Cheryl’s Bitches

Jughead and the serpents try to stop his kingpin mom’s drug dealing gang. Betty and Cheryl try to stop the Farm. Veronica tries to stop her parents from getting divorced. They all fail.

Yes, it’s the Heathers episode! The main topics of discussion are the dramatic whooshing sound effects, a college paper about the intertextuality that Allison wrote, and the iconic outfits, dance numbers, and line changes.

FP is turning 50, Archie is trying to end people wanting to kill him once and for all, and Reggie wants to matter Ronni.

Allison and Evan attempt to comprehend incomprehensible plotlines about genius 7-year old murders (who are secretly the younger brother of your juvie siutationship), underground casinos, and “deputizing the serpents”.

Archie wants to box professionally, Alice wants to be baptized into the farm, Gladys wants the gargoyles to join the serpents, and Veronica wants daddy to get out of crime (as always).

In maybe my favorite pod so far, we discuss the “gay antics” episode “Bizarrodale”. Cheryl outs someone through blind items, Kevin can’t keep blaming Brokeback Riverdale with someone who’s in the closet, and we assess the long term impacts of conversion therapy.

Archie is in his flop era, Veronica tries to keep the mob enterprise going while Hiram is down, and we finally get to see Penelope’s brothel.

Archie is back home, the kids are stressed about taking the SATs, and Betty just wants to go to college.

Jughead tries to rein in the serpents, Betty tries to get the nuns to testify against Hiram, and Archie is attacked by a friggin’ bear.

Jughead and Archie make it to Toledo, Betty and Ethel try to break out of the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and Veronica and Cheryl waterboard Penelope in maple syrup.

Veronica goes all in on her speakeasy, Archie and Jughead are on the run from the law, and we get a look inside Betty’s twisted mind.

Archie is on the run from the law, Betty does some not-so-great detective work, and Jughead is fully spiraling.

The gang tries to break Archie out of juvie, while Jughead spirals into madness. Side rants include the turmoil of twinks on Julian Fellowes’ shows and NXIVM.

We flashback to the ~late 80s/early 90s~ to see the origin of Gryphons & Gargoyles.

Archie is forced into a juvie fight club, Ethel (and Jughead?) attempt suicide, and Veronica’s (non-alcoholic) speakeasy opens!

In this chaotic episode, we are introduced to Evelyn Evernever, Dr. Curdle Jr., the Gargoyle king, and Monica Posh. It’s also the Epic High and Lows of High School Football episode.

Allison and Evan discuss the season 3 premiere: highlights include Kevin’s lack of self-esteem, a debate about Archie Andrews’ Catholicism, and the introduction of Griffins and Gargoyles™️ and the Farm™️.

For season 2’s bonus episode, Allison and Evan play fuck, marry, kill and ship or dip with riverdale characters, read some frankly traumatizing imagines, question the internet’s thirst for Sweet Pea and discuss Charles Melton’s recent accolades.

The season 2 finale! Jughead fights to keep the serpents alive, Archie is a dumbass, and we see the seeds of the cult antics to come.

All of Riverdale is in pure chaos, someone tries to murder Veronica, someone else tries to murder Archie, someone else tries to murder Betty and Jughead (almost) gets murdered.

The Black Hood is back, Fangs goes to jail, Archie loses control over the Dark Circle and finally chooses his dad over his daddy.

In this episode, Allison and Evan discuss why the river vixens have funeral uniforms, if Archie is worth a million dollar ransom, is Sheriff Keller actually a good sheriff and who is Chic really?

It’s the Carrie musical episode! Ethel is jealous, the Black Hood is back(!) and Allison and Evan do far too much singing.

Toni tries to break Cheryl out of conversion therapy, Archie betrays his dad for his daddy, and Alice puts her snake skin back on.

JH runs an actually successful protest, Cheryl gets sent to conversion therapy, and Andy Cohen is there.