A Thousand Tiny Steps

The internet is a beautiful tool that has helped me find the answers to any questions I have, but it has also dampened executive functioning in kids. Not only is the internet a double-edged sword, but the tools parents use today are too. From the intense video monitoring to the technologically advanced bassinet things have changed for better or for worse. As I navigate all these changes, I think a...

As I've grown older as a parent, I've also gained so much perspective on life. There are so many differences between raising Jack versus Gracie and Molly from childcare arrangements, breastfeeding, and the relationships around me changing. In this episode, I delve into how this perspective has helped shape my parenting journey with Jack.    Key Takeaways:  [2:46] Life is not linear  [5:01] Gaining...

My daily life with Jack is very different than with Gracie and Molly. When Gracie and Molly were young we were paying a mortgage and working full-time. Now I have more freedom to spend time with Jack and travel. In this episode, I dive into my day to day with Jack and how that has changed.   Key Takeaways:  [4:46] Not worrying so much as I did with Gracie and Molly  [6:46] Being older and planning...

Molly's birthday will always be a tough time for me and although I can remember the good times, it doesn't take away the bad. This episode made me ponder Jack growing up in a grief stricken home, the age difference between his siblings, and how things have changed. In this episode, I truly think about Jack's future and the differences in raising him compared to my other children.    Key Takeaways:...

As I look to the next chapter of my healing, I am working on confronting my trauma and coping from it. Being self aware and mindful of my relationships with others has been a struggle, but learning how to utilize gratitude and create room for trauma has allowed me to work on healing.    Key Takeaways:  [3:27] Looking at my life right now and how I'm healing [6:58] Having the same experience, but d...

When I read that grief has been classified as Prolonged Grief Disorder, I had mixed feelings. I'm happy to see that more people can have access to treatment, but why does everything need a label? Grief will forever be a part of my life, it's not a linear timeline, and what is "normal" grief anyway? In this episode, I'll ponder if grief should be a disorder in the first place, or if doctors have it...

Trauma has impacted my relationships with others throughout my entire life. From getting fired from multiple jobs to creating relationships with abusive people it has shook me to my core. After Molly's death, it became even more difficult with the expectations of those around me. Through it all, I think about how I changed after losing Molly and how I keep getting stuck in unhealthy relationships....

I often feel like I'm living a parallel life with the different faces I put on for different people. This week I especially felt that when I went to film a commercial for a hospital. I spent an amazing week in Utah telling my story about having Jack to a hospital that believed in me. Through it all, I talk about feeling like a chameleon in different groups.    Key Takeaways:  [1:04] Living a doubl...

The burden of hiding my grief to not make others uncomfortable is large. It is lonely in my grief with everyone wanting the "old Barb" back, but that won't happen. My grief has changed me and that causes people to drift away. In this episode, I explore the social aspects of grief and the toll it's taken on me.    Key Takeaways:  [2:17] Isolation in grief and carrying the burden  [3:20] Message fro...

I really made a breakthrough with understanding my self sabotaging behavior and healing the trauma versus the situation. In this episode, I dive into why I sabotage myself when organizing my life, how culture affects how trauma is seen, and the difference between happy and traumatic memories.    Key Takeaways:  [0:55] Struggling with scheduling my life  [3:27] Reacting trauma  [5:41] Seeing coinci...

Hindsight is a funny thing. Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy, my daughter's health leading up to her death, and all the other choices made leave me in a tailspin. In this episode, I look into the trauma I've experienced and how I reenacted it with the choices I made.   Key Takeaways:  [1:12] Trauma never goes away and retracing my steps  [3:43] Looking back on Facebook memories with Roy ...

I never expected to start running track and field in high school with severe asthma. When I began running, I discovered I was great at it and went on to break records. Through the ups and downs, running helped me to solidify my identity, feel confident within myself, and set goals. In this episode, I tell the story of breaking the mile in under 5 minutes which took me on a lifelong trajectory of a...

CrossFit has helped me physically and mentally through my job loss and Molly's death. Times were tough: being on food stamps, my house almost being put up for auction, and getting divorced all rolled into one. Through it all I had exercise which allowed me to step out of my body and keep busy.    Key Takeaways:  [2:13] Traumatic events send me spiraling  [8:06] Running for school board  [11:35] Wo...

My job loss took a major hit to my confidence and it caused me to struggle to support my family through tough times. I struggled to stay present and practice mindfulness during these difficult times. In this episode, I explore what brought me to my job loss and my struggles with staying present within myself.    Key Takeaways:  [1:58] Neurological connection between mother and child  [5:19] Becomi...

I have been reading so many wonderful books to learn more abuse, relationships, and illness within the body. These books have allowed me to examine my own actions and shame that comes with being abused. In this episode, I explore my actions that lead to this point, give an update on my life, and look at what's ahead for this season.    Key Takeaways:  [3:00] What's next for season 3 [8:32] The boo...

Throughout my research on grief and trauma I have learned so much about the connection between the mind and body and how grief affects them, while discussing my own experiences of EMDR therapy and having my brain tumors taken out. In this episode, I explore how grief affected me before and after Molly died.   Key Takeaways:  [3:22] A review of the episodes of season 2  [9:09] How grief affected my...

Although I have gone through tremendous grief, I have a large support system to help me through it. From online support groups to connecting with other mothers in grief and reconnecting with high school friends, my social network has cast far and wide. Sharing these deep conversations with others has helped me create meaningful connections and process my grief.    Key Takeaways:  [2:01] The guilt...

As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.   Key Takeaways:  [1:15] My...

My daughters have been dancing in the Christmas Show even since they were little. When Molly died traditions in my household changed and I began to see things differently. From starting to raffle off a basket full of things Molly loved, to fundraising for an arts scholarship in her name. In this episode, I explore the Christmas Show and everything it represents, alongside my trauma and learning to...

Hanging on to the physical things our loved ones leave behind in grief is an odd subject. For a long time I couldn't get rid of, or move anything of Molly's. When I finally started to get rid of or donate items, it was a difficult journey. In this episode, I explore the power of items, the impact they have on us as people, and learning to let go.   Key Takeaways:  [3:41] The importance of things ...

Molly loved the holidays, and learning to live without her for them has been crushing. Over the past 5 years I've tried to distract myself and my family by going to Disney for Christmas, or helping others. The feeling of losing holidays as they used to be, while finding new ways to celebrate has been a tumultuous journey. Throughout it all, I've learned how important it is to just sit with others...

In 2016, I felt paralyzed by grief. In between it all I found an attorney, helped my daughter through her grief, and talked to others in my grief groups. When 2017 rolled around, I started working again while juggling a million things on my plate. It was a difficult time, but the one thing I learned is that when people are grieving, just being a shoulder to lean on is one of the best things you ca...

Planning Molly's funeral and memorial was a difficult task while I kept my head above water. It was a whirlwind of 2 quick weeks where I made tough emotional decisions on what her funeral and musical would be like. Through it all, I had amazing community support through fundraising and over a thousand people showing up to her memorial.    Key Takeaways:  [4:39] Coming home from the hospital and co...

In this episode, I look back on the few months leading up to Molly's death and in particular, her last week alive. The few months leading up to Molly's death were frustrating, and I worried as her condition worsened. Come along with me as I look back on all the little steps that brought me here, and the amazing community support I had along the way.    Key Takeaways:  [2:50] Molly's first doctor a...

My daughters Gracie and Molly have an inseparable bond. As they've grown up throughout the years, they've had great times with dance and theatre, as well as struggles with friends and school. At the same time, I had my own struggles with my marriage and job loss. In this episode, I look back on my daughters growing up, and the crushing tragedy that was Molly's last week.   Key Takeaways:  [3:11] G...