Free Legal Advice

Coroners are doing work on this scaffolding, so watch for falling caskets. They're careless, they're a little drunk, and they just rolled around in some baby oil, so it's not really a question of if, but when.

We just sort of let it fly in this week's episode. That is, unless you count "What are you guys doing in a few weeks?" as a topic. If that's the case, then this is a tight, laser-focused discussion that gives you all the crucial information you need on this week's topic.

Are you comfortable listening to other people discuss the bygone golden age of print pornography? Well, too bad. You have to listen anyway. This was in the fine print of that deal you signed a long time ago. Don't remember signing any deal? Well, you did. Trust me, it says in the fine print of that deal you signed that you signed the deal.

Wake up, kids! It's time to watch commercials! And we made sure these commercials have absolutely no originality or entertainment value whatsoever. What keeps you watching? A ruthless, mercenary brand of market research, the end result of which tricks your brain into feeling entertained somehow. And what comes every seven minutes, like clockwork? ACTUAL commercials. God bless the USA.

Does the calendar say October? Well, not today. Today it says November. But last month, did it say October or December? I'm pretty sure it said October. So then why the hell are stores full of Christmas crap to buy? Listen as four old men yell at clouds.

Name one reason, seriously, just one reason why you shouldn't get a pet monkey. No, I really mean it: ONE SINGLE REASON. One. Just one. You can't. You cannot. It cannot be done. As long as you ignore all the many, many, many, numerous reasons why you shouldn't.

The entertainment you've come to see has inexplicably stopped. It's sure to pick up again soon, but for now, here's some other, different entertainment. Hopefully it can keep you entertained until the entertainment comes back.

When objects possessing similar qualities accrete around a human being's living space, this phenomenon is known as a collection. And this human is probably known as a nerd. Though collecting, really, is something pretty much everyone does to some degree. You, dear chump of a listener, have collected all 244 FLAP episodes. At least, you better have. And there are ONLY 244, so collect 'em all! And t...

Are you a B-list celebrity promoting an upcoming movie no one cares about? If so, you're on in five. Otherwise, tune in tonight at some strange, incredibly specific time, like 11:35 or something, and listen to some harmless jokes, see a celebrity pretend to be relatable, and then fall asleep before some up-and-coming/washed-up band performs.

There's been a lot of negative talk about the American justice system lately, and it's really been steaming my beans. Don't talk bad about something I don't understand at all! But my lack of understanding didn't stop me from fixing these so-called "problems" in one fell swoop. As a side note, as far as swoops go: For my money, it's fell or nothing. If I'm going to swoop, you can bet your bottom do...

I'm told someone called "The Queen" is dead. Apparently, this was a lady that a bunch of pasty dart-enthusiasts on an island somewhere agreed was somehow a better, more important human than the rest of them, simply because she fell out of the right vagina. It sounds silly, I know, but newborn babies really need to improve their skills in that field, and she was obviously the Babe Ruth of falling o...

There is only one question that needs to be answered about this podcast: Will we get the Six F's, the Fourteen L's, or the Ten B's of Rituals? Or will Cory throw us a curveball and go with an entirely different letter-number combination? Listen in eager anticipation for the answer in this thrilling episode of Free Legal Advice.

Uh-oh, there was an accident at the podcast factory! We ended up making an episode ENTIRELY out of cold opens! If you like the random nonsense of cold opens, then this is great news for you. If you like the slightly more focused nonsense of our normal topics, then just pretend that this is great news for you. Either way, great news!

We are shaking up the sports landscape, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time EVER, a new sports league is being founded. We may call it the Xtreme Football League - Congress of Industrial Organizations, or we may call it something else. We haven't settled on that yet. But that doesn't matter. Sports are a cash cow, and we're getting ready to milk that sucker twice a day.

Once again, we've decided to dish out some advice. It turns out the IRS thinks that your podcast about dispensing free legal advice must be some kind of money laundering scheme if you don't ever spend any time actually dispensing advice. So to get Johnny Law off of our backs, we've once again scoured the internet for advice requests that we can satisfy.

Are you thinking of opening a restaurant? Statistically, yes, you probably are. Today, we're here to help you out with all the tips and tricks you'll need to make sure your restaurant lasts at least a year before inevitably closing down due to your lack of basic business sense.

There are people, nay, elemental forces, that pass through our lives like a comet, burning brightly for only a brief moment, then flickering away into the infinite. I should be more specific: There are four, and only four, such things, and today we'll be examining where they are now.

Those poor movie executives. How is their industry supposed to survive when movie theaters are dying? I mean, there are almost no reported facts about the revenue of specific movies on streaming services, so I think we can safely assume that they make $0. This is a disaster! Won't someone PLEASE think of these untalented, meddling art-destroyers? If no one else will, we here at FLAP will take up t...

Happy August 1st, everyone! It's New Month's Day, so we're cashing in on all the people making their new month's resolutions to get in shape. Contained within this episode are absolutely ironclad, bulletproof instructions for how to get your shabby ass into American Ninja Warrior shape. Or, failing that, Portuguese Ninja Warrior shape.

It was too huge, too gargantuan, too blimp-ic in proportion to fit into one episode, so here is part 2 of whatever the D&D-ish stuff we were doing last time was.

We all know everything there is to know about recorded music, obviously. No one needs to hear about that. But did you know that music can also be enjoyed live? I did not. This was all new to me.

It's time once again to invest in silly pitches. The warranty on my Ronco Pitchomatic is voided if I don't use it at least once a year, so I had to do it. It's now oiled up, disassembled, and safely back in its case, so you probably won't have to deal with this for another year.

It's time once again that we spend an episode delivering advice to our listeners. We've done this once before, and we did it so well that it tided us over for nearly 200 episodes. Now THAT'S some goddamned advice right there. Do we knock it out of the park again? Wait to see if it takes us 200 more episodes to do this again to find out.

This week we're playing a game of M&M, also known as Mammoths & Mausoleums. It may RESEMBLE a game known as D&D, but any resemblance is purely coincidental.

Give money to me, and you'll be saving the children. Or hurting the children. Whatever you want to happen to children, that's what'll happen, just give me the money, please.