topics we discuss with author Matthew Fray in this video. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:18 Betrayal trauma & how it is the dividing line 2:08 One Solution: How to not be a mistreater/abuser * 3:20 The h...

Are safety and trust the same thing? This video will look at safety and trust from different angles, and it also covers why a guy may get defensive over those topics, and “What if the guy doesn’t change?” TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:14 Are safety & trust the same? 0:47 Maslow's Hierarchy & trust 1:53 One Solution: If people prioritize safety & trust...

In the continued conversation with Matt Fray, we cover a few different kinds of guys, including guys who get defensive, guys who fix, guys who ‘don’t get it,’ and guys who are teachable. We also discuss why Lori would say, “That’s not how relationships work,” and why Matt would say, “Can you just care?” TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:17 When he feels de...

How does validation heal broken trust… especially if he constantly chooses himself over her? And how can he conquer the monsters betrayal usually brings? We discuss these with Matt Fray in this video, as well as how just agreeing on the surface can harm relationships. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:17 How agreeing (on the surface) can make things worse...

This video covers 3 places guys get stuck in broken trust, how he can connect with her pain after broken trust, and what to know if a guy is saying, “Aren’t you over that yet?”. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Boys don't cry? 0:40 One Solution: How guys can connect with her pain * 3:27 "Aren't you over that yet?" (Therapists said it will take this long)...

Disagreements can lead to 3 types of invalidation, as well as 1 unique way invalidation erodes trust–especially when she feels he doesn’t understand her pain. We discuss this with Matt Fray, as well as a couple things the guy can do instead. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:14 Our male clients have a lot of trouble with this 1:05 One Solution: How Matt ex...

Why is validation one quick way to heal trust? Because without it she will have a difficult time healing within the relationship. This video covers that concept, as well as why sexual affairs may be easier than emotional affairs. (Jay and I also talk about the guys we have a difficult time helping.) TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:13 Validation, Restorin...

What’s the first thing a guy should do if he’s harmed the relationship, and what can make him “get it” more quickly? Also what can the lady do if his goal is to have an affair? We discuss those topics with author Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:11 What if his goal is to have an affair? 1:09 One Solution: The quickest way to make him ‘get it’ *...

Unfortunate ideas can get twisted in a person’s mind, leading them to have affairs; ideas like, “But if my wife were the right person…” We discuss this with author Matt Fray, and we also cover the question: Are emotional affairs truly affairs–and what can make it all less difficult? TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro / Defensiveness & intimidation 1:25 “I car...

Can porn use and lies lead to PTSD? And what can be done when someone says, “Why won’t you lighten up?” We cover those topics in our continued talk with author, Matt Fray. TIMESTAMPS (click on a time below to be taken to that section) 0:00 Intro 0:20 Unmet needs & PTSD after broken trust * 0:58 The addicts we see tend to focus on these needs 1:43 One solution to “Why won’t you lighten up?” * 2:42...