Breaking the Boy Code

This episode picks up where we left off with the Man Box—this time asking where all these stereotypes actually come from, whether any of them are accurate, and what it would look like if we didn’t have them at all. Lucas and Kashyap reflect on what they genuinely like about themselves that fits inside the box and what they value that falls outside it, from Kashyap’s non-mainstream music taste to L...

This episode started with a very specific backstory: a student symposium in northern Alberta wanted a session on gender stereotypes with boys, and not a single teacher volunteered to facilitate it. So we recorded one instead—an accessible version of the Man Box activity that any educator listening could see themselves leading. Lucas and Kashyap take on the brainstorm as a competition, rattling off...

Season five of Breaking the Boy Code introduces two youth co-hosts—Lucas, in grade nine, and Kashyap, in grade eight—who join me as permanent co-hosts to explore masculinity, relationships, and what it means to grow up as a boy today through their own lived experiences. In this introduction episode, we get to know each other using Next Gen Men’s Cards for Masculinity discussion prompts. From grati...

“We carry guilt and regret on the calm blue waters. We carry the carnage of our home. We carry the dreams of our ancestors on our young backs.” — 14-year-old Yoel I heard back in one of our first recording sessions that the boys who participated in season four of Breaking the Boy Code had written spoken word poems as part of a school assignment—poems where they reflected on their identities and ex...

You have to imagine us in the school library one last time—wearing masks and sitting six feet apart, having persevered through multiple delays from school closures and the unpredictability of the pandemic—the boys giving their hearts and speaking their truth, joking with each other, learning from each other, and volunteering to imprint part of their adolescence online in a podcast. As we wrap up s...

Before this session, my friend and past colleague Adrian and I played around with the Skills Assessment tool developed by The Umbrella Project—ultimately adding two categories called ‘resistance’ and ‘culture’ to discuss with our group of seventh- and eighth-grade boys of colour. In this episode, we unpack some of the complexities boys face in cultural communities and staying authentic. Siddig str...

This week on Breaking the Boy Code, we continue our discussion on the power of representation in the media and on screen. Betsa, Siddig, Aksayan and Yoel explore the impact of seeing themselves in characters like Miles Morales, Naruto, and Will Smith's iconic Fresh Prince. From the startlingly low percentage of BIPOC characters in children’s books to the increase in lead roles of color in films, i...

Whether it’s TikTok or Fortnite or the MCU, you can’t talk with preteen boys without talking about media. This week with Betsa, Siddig, Aksayan and Yoel, we discuss the damaging stereotypes in media, the need for more authentic stories, and the powerful impact of seeing oneself reflected on screen and in the media. The boys share firsthand accounts of how these representations affect their lives a...

With that in mind, we discuss the dynamics of trust within family and friendships, the impact of racial stereotypes, and the emotional masks boys wear to navigate societal expectations. Through exercises and reflections, we unpack what it means to choose what to show the world and what to keep hidden. From Betsa’s struggle with being misjudged at school to Siddiq’s battle with exclusion and stereo...

This week on Breaking the Boy Code, we explore the intersection of boyhood and race. Seventh- and eighth-graders, Yoel, Betsa, Aksayan, Kamari and Siddig, share heartfelt stories of navigating cultural identity, racial stereotypes, and societal expectations for boys. We candidly discuss tough topics, including being watched and judged, while also celebrating the rich heritage and customs that shap...

Season four of Breaking the Boy Code is a collaborative project with a group of five students at a nearby middle school. Together with my friend and past colleague Adrian, we engage the boys—seventh-graders Betsa and Siddig, who identify as Congolese and Sudanese; and eighth-graders Aksayan, Yoel and Kamari, who are Sri Lankan, Eritrean, and Jamaican part Indigenous—in a series of discussions on t...

In the midst of everything that was going on, Louis ended up switching to a new school. That meant leaving behind his friendships, but it also offered an opportunity to set aside who had been in the past and try out a version of himself closer to the kind of young man he wanted to become.  This is friendship, violence, shame and vulnerability—but more than anything else, Louis’ story is a story of...

As his friends got out on probation and their victim started to recover, Louis was left to wrestle with immense and challenging feelings about what was going on. He felt guilty that he had hurt someone who didn’t deserve it. He was afraid of losing a group of friends that had meant a lot to him. He felt helpless to stop them from perpetrating further violence. He wanted to be better but he didn’t...

As Louis spent more time with his new group of friends, he started going along with them as they verbally harassed another classmate, Matthew. He figured it was no big deal, but things started to escalate when Matthew decided to tell their teacher what was going on. Louis’ friend group didn’t like getting snitched on, so they got into a fight with Matthew after school. Matthew told on them again....

Louis’ first day at the new school was a grey day in December. He had to get forced out of the car, he got lost in the big, old and crowded building; and he hated the too-cheery holiday decorations. After a couple of days, he started bringing a paperback with him and pretended to read it at lunch in order to avoid the awkwardness of the unfamiliar place and new group of peers. But during gym class...

I first met 11-year-old Louis because he was bullying another boy. Badly. To an extent that included going to the hospital and going to juvenile detention. Over the span of 2021, Louis embarked on one of the bravest journeys I’ve seen a kid his age undertake. He built his empathy for the other boy, he faced his guilt for the hurt he had caused, he switched friend groups and committed to standing u...

One of my earliest memories with Joseph is hanging out with him at a park when he was around 10 years old. He spent most of his time climbing trees with his friends. Since then, climbing has become a steady passion for him—it’s his primary sport, his job, one of his favourite things to do and one of his biggest aspirations in life. We’ve spent countless hours underneath bouldering walls and pull-u...

I’ve known Jack for several years. We’ve been in touch throughout the pandemic, from the initial school closures and cancellation of his summer camp to the uncertainty of a new school year and ongoing boredom of life without the social closeness and sports teams that he expected to experience in high school. Jack’s story of two-hour online classes and tentative new friends, frustration with masks...

I often talk about suicide like it’s a statistic—the fact that it was the leading cause of death for teenage boys in Canada in 2018, for example; that rates of suicide attempts among trans youth are as high as 78%; that 70% of mental heatlh problems begin in childhood or adolescence.   Suicide is more than numbers. It’s a difficult and ongoing thing that I face in my conversations with young peopl...

Several months ago, Evan invited me to see his middle school musical. The night of the show, I rode my bike across town and found a seat next to his dad, who was watching for the second time. The audience filled up, and the lights went down. It ended up being a remarkably good show, but one of the most memorable moments for me took place right away in the opening number. Evan was unmistakeable in...

Logan moved to Florida at the end of the summer. I’ll never know entirely what he left behind in California. I know that he had half a dozen friends on his street and the next, that on early mornings he would go to one of their houses for breakfast before bicycling together to school. I know that his grade at school held a lot of trust between themselves and cried at their graduation ceremony. I k...

January 29, 2017 saw the worst mass murder in a house of worship in Canadian history: the Québec City mosque shooting in which six Muslim worshippers were killed and 19 injured. Rehan was ten. “I remember when it happened,” he said on the podcast. “That night, I actually started crying because I was like, ‘What if that ever happened to me?’” Islamophobia is on the rise in Canada. It’s perhaps most...

Breaking the Boy Code began in March 2018, or the summer of 2017, or April 2014 depending on your parameters. But some part of it has its roots in an underweight boy with too many bracelets and long blonde hair—because if you had asked me when I was young what I thought about gender stereotypes and rules about masculinity, I would have had a lot to say. I learned at a young age that some things ar...

With the debate about gay rights in the national media last year, homophobia became the mainstay of school hallways in Mumbai. Ash faced this every day with the unplaceable ache of being a closeted gay Hindu boy. “Even though they’re not talking to me,” he said on the podcast, “I feel what they say.” So each day he sidestepped one-sided debates that drove homophobic language through his skin, and...

Chad’s first experience with hazing was on his first night back at summer camp. Older boys grabbed him and his friends and told them to strip to their underwear. He tried to refuse but had to fight his way out of their grip, then left the cabin to the sound of the senior campers yelling, “Don’t be like him!” Chad told a counsellor what had happened, but it wasn’t easy. “You don’t want to be a snit...