Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Final Fantasy XIII Part Seven: HECKACHUNKER! Square Roots - Episode 534 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:45 Quest Log: 0:22:11 Level Up: 1:40:14 This week on Square Roots we barrel through a giant, double stuffed chunker full of all the side quests in the game. Because Chapter 11 has all of them. Also! There's a tower at the end, but is it the first real dungeon of the game? A One Hit Pizza Candy Hog Is Ba...

Final Fantasy XIII Part Six: Chapter 11 Mailbag Episode! Square Roots - Episode 533 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Mail Bag: 0:27:00 Smoosh Mouth: 1:20:25 Level Up: 1:31:45 This week on Square Roots we don't actually do a quest log because there's not that much to talk about with Chapter 11 of Final Fantasy XIII, it's just super long, so we're giving Johnny specifically time to work his way through al...

Final Fantasy XIII Part Five: Jihl Nabaat Is A Nerd Square Roots - Episode 532 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:10 Quest Log: 0:21:20 Level Up: 1:24:25 This time on Final Fantasy XIII, blood comes out of Matt's eyes as he tries to be nice about the game. But we all love Barthandalous! "Eat my shorts," he says. Also: • Derek Waters is Bilbo Baggins Coded • Game Pass Ads • Pop It Back In, It's Fine • Matt Sa...

Final Fantasy XIII Part Four: Are They Space Friends Or Are They Lesbians? Square Roots - Episode 531 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:10 Quest Log: 0:26:21 Level Up: 1:55:42 This time on Final Fantasy XIII: secrets are revealed! Anger is confronted! Australians are outed! Also: • He is the Best at What He Does, and What He Does is QuickTime Events • People Can Be Bisexual, Matt • Nobody Thinks Of Him As F...

Final Fantasy XIII Part Three: A Bottomless Reservoir of Chrys Points Square Roots - Episode 530 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:05 Quest Log: 0:22:20 Level Up: 1:19:00 Okay, we start off with a bit of a blunder, but we can all recover from it! Even Vanessa! Yes, THIS is the episode where Lightning has the Worst Birthday Ever, because she makes her sister becoming a l'Cie ALL ABOUT HERSELF. Also she gives...

Final Fantasy XIII Part Two: A Motorcycle Made Of Lesbians Square Roots - Episode 529 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:30 Quest Log: 0:26:10    Level Up: 2:08:10 Wait, you can use libra twice? WHAT? WHY? HOW?! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME, unless it was in a datalog or a tutorial window I skipped or the manual. Anyway this time on Square Enix's epic Final Fantasy XIII, we mostly walk a lot. Also: • Lesbian Cops...

Final Fantasy XIII Part One: The Sacrificial MILF, Nora Square Roots - Episode 528 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:35  Quest Log: 0:29:35    Level Up: 2:20:00 Finally, it's time to face our destiny as L'Cie. Or a PULSE L'Cie. Or a Fal'cie. Or a Cie'th. In Final Fantasy XIII by Square Enix! Also: • This game has voice acting. • Big Cloud Energy • That's Where She Keeps Her Potions • Beta Cuck Behemoth • Ha...

Dispatch Part 4: So It's Just the End of Wild Wild West? - Episode 527 We finished Dispatch! Wow. What a game. What else is there to say? Lots, apparently.  This Week: Finish Episode 8 of Dispatch! Next Week: Finish Chapter 2 of FFXIII! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profile/stevenmorrismusic.b...

Dispatch Part 3: Kingdom Hearts 4: A Puzzle of the Flesh Square Roots - Episode 526 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:40 Quest Log: 0:30:15 Level Up: 1:56:41 We are terrified with our encounters with the ultimate villain of Dispatch: SLADE!  Also: • Ten Minutes on Yeast Infections • Another Ten Minutes on Pizza Bagels and Rolls • Kevin Costner Is Just Boring Patrick Swayze • Matt Forgot His Belt • Vanessa W...

Dispatch Part 2: His Name Is Mister Whisky And No One Knows If He's A Guy In A Suit Square Roots - Episode 525 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:25 Quest Log: 0:24:00 Level Up: 2:01:15 OBSESSION (2026) SPOILERS AT 02:17:00 THROUGH 02:26:00 We become an old person podcast! We don't approve of this Yung Gravy, even if his delivery as Golem is quite good. That's right, we're adding so many more Dispatch episod...

Dispatch Part 1: First Of All, Yes. Of Course.  Square Roots - Episode 524 We play Dispatch! It's fun. We only covered eps 1 and 2 of the game this week. Sorry for lying!  This Week: Episodes 1 and 2 of Dispatch  Next Week: Episodes 3, 4, and 5 of Dispatch  Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome theme! You can find him at: https://bsky.app/profil...

Legend of Dragoon Part 9: Lip Or Mustache Square Roots - Episode 523 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:51 Quest Log: 0:36:45 Level Up: 2:29:35 A Fleshy Body of a God gets squirted onto Planet Endiness, everyone gets to deal with unresolved moments from the past, and Dart finally gets to talk to his Dad in this extra special extra long finale for the Legend of Dragoon series! We did it! We finished the game!...

Legend of Dragoon Part 8: The Winglies' Plan A Is Kill A Baby Every 108 Years Square Roots - Episode 522 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:06:20 Quest Log: 0:25:15 Level Up: 1:34:00 We get to the best part of the game: uncovering and exploiting the Winglies' legal process! That's right, you learn how to propose amendments to bills, where to create a law, and then propagation of the law! One slow step at a time...

Legend of Dragoon Part 7: Daddy's Home Square Roots - Episode 521 Hot Gaming Gossip: There isn't any  Quest Log: 0:10:24 Level Up: 1:37:36 We learn a lot of secrets on this weeks episode! What's Lloyds whole deal? Who is Emperor Diaz anyway? And what's up with Rose? Listen and find out!  Also: • Mega Mega: Explaining Captain N to Jim   • Make Endiness Great Again oh wait Johnny says no  • We didn'...

Legend of Dragoon Part 6: If You'd Like to Learn More About Soa and the Great Tree, Visit Your Local Library Square Roots - Episode 520 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:20 Quest Log: 0:25:15 Level Up: 1:55:30 On this exposition-heavy episode of Square Roots, we dive into the library of Deningrad and meet a real cool dragon! Also: • The Definition of Dead Is You Flop on the Floor • These People Definitely H...

Legend of Dragoon Part 5: Rose's Vaginal Vortex Square Roots - Episode 519 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:07:45 Quest Log: 0:28:50 Level Up: 1:45:00 On this heavy flowing chunker of Sony's Legend of Dragoon, we learn so much about Rose from her Level 3 attack. Every element of it was a surprise. The menstrual blood. The legs spread. How she's like a Vaginal Kirby. Put down a towel, it's a lot.  Also: • Too...

Legend of Dragoon Part 4: Bring A Knife Square Roots - Episode 518 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:06:40 Quest Log: 0:27:30 Level Up: 2:12:00 On this episode, I wrote a special birthday song for Jim! Should I have sang something in my range? Probably! Meanwhile, Kaffi is the breakout star of Sony's classic JRPG Legend of Dragoon because she loves stars and hot goss. Also: • Fantasy Villain Lloyd • Executive...

Legend of Dragoon Part 3: The Gayest Death Scene of All Time! Square Roots - Episode 517 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:05:37 Quest Log: 0:25:00 Level Up: 1:42:04 It's okay for me to write that, as a gay man. There's so much pathos and hand holding and it's all very dramatic. And this is just a chunker of Sony's Legend of Dragoon, a cult classic PlayStation 1 JRPG!  Also: • We Brainstorm Kingdom Hearts 4 •...

Legend of Dragoon Part 2: Shana, You Should Stay Here Square Roots - Episode 516 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:45 Quest Log: 0:42:00 Level Up: 1:54:15 There's an Extra Packed Hot Gaming Gossip this week because every game company has announced everything! Every game you've ever wanted! But in Legend of Dragoon we get another party member, Rose! And we meet a ghost! Also: • Vanessa Explains Her Floor Ban...

Legend of Dragoon Part 1: LAVITZ SLAMBERT! Square Roots - Episode 515 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:02:45 Quest Log: 0:28:50 Level Up: 2:05:00 MATT'S BANISHMENT ENDS! Jim stands the entire time! And we start Sony's Definitely Not Inspired By Final Fantasy VII Legend of Dragoon! It's nice to be back in the comfy cozy PlayStation generation with a real old JRPG we never actually played back in the day. That'...

Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 6: Ghost Court Square Roots - Episode 514 Hot Gaming Gossip: NOT THIS WEEK! Quest Log: 0:16:34 Level Up: 1:29:30 Sorry for the delay. This episode of Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden is cursed. Everything has gone wrong. But I think you won't be cursed if you listen. Probably. Matt has haunted the podcast. Also: • Matt May Cry • Gay Bear Podcasters Who I Feel Paraso...

Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 5: I Saw Some Locking, But Not A Lot of Popping Square Roots - Episode 513 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:15 Quest Log: 0:32:58 Level Up: 1:40:50 This time on Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden, we pause before the final confrontation to solve some folks's spooky problems. Also: Also: • I Never Saw Gold Kill A Werewolf • Xcellent Branding of Xbox • Join the Saturn Tier • Gir...

Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 4: The Hurricane's Made of Problems Square Roots - Episode 512 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:09:05 Quest Log: 0:41:10 Level Up: 1:51:50 Even with Matt gone, we somehow went two and a half hours this chunker. Mostly so Vanessa can tell us about her feelings on Alan Wake II. But we're also talking a lot about Banishers! There's some spooky ghost stories, a mine stuffed with...

Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 3: Bubsy Says Kid Power! Square Roots - Episode 511 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:03:05 Quest Log: 0:26:32 Level Up: 1:20:25 I promise I only make an Umjammer Lammy joke one time in this episode, and I think that's called restraint. But in this chunker of Dontnod's Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden we meet the amazingly named flopper haired boy Lamentation Haskell, and yes, h...

Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden Part 2: Red Is A Great Marksman Square Roots - Episode 510 Hot Gaming Gossip: 0:04:46 Quest Log: 0:21:40 Level Up: 1:42:20 We're continuing to bust some ghosts, but also power up some ghosts, in this chunker of Banishers: Ghosts of New Eden. We get to meet so many interesting and fun new people, and maybe baby bird out their life juices, or send their ghost bully to h...