Into Ambivalenne

Over a couple of days of walking in stormy weather, visiting the river, and playing at my piano - I record myself riffing on the topic of freedom and exploring what a right relationship to constraints and limits might be. I share a song I wrote about breaking out of “learned helplessness” and also share my reaction to a recent interview with the author of “Determined” - as heard on the podcast of...

I jumped back into my audio journey after taking a nine month break. I was in dire need of a companion today as I faced down my messy basement, and the feelings of shame and overwhelm that predictably show up whenever I am down there. And guess what else showed up? Roses and worms. Not the companions I expected, but I will take them!

In this episode I explore the inexplicable math of 1 big juice life = many small deaths along the way. Scenes from the film My Neighbor Tortoro come up, along with a Mother Mary oracle card, plus more details about that recently unearthed journal I wrote at 17. I am shocked to see my young self speaking in such strong “Christianese” and my adult self has some thoughts on the “I’m a bad human” vs “...

Sitting in the car at my son’s soccer practice I hit record: I talk about coming across a journal I wrote the summer I turned 18, and the feelings that came up when I learned that my mom recently read it before giving it to me. Thoughts around privacy, personal space, and sovereignty come up, and I reflect on the practice of “making claims” and how I was groomed to believe this was a selfish and u...

In this episode I give updates on: my recent gym membership, a music contest, and a mediation training that got cancelled. I also reflect on how Yin dominant Ive become since motherhood, and how I’m simultaneously 1) desiring more Yang in my life 2) appreciating my Yin even if the larger culture isn’t, 3) how my juiciest life moments are when both energies are present and working in tandem, for ex...

Is Spring actually here? Glimmers of new life are suddenly, and oh so subtly, emerging in the barren landscape - both within me and out. A sudden upsurge of energy is rippling across multiple domains of my life at once - and think a song is partially responsible. I sing it at the end.

This short journal entry is a gasp of breath in a season of more sinking than swimming. This a claim. A promise. A blessing.

I begin this episode beseeching the four directions, and the above and below, to lend me their wisdom and energy for the journey ahead. The most amazing synchronicity unfolds and I find myself encountering both a figurative and literal lake of snow - and the lesson leaves an imprint.

Losing my keys - and proverbial mind - on the way out the door this morning, puts me face to face with one of my ugliest complexes. I attempt to investigate this shadowy material, and in the process stumble upon a very healing image of a tide pool and the movement of an anemone within.

Today is my grandma’s birthday! I manage to put together a dazzling fruit plate and a 1920s shoulder corsage (styled after an old photograph of her mother) for a surprise brunch. What is this very special love between us? I am struck by how good it feels to live out my life when Gma is in the audience.

Today was a day of reconstruction. First I dish the tea on my in-laws on the way to a coffee date with my MIL. Is our relationship something we can salvage? Afterwards I head to the river with my dog and find I need to re-build my prayer circle.

I wade into the darkness of a very hard morning, and the next day reflect upon the unicorn tapestry hanging in my entryway. This recent Amazon purchase inspires a deep dive into medieval art history - and I’m left pondering what it might mean to hunt down and contain my life energy.

At the rivers edge I offer up an explanation of my name, there is an unexpected dog encounter/fight while mid podcast, I talk while driving home and then I finish up in my kitchen, reheating coffee and exploring the medicinal wisdom of my favorite movie Black Stallion

Life transitions are hard and lonely. Join me on a walk with my dog as I do my best to introduce myself and my circumstance.