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The United States of America is the greatest country in the world. Even when weighed against every terrible thing the CIA has ever done, every war crime ever committed, every democratically elected government overthrown, the power of the American Gladiators is too much to overcome. Creating that show wrote this nation a blank check for the next 200 years. Sweet land of liberty...

Everyone knows that the sesquicentennial episode is the traditional "play a made-up game wherein the contestants pick which fictional restaurant ideas to invest in" episode. And we're a traditional podcast, ladies and gentlemen, so that's what we're doing. Call us old-fashioned.

Foreigners are so weird, aren't they? It's like they behave differently from us in small ways. What's up with them? Get it together, Finland! So believe it or not, this also extends to Christmas traditions, and we spend this episode cataloguing/mocking all of them.

Coming up with ideas is hard. But what if you only sort of do that a bunch of times, then sweep up all those little joke particles and mash them together? Does that add up to something listenable? You be the judge.

Lifeguards: They guard your life. Pretty simple. How is that any different than a bodyguard, though? The main difference is that bodyguards don't also eat their weight in Swedish Fish every shift.

Lit majors of the world, heed our call! Give in to your base instincts. Your jowls and snouts are glistening with drool at the sound of the corn trough being slopped with the next batch of movie pitches. Let go. Feed, my corn crunchers, feed!

Think of an animal. Now add antlers and some wings, maybe have it live underwater. Does such a thing exist? It does now, and you're about to make a killing "searching" for it. Don't worry, searching only involves slowly ambling through the woods for an hour or so.

Is piracy romantic? It is now. Do kids dream of scurvy and disfigurement? Who doesn't? Who among us hasn't dreamed of replacing every limb, organ and tissue in our body with a carved wooden peg?

In which pets are discussed. The various kinds. Positive and negative. Running the gul-derned gamut, people. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

It's our civic duty to choose one of the four candidates. Well, not really, because you can just choose again on the next level. Uh, I mean, this is actually a critical choice, making this episode a must-listen for anyone concerned with the fate of some strange turnip-growing monster people.

This episode is like jazz: It's about the topics you DON'T submit. The suggested topic turned out to be kind of a dud, but everything around it is gold.

Join us, as Matt takes us on a journey wherein the details and eventual realities of a wildly insane plan are gradually revealed. Or if you already know what he's talking about, laugh at our shock and amazement when we see where this finally ends up.

Name a saw better than a chainsaw. Miter? No way. Band? Please. Circular? What am I, Amish? The chainsaw is the king of all saws, which makes those who wield them, lumberjacks, kings of all men.

Start your day off with a nutritious, heart-healthy, vitamin-packed bowl of Extruded Oat Residue! Don't worry; it's covered in sugar, and the marshmallows will mask the oat flavor. As long as you're sure to also eat an actual nutritious breakfast, this cereal is part of a nutritious breakfast!

Breaking news: This podcast is turning into a video game development studio. We've created a video game that is sure to smash box office records in theaters across the country. Hm? Sorry, I'm being told that video games don't work that way. Maybe we should have done a little research about that before spending $8,000,000 printing our game on reels of film. Well, don't worry; I'm sure we'll be back...

Tang? Delicious. Moon? Sweet. Floating around and shit? Unassailably cool. PhD.-level mathematical navigational calculations? Decidedly less sweet. Astronauts are sort of a mixed bag.

Who among us can resist the siren song of three easy payments of $19.95? I would buy anything, literally anything, for that price. Seriously, ANYTHING. It does not matter how useful it is, how effective it is, or whether or not I even experience the problem it supposedly solves. I am calling now and getting my money orders ready.

We've watched several things on this podcast, but this is the first Oscar-worthy film we've covered, and certainly there could not be anything MORE Oscar-worthy. It's so Oscar-worthy, in fact, that upon viewing it, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has decided to rescind every award they've ever given, then murder the recipients. Sorry Dame Judi Dench, you're gonna be pushing up dais...

We're updating some old episodes with new and "exciting" info! Crackers are nerfed. Ninjas would be nerfed, but they're un-nerfable.

We've all been unaware of exactly how stupid and dangerous the thing we're doing is. The purpose of adulthood is to look back and marvel at how you accidentally dodged all of the spinning saw blades and 16-ton weights that were dropped directly on you without your knowing.

We'll never forget the heroes of the Chili Department of New York. Those brave men and women took a break from going up and down fire poles all day to distribute chili to the truly needy, and for that we are forever in their debt.

This caused a minor controversy offline, so I'll just put this here to clarify it for the listener: The official spelling is Jimi Van Clapmour. There were several other ways it could have gone, but that is apparently the correct one.

Throughout our many episodes, Cory has referred to many things as being a "long con". Today we'll finally find out what the hell he means by that. And make sure you've got your notebooks handy, because we're going to give you the details about some top-shelf, USDA Choice long cons that we are pulling as we speak.

There has perhaps never been stronger evidence that we need to rethink our "No rejected topic suggestions" policy than this episode.

Once again, we put on our nerd hats and continue the adventures of Shaq, QuestWhore, and Hammer. Sorry, our nerdIER hats. Fine, our WAY nerdier hats. Okay, okay, our way nerdier CAPES.