A Thousand Tiny Steps

This is the last episode - for now maybe and I can't believe I made it to 5 years. In my first episode I was uncomfortable in front of the camera and now I can't imagine my life without it. I did so much from writing a book to being in a TV commercial. As I look forward, I have to clean my house, Gracie goes back to France, Jack starts school, and I figure out what's next.  Key Takeaways:    [0:00...

As I look back on my last 10 years, I realize there is always a major event that happens in my life every decade. And as I look forward 5 years, I realize Molly will have been dead longer than she will have been alive and there's a lot of feelings that come with that. In this episode, I chat about some of the things I'll be doing in the absence of recording this podcast and how I'm trying to stack...

No lesson today, just a venting session about what really matters in life, what I'm not getting out of it, what I'm frustrated by, what I've loved, and what I'm doing to change. I don't know where I'm going, but I do know I want to do it with intention.  Key Takeaways:    [0:00] I'm frustrated with myself: following through and money management  [3:32] Health is my only real wealth  [4:44] Is work...

At this point, I'm just anticipating whatever traumatic event will happen to me next because some sort of disaster seems to follow me every decade. Sexual abuse, drinking, my life dating life, getting married and divorced twice, losing my career, doomed friendships, brain tumors, and losing kids. Key Takeaways:    [0:00] The best part of podcasting has been the people I've met  [2:05] Trauma at ev...

Coach Luti changed my life from the second I said, "I'm gonna be a star!" He saw me as a teenager to an adult and no matter what I went through in life, he always treated me the same. I've directed the race in his name for 30 years. Before I started doing it my life was very standard, but after I started? Not much. It's shown me the full circle of life.  Key Takeaways:    [0:00] First day of my th...

After Molly died, I absolutely believed in heaven. If I didn't then it would mean Molly ended up nowhere and I can't cope with that possibility. It's also because I have seen so many amazing mediums who gave me such accurate details I know it couldn't possibly be fake. Knowing what I know now, I have a different perspective on dying, from beauty and joy in tragedy, and what unconditional love look...

I've been thinking about justice - and how Molly will never get it. I settled the lawsuit and took money and I wonder if that's a mistake. If I hadn't taken it I could tell so many stories about people's characters and that's its own kind of justice. It's a balancing act: I now have money to help others, but I can never reveal the full truth.  Key Takeaways:    [0:00] What is justice and does it e...

As I contemplate my life, I realize some aspects haven't really changed at all. That as much as I embrace things like using my phone to schedule things or text, I still cling on to the nostalgia from my childhood. Writing letters, having homemade food, and bopping along to the Styx and ABBA. In this episode, I look at how my childhood changed rapidly as I'm sandwiched between Boomers and Gen X-ers...

My friend is having to relearn how to walk and it's frustrating to him, but he's making little bits of progress every day and he should celebrate that. You should too. So often we only celebrate the big wins, the things that we deem worthy of celebrating. But in reality, everything is worth celebrating because you are inherently worthy as a human being that exists.  Key Takeaways:    [0:51] June i...

I broke 5 minutes in the mile - and it's not how I remember it. Memory is such a crazy thing that changes over time. We amplify some parts of our memory and dull others to fit the image we want to see. That's what I did, but I have it on video to compare to my memory and it's wild to see. Video is linked here and it's helpful to watch to follow along with this episode! Key Takeaways:    [0:00] You...

I feel like everywhere I look now I see instances of secret keeping, of being told to be quiet, of lying for others. So when I listened to a podcast episode where a woman's entire life she was told to keep a secret inside of her? That hit my soul. Which is also why I was so delighted when Jennifer chatted with me and got into how it impacts a person when they're constantly told to be quiet.  Key T...

Running was a part of my life for years and then… it was gone. I've had to rebuild my life piece by piece and in the process I've realized I need to get back into running. It's the sport that taught me to love my body and more importantly gave me a community that understood the struggles and triumphs of running.    Key Takeaways:    [3:11] Running allowed me to love my body  [5:11] The sexual abus...

I'm quiet. I freeze. I don't say no. My consent is violated again and again by numerous people in different situations that still follow me today. I did a deep dive on the types of consent, what it actually means, and why the meaning of it gets tricky for people. In this episode, I explore the different types of consent and how those have gone wrong in my life.    Key Takeaways:    [0:00] Saying t...

The shouting starts, voices overlapping, and I freeze. I stay quiet hoping not to be noticed. Now, I'm having to unlearn that… A thousand tiny steps, right? It's easier to not say anything, to justify the abuse, to defend those that have hurt me, but repeating traumatic situations because it's familiar in my life can't continue forever. This is how I'm taking small steps towards healing.  Key Take...

I went to Molly's grave, but it's not the same anymore. I know that as time passes, others forget, but I never will. So, as I grapple with that, I reflect on the amazing people I got to see, what I'm planning to do next with the podcast, and just sitting in my grief.  Key Takeaways:    [0:00] I don't celebrate Mother's Days anymore  [2:50] The first Molly WOD not to be during death week  [4:54] Vi...

Grab a baguette or an Oreo Coolatta, and find out what Gracie has been up to for 3 months in France as I recount our family's visit to France to see Gracie. From Gracie making a lot of supportive friends from all over the world to Jack eating all the ice cream he possibly can, and talking about the fact that it's been 10 years since Molly died.  Key Takeaways:    [0:37] Gracie has lived in France...

As I've come up on the 10th anniversary of Molly's death I look back on how as much as things change, they also stay the same. I was in Europe 10 years ago at this moment and that's where I am now, but this time I'm trying to figure out where do I belong in life and how do I feel like I still have purpose as I age? Key Takeaways:    [0:14] My memories of 2016 and going to Europe       [2:38] Not g...

Jennifer Speidel, my long time friend and now author, wrote a book called Lady Justice and the Sisterhood of the Crones. A story of a corrupt world where women are silenced and it's up to Mavon and Buluku to get justice, gain wisdom, and rise to their true power.  Key Takeaways:    [0:39] Why I decided to write my first book: womanhood and getting older          [4:20] I started the book by writin...

Gracie has been living in France and is here to tell us all what it's been like! From navigating bonjour correctly to making friends with people from all over the world, and just being in your 20s navigating new experiences and a whole lotta change.  Key Takeaways:    [0:44] I've been working for Disney in France for a 2 months and here's what's different [6:22] The pastries are to die for, but th...

My mom is moving into what has been my office for years, another Molly birthday went by without her here, I'm exhausted from a lack of support, and I'm trying to find myself through it all. So if you also don't know what you're doing? Hi, I'm Barb! Join the club. Key Takeaways:    [0:00] I bought my house 26 years ago  [2:17] We're moving my mom into my old office and it's a lotta work [4:20] Moll...

I've been thinking a lot about aging… and purpose… and what it means to still matter. This is where I'm at right now.   Connect with me: Newsletter Leave a message   Transcript: This is a man with an incredibly high IQ who helped thousands of children in his years as an educator. When I called him up to thank him, he cried, and he said, it's just so nice to feel needed.  My good friend David, it's...

I didn't know what to do. This is a story about the first time I realized something wasn't right… and how long that moment stays with you.   Connect with me: Newsletter Leave a message   Transcript:  It was a sunny summer afternoon in 1979. I was wearing a gold polyester uniform. I was a waitress at Weeks Family Restaurant. It was my first actual real job, and I loved it. Interacting with people,...

As I watched Colin Kaepernick's documentary, I thought about the times in my life I felt rejected, times I felt underestimated by the men in my life, and the times I felt outcast by different groups and like I'm constantly walking a path trying to find the right one.  Key Takeaways:    [2:18] Colin Kaepernick's documentary: rejection is not failure, but calibration  [4:09] Colin being adopted and...

I read the most wonderful piece of writing that is short, but so impactful because in five chapters it made me think through all the crap in my life that hasn't gone well, but also to the future and what I could do with it. As I continue into March, I do so with trepidation - and perhaps, just a little hope.  Key Takeaways:    [1:08] Missing Gracie, keeping time, the CrossFit Open, weight gain, an...