As Long As I'm Living

2024, watch out! Don't even bother trying to be bad, because we are going to FORCE YOU TO BE GOOD. We are ready for a good year; we've earned it. ::: Things we talk about in this episode: - ⁠Happier New Year⁠ : 2022's new year episode, where we talk 2021 and 2022 horoscopes - We Reject Our 2023 Horoscopes : 2023's new year episode, where we talk about our 2022 and 2023 horoscopes -...

Hi there! Alina live podcasted her Christmas Day. A lucky few of you listened live (hello!), but she's since edited this down to something a little more coherent. Sending holiday season love to anyone celebrating or avoiding celebrating. ::: Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at  @aslongasimlivingpodcast , send us an email at  aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com , or visit us at  anch...

Today on the podcast, we're honoring Judith's birthday (today!) by talking about how hard it is to celebrate another year without your baby. Getting another year older when your baby never will is a tough pill to swallow. Listen to hear our thoughts on our birthdays and others after our babies died. ::: Things we talk about in this episode: - Bustle's article: "The Birthday Blues...

We're joined on the podcast again today by Rabbi Nissan Antine. In this episode, we talk about what a clergyperson or rabbi does when they arrive at the scene of a death. We also talk about the difference between grief and mourning. Do you know a clergyperson of a different faith that you'd like to see us interview for the podcast? Please let us know ⁠here⁠ ! ::: Things we talk about in th...

Today on the podcast, we're welcoming our first clergyperson, Rabbi Nissan Antine. In this episode, we talk about Rabbi Antine's role when a loved one dies and discuss the laws and structures that Judaism puts in place to support those who are mourning. Do you know a clergyperson of a different faith that you'd like to see us interview for the podcast? Please let us know here ! ::: Thi...

(i carry it in my heart) In this episode, we talk about how we keep Quinn and Aiden alive in our hearts and homes. This is one of the ways that we continue to parent our boys, and it feels like an important part of our life's work to make sure their memory doesn't die with them. Do you have a special way or ways you include your baby in your life? We'd love to hear about it! ::: Things...

We'd like to be a little less strong, but unfortunately we are still flexing our resilience muscles every single day. We're heading into whatever fresh hell this new week has in store for us, armed with antidepressants, candles, and the new perspective granted to us by the loss. Join us! P.S. The internet was not our friend during this recording. Apologies for the pure chaos that unfolds a...

"Mortui Vivos Docent" is Latin for the Dead Teach the Living, and it's also the TikTok handle of autopsy tech (and first responder) Ephina Disinger. We are joined again today by Ephina and her coworker and friend chief deputy coroner Caroline Hanau. If you missed our first interview with Ephina and Caroline, you can find it here . We have included an explicit content warning at the b...

How many guests have we hosted on As Long As I'm Living podcast? What is the only US state that we've never had a listener from? What is the name of the episodes where we talk about body image, grief in the media, or traveling while bereaved? We quiz each other on these questions, and many more, in this special anniversary episode of As Long As I'm Living podcast! We're so glad you...

We are joined today by paramedic and autopsy technician Ephina Disinger and her coworker and friend chief deputy coroner Caroline Hanau. If you had told us 3 years ago that we'd be interviewing experts in infant autopsy after our sons' sudden deaths... well, we wouldn't believe you. But we can't tell you just how HEALING this conversation was, not to mention fascinating. Infants ar...

Sometimes we're able to zoom out and see a pattern in our grief... The worst weeks -- the ones where we're on the floor, sobbing, hating our lives -- are typically followed by time where we feel so joyful and happy to be alive. Do you notice this patten in your grief? :::

In case you missed all of the 10 million news stories, a new war has broken out in the Middle East. Judith is experiencing communal grief in real time as the horrors unfold, and it's triggering a lot of her own personal grief. I (Alina) am really moved by Judith's compassion for everyone involved even amidst an active trauma affecting her community. I'm asking anyone choosing to listen...

Meet Christine, Miranda's Mom! Judith and Christine met at a grief retreat in summer of 2021. They connected instantly, loss mom to loss mom, despite the fact that Christine's daughter was 25 years old when she died. In this interview, we talk about the pros and cons of losing an adult child vs. a baby, the ways it's the same, and the ways it's different. Christine's no-nonsens...

"You knew your body would change after having a baby, but you weren't prepared for how it would look with empty arms and heart broken." <-- These words from Unexpected Family Outing stuck with Alina from the first time she saw this post the month after Quinn died, and that's what today's episode is about. The childbearing years are hard on everyone's bodies, but it&#39...

Quinn would have turned three last week, and Alina live podcasted for the lead up to and day of his birthday. He was born, and then he died. And it's fucked up. He should be here. ::: Things we talk about in this episode: - The reel Alina made about searching for a birthday card appropriate for a dead 3-year-old - Quinn is 3 ::: Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivin...

In this week's episode, we continue our conversation with OBGYN Dr. Heather Florescue, who has built a practice around delivering stillborn babies and babies born after loss. Last week, we talked to her about how she found her niche in obstetrics, what it's like to tell a patient their baby died, and how she educates OBGYNs to provide better care for these patients. You can listen to that episode...

Meet Dr. Heather Florescue, an OBGYN out of Rochester, NY. She's a mom of 3 (triplets!) and an advocate for better care for patients who experience baby loss. Listen to this episode to hear all about how she found her niche in obstetrics, what it's like to tell a patient their baby died, and how she educates OBGYNs to provide better care for these patients. Next week's episode will be...

Hi friends! We are fresh off of our 2023 grief retreat, where we cried, laughed, swam, reminisced, ate snacks, lit candles, danced, drank beer, and grieved. This episode features audio we recorded live from the retreat. In it, we chat about why we go on this trip every year, reveal who composed our transition music (they're legitimately famous), talk about how we incorporate our boys into ever...

Quinn's Mom got married! It was both amazing and a total emotional shitshow. Listen to hear how wedding morning went, and stay until the end to hear the most beautiful speech ever from the bride's son's best friend's mother, Judith. ::: Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at an...

This is an episode for you to listen to when you're on the floor. For when you're so sad, you can barely function. For when you're staring into the void, at the debris of your broken life. We have been there, and as we record this we are there right now. You are not alone. :: Things we talk about in this episode: - All There Is | Grateful for Grief (Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert)...

All we really want in life is simple: an alive family and a place to call home. Somehow, we can't manage to make it happen. We're back in the washing machine, and the loose threads of our broken dreams are getting stuck in the lint catcher... or something like that (you'll have to pardon our metaphors). ::: - "It only hurts this much right now" is what I've been saying th...

You know that voice in your head that says, "It's been long enough now... time to get over it" when you're having a bad grief day? Well, Alina heard that voice out loud from someone in real life, and we have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS about it. We are sick of grieving. We are sick of living this life after our babies' lives ended. We are sick of being affected daily -- no, hourly...

We're trying something a little different this week on As Long As I'm Living... This is a day in the life! We recorded all of our phone conversations for a day, and Alina spliced them together into this only moderately coherent podcast episode. It's a little chaotic, but truthfully that's because our brains are chaotic! We talk about tons of very real stuff and a bunch of nonsense....

Alina is starting IVF... TOMORROW! (Well, tomorrow as we recorded this episode.) It's a mixed bag of feelings. Grief, that she has to do it at all. Gratitude, that she CAN do it. Excitement to be finally, finally taking steps toward having a rainbow baby. There's a short follow-up at the end with the results from her first egg retrieval -- it didn't go great. Stay tuned for her next st...

Thank you to Tyler, Quinn's step-dad, for this emotionally vulnerable and honest interview. In this episode, Alina talks to her new husband about what the bad days look like from his perspective, how he takes care of himself while taking care of Alina, the great and not-so-great things about their relationship, and so much more. Tyler also answers questions from listeners... questions like: -...