If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me

Welcome to Boca del Infierno, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, for the final time, we come to terms with the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the series finale, “Chosen.” In this episode (broken into two parts), we look into the abyss and it looks back, only brighter: * Plot and Firsts + Trivia (2:30) * No Nookie From Cookie Buffy — Initial Thoughts (17:50) * Breaking t...

Welcome to Brekenkrieg Grimoire, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we act like lame, moronic humans who never quit and keep podcasting as we talk about the penultimate episode of Buffy : “End of Days.” In this episode, we stuff our faces with Jaffa Cakes and try not to talk as it only onl ends the podcast faster: * Angel Update (3:30) * Plot and Firsts and Trivia (6:00) * I...

Welcome to Illuminata, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we reach for Season 7, Episode 20: “Touched.” In this episode, we touch on: * Plot and Firsts (2:30) * Initial Thoughts (9:30) * How Are Buffy and Faith’s Plans Different? (18:30) * Being A Hostage at Fort Buffy (23:15) * Is Buffy As Dangerous As Mayor Wilkins Says? (33:00) * Has Buffy Been Separating Herself from the...

Welcome to Uranium 235, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we hop aboard the USS Buffy Summers on her final voyage for the frustrating “Empty Places.” In this episode, we’re luckier than you to talk about: * Breaking News (3:15) * Plot and Firsts (7:20) * Initial Thoughts (13:30) * A Modest Critique of Buffy’s Options (19:00) — * Pacing of the season + losing our friends (22...

Welcome to Magic for Beginners, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we come to work part-time only to be fired again alongside “Dirty Girls.” In this episode, we sermonize on: * Plot and Firsts (3:00) * Initial Thoughts (14:45) * Running into danger / burden of leadership (18:30) * Did Buffy understand the stakes? / Does Giles? (26:00) * Caleb is a strong boi, or, why is the...

Welcome to Delothrian’s Arrow, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go boring, old, and English with “Lies My Parents Told Me” In this episode, we cover the following in a Slayer/Watcher, Spike/Mother dynamic: * Plot and Firsts — with an Angel update (2:40) * Initial Thoughts (22:30) * Slayers Havin’ Babies (31:20) * The Nikki Power Hour: Does Spike Have a Point? Slayers As...

Welcome to The Big Skedaddle, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, as fugitives haunted by our past, we talk “Storyteller.” In this episode, we place our thoughts in the drawer with the other utensils: Mario Asides (2:00) Plot and Firsts (7:30) Initial Thoughts (17:30) Andrew Temperature Check (22:40) All My Exes Live in Tex… the same house as me (32:20) Is Filming Advisable?...

Welcome to Fisherman’s Nuggets with Cheese, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we begin our semi-annual percolation with “Get It Done.” In this episode, we get nowhere near: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (9:00) The Kennedy Grace Train Has Ended — Potential Trash, Elevate Dawn (12:00) Buffy’s The Speech — Is She Mad or Is This Motivation? (19:15) Willow’s Magical My...

Welcome to Mr. Bits, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we take a huge bite of peaches and brandy and bliss out to “First Date.” In this episode, we love it when you look at us, baby: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (14:00) Chips Ahoy - Spike (18:30) First Date — Xander & Ashanti (30:30) First Date — Buffy & Robin (42:45) Reasonable or Ridiculous? — Keeping incrimina...

Welcome to House of Chicks, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go on a date with a teenager and talk about “The Killer in Me.” In this episode, we wonder what’s the point: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Angel Update (”Salvage”) (13:00) Initial Thoughts (17:00) Amy (29:00) Kennedy and Willow: A “Love” Story (36:40) Reasonable or Ridiculous — Initiative waits for Buffy? Willow goes...

Welcome to A Big Furry Hurry, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we oscillate between nothing special and extraordinary with “Potential.” In this episode, we we didn’t mean “Potential Sailors,” when we talk: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (10:30) Philosopher Drill Sergeant (14:30) Potential (28:00) This Slayer Line Business (37:15) IAmSparkyJones Aside — Two Slayers...

Welcome to Claddagh Ring, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we’re treading water stylistically as we talk “Showtime” In this episode, we offer sexual bribery to: Plot and Firsts (4:00) Initial Thoughts (11:00) Potentials (13:30) Potential Liabilities (20:30) How A Slayer Becomes A Law (24:00) Beyond Thunderdome (28:15) Beljoxa's Eye (35:30) Corporality (45:00) Telling, Not...

Welcome to The Glove of Myhnegon, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we grab shovels to help in the basement at Sunnydale High in “Bring on the Night.” In this episode, we run down the backstreets of Sunnydale screaming: Plot and Firsts (3:00) Farewell to Joyce (13:00) Initial Thoughts (15:00) How do you feel about The First? Can you run out of teenage girls? How compelling...

Welcome to Vampy Cat, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we tie ourselves to a chair and talk about “Never Leave Me.” In this episode, we prime the pump about: Plot and Firsts (2:45) Initial Thoughts (11:30) How Does The Council? (13:30) Why Do They Hate Buffy So Much? (22:00) Talk About Potential Slayers (26:00) William the Bloody — Can We Kill Spike Now? Or Does Buffy Beli...

Welcome to Orbs of Nezzla'Khan, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we dig up 634 Hoffman Terrace to see what secrets we’ve hid in “Sleeper.” In this episode, we break ground for: JAG aside (2:00) Plot and Firsts (5:30) Initial Thoughts (15:00) Spike’s Killing People, How Invested Are You? (18:15) Mann I Hate Playing Vampire Towns (21:00) Should Spike Be Held Responsible For...

Welcome to Cool Monster Footer, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we squeak our way through the horrors of conversations, with dead people. In this episode, we talk a lot about November 12, 2002… Plot and Firsts (2:30) Electric Meat-Jelly’s Initial Thoughts (17:00) Willow meets… Tara? (22:45) Xander meets… Jesse? (29:45) Anya meets… Halfrek? (35:00) Why did the First manife...

Welcome to Chocolate Hurricane, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we put on the proverbial letterman and talk about “Him.” In this episode, we muse about: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (13:20) Does RJ Know the Jacket is Cursed/Blessed?: A Logistical Survey (19:40) “Him?” On Spike (33:00) Is Dawn really good for nothing? (45:00) Reasonable or Ridiculous — Dawn is a...

Welcome to The Dagger of Lex, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we explore grievance, loss, betrayal and if our friends do a good enough job talking to one another. That’s right, it’s time for the hard cut of hard cuts with “Selfless.” In this episode, we examine: Plot and Firsts (2:00) Initial Thoughts (19:00) The Airing of Grievances: Did You Forget? (27:30) “Kick His Ass...

Welcome to Murnenfurm Report, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we don’t rest on our laurels — it’s an episode filled with fate, futility, destiny, failure and death. (And also, Cassie!) Come along for the ride. In this episode, we hit upon: Plot and Firsts (2:40) Initial Thoughts (26:30) Vampire-by-vampire: Why We Fight (32:00) The Futility of Slaying (41:30) Fate & Destin...

Welcome to Bristow’s Demon Index, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we flail about in metaphorical labyrinths looking for “Same Time, Same Place.” In this episode, we talk: Plot and Firsts (1:30) Initial Thoughts (23:00) Quick Game: Willow’s Recent Misdeeds — Reasonable or Ridiculous? (27:30) Buffy’s Guilt (38:30) Being Friends with an Apocalypse (42:00) Forgiveness or Rede...

Welcome to Miss Edith, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we long for forgiveness and love in “Beneath You.” In this episode, we talk Plot and Firsts (1:40) Initial Thoughts (18:00) We Gotta Talk Spike… (23:00) Our Withholding Slayer (32:20) Selective Lucidity? (37:00) Does the Soul Change Anything? (43:45) Final Scene (46:45) Blaming Xander (51:00) Nancy Sucks (57:00) Yelli...

Welcome to Big Freaky Cereal Boxes of Death, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we learn some things about ourselves in Season 7’s premiere, “Lessons.” In this episode, we talk Plot and Firsts and Endurance Facts (2:45) Initial Thoughts — and a treatise on power (24:15) What’s the deal with magic? (31:15) Who the f**k are you? (38:15) The New Scoobies (43:30) Logistical Rou...

Welcome to Lesbian Gay-type Lovers, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we close out Season 6 by trying to resurrect the temple of Proserpexa in your local beer cooler! In this episode, we all, together, in the same room (!), discuss: Plot and Firsts (3:30) Initial Thoughts (19:30) Spike — The Twisted Tale of a Monkey’s Paw that Isn’t (29:30) The Mind — Giles’ Plan (38:30) Th...

Welcome to Less Confusing Waffles, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we accelerate our descent into Willow’s dark heart with “Two to Go.” In this episode, we have a few points: Bill Norton, Plot and Firsts (1:40) Initial Thoughts (18:00) The Plot Demands We Talk About the Plot Demands (23:30) More about Buffy’s “line” — Beyond vengeance (31:30) Buffy’s lame attempt convinci...

Welcome to The Lover’s Wiccas, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we explore grief with Willow in “Villains.” In this episode, we get heated about Plot and Firsts and “Contested Facts” (2:20) Initial Thoughts + talking this episode in the era of prestige TV (21:45) We all agree we wished this was “scarier” & was it intentional? (35:30) Magic as drugs redux (41:00) Morality P...