The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught

I was shocked, absolutely shocked. I had discovered another time traveler, but he disappeared before I could say anything to him. I had to figure out where another time traveler would visit, and that's when I realize that any sane person with a time machine would go to Pompeii before it got destroyed, and so I ripped off my bed sheet, made myself a toga and went back to Pompeii to find my new...

After impregnating a cavewoman, I felt the need to add some culture in my life by visiting The Renaissance. While in Rome, I meet three quarters of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci. But meeting the famous artists comes at a terrible, terrible cost...my innocence!

I was sexually frustrated to say the least. I mean, I had been in a sex drought for way too long, and my failure in Athens was the final straw, and that's when I got a brilliant idea. I would go back in time and make love with a cavewoman. So I did. And while there, I also killed a mastodon!

After surviving The Strangling performed by Benjamin Franklin, I decide it'd be best if I went back in time to do something a little more fun. I realize nothing's more fun than going back to Ancient Athens and partaking in an old-timey orgy...the only problem is, how does one find an old-timey orgy in Ancient Athens?

After realizing my time machine watch can take me any time, anywhere, I ask myself the age old question: if I could talk with anyone in history, who would it be? Well, it turns out my answer is Benjamin Franklin, so I make my way to colonial America and wind up accidentally almost killing him.

After Taylor Swift is spotted in New York, I use my new dumpster watch to teleport to NYC. I soon discover that not only can my watch teleport me, but that it's also a time machine!...which doesn't sound shocking in this moment as you read because you already know I found a time machine, but it was super crazy at the time.

After entering the time into my watch and confirming, I suddenly find myself in India! I know, crazy right! Like seriously, just think about how crazy that is...okay, did you think about it? I had no idea how I suddenly wound up in India, but I knew I had to make the best of my situation.

I find a mysterious watch behind a dumpster, and like anybody would do, I clean it with some hand sanitizer and put it on. At the time, I didn't know it was a time machine, I just thought it was a cool dumpster watch.

I'm just a guy who went back in time and wound up kissing Socrates...and doing other cool things.

I'm just a guy who found a time traveling device on the ground behind a dumpster!