Widow's Permission Slips with Gladys Jean Ullstam

Asking for help has never come easily to me. I’ve spent my life looking after other people, and after Gary died, there were things he had always handled that I had to figure out. One day, that meant calling my daughter for help with a very angry possum. In this episode, I talk about the worry of putting someone out and how to have an answer ready when someone says, “Let me know if you need anythin...

As I mark 40 years since our wedding day and 41 years since Gary and I met, I am reflecting on the lessons his love still teaches me. In this episode, I share the wisdom I carry from Gary—about joy, family, strength, beauty, and believing that everything will be okay—and invite you to name one lesson you carry from your own person. Widow's Permission Slips is a production of Ember & Bloom...

You can be exhausted all day and still lie awake at night. After Gary died, sleep was one of the things that stopped making sense to me. But the tiredness went beyond lost sleep. Life still needed my attention, even when I felt like I had nothing left to give. In this episode, I talk about why “just get some rest” can be such a hard thing to hear when you’re widowed. What if rest doesn’t look the...

After Gary died, I learned that being alone and being lonely are two completely different things. I could be surrounded by people who loved me, sitting at a full table, and still feel completely alone because the one person I was looking for wasn't there. In this episode, I talk about the kind of loneliness a crowd can't fix. I share why it isn't a sign that you're broken or fa...

When Gary died, I didn't just become a widow. I became the only living parent of two grieving kids. Mine are grown, and it turns out grown kids still need their mom in grief. In this episode, I talk about the juggling act nobody hands you a manual for. Mothering broken hearts while your own heart is broken. I share why you can't do your kids' grieving for them, why hiding your grief...

Widowhood makes you want to get small. To pull the world in close, shut the door, and stay in the cave where it feels safe. I know that pull. I felt it hard after Gary died. In this episode, I talk about what happened when I made myself venture out anyway, teaching myself the ukulele in year two and playing open mic nights at an art studio in Hammond, taking every dance class I could find, and mak...

He is in a better place. At least you had the years you had. Everything happens for a reason. And my personal favorite, the head tilt, which doesn't even need words. If you've been widowed for more than about a week, you've collected a whole pile of these, and every one of them lands wrong. In this episode, I talk about what's actually happening when someone who loves you says...

This weekend I floated around a lazy river, watching a giant bucket fill up and dump on the people below. If you see it coming, you can brace for it. It's unpleasant, but you knew what you signed up for. If you don't see it coming, it knocks you clean off your feet. And somewhere on that river, I realized that's exactly how grief works. In this episode, I talk about the hard days we...

In the first two weeks after Gary died, my phone never stopped. Then somewhere around week six, it got quiet. Some of the people I was most sure of were the ones I never heard from again. In this episode, I talk about the second loss nobody prepares you for, and the idea that finally took the sting out of it for me. Relationships have seasons. All of them, our whole lives long. I share why the peo...

A few weeks after Gary died, I had to fill out a form at the bank. Marital status. Single. Married. Divorced. Widowed. My pen just stopped. In this episode, I talk about the question that shows up in waiting rooms and quiet kitchens after your person dies. Who am I now? I share why the word widow felt like it only took things away, the realization that changed how I carry it, and how the answer to...

July 20th - MONDAY Permission Slip  Strong. You're so strong, I don't know how you do it, you're handling this so well. People hand widows that word like a gift, but if you've been widowed more than a few weeks, you know it starts to feel less like a gift and more like a job. In this episode, I talk about the day I hit the wall, bone tired of holding it all together, and why th...

 Early in my grief, my brain told me a lie. It said I deserved to be widowed. In this episode, I share where that thought came from, why it felt so true, and the simple journal exercise that broke the spell. If your brain has ever told you that your loss is somehow the price of your love, this one is for you. Your permission slip this week: I give myself permission to be that loved.  Widow's...

It sneaks up on you. Out of nowhere, you want something again. You laugh a real laugh, you crave a good meal, you catch yourself enjoying an ordinary morning. And then the guilt rushes in right behind it, because how dare you want anything when he is gone. In this episode of Widow's Permission Slips, I sit with you in the strange guilt of wanting things again. I share how long I refused to le...

People love to reassure you that the old you will come back, that one day you will feel like yourself again. But what if that is not true, and what if it does not need to be? Grief changes you all the way down, the way becoming a parent does. There is a you before and a you after, and they are not the same woman. In this episode of Widow's Permission Slips, I talk about being changed by loss...

Somewhere in the middle of all this, you probably started treating your grief like a problem to solve. The books, the stages, the journal, the app, the quiet hope that if you just do the right things in the right order, one day you will wake up and be done with it. In this episode of Widow's Permission Slips, I talk about that day you keep waiting for, the finish line that never actually come...

Episode 1 — You Don't Have to Be Okay Everyone around you seems to need you to be okay. The friend who keeps telling you how strong you are. The coworker who relaxes when you smile. The part of you that has learned to say "I'm fine" because it is easier than watching someone's face fall. In this first episode of Widow's Permission Slips, I sit with you in the exhausti...

It has been a while now, and you can feel the expectation in the air. The sense that you should be further along by this point. Maybe someone has said it out loud, or maybe it is just the way the conversations around you have moved on while you are still standing in the middle of it. In this episode of Widow's Permission Slips, I sit with you in the myth that grief runs on a schedule. We look...

Sometimes grief shows up in ways that surprise you. Laughing at the worst possible moment. Feeling nothing at all when you expected to fall apart. A flash of relief that frightens you. Anger that seems to come from nowhere and land everywhere. In this episode of Widow's Permission Slips, I sit with you in the parts of grief that feel strange or even wrong, the ones that make you quietly wonde...