Free Legal Advice

We play the "what if" game on the FLAP (Free Legal Advice Podcast) this week. When it's FLAPpin' time, we don't mess around. What if we were the mayor of a small town?

Childhood trained us all to do our current jobs. We just didn't realize it at the time. Who knew all that time you spent stealing your sister's Barbie dolls would prepare you for your career of removing neglected children from unfit households?

The topic this week has nothing to do with presidents, or what their real names might or might not be. It's a premise so poorly thought out that it doesn't even warrant mention here. Don't worry; eventually the podcast takes a bit of a left turn.

In which we confuse Aunt Jemima with Mrs. Butterworth. How the hell do we go from inventing our own alcoholic beverage to that? You'll just have to listen to find out.

Today, we fancifully wonder what it would be like to suffer from a psychological disease so debilitating that it would shatter your entire life and the lives of each and every single person you know and care about. That's right, it's classic Laff-A-Minnit hijiinks from the wacky boys of the Free Legal Advice Podcast!

There are important people. There are useful people. There are valuable people. And then there are sidekicks. Or, at least, so go the old ways of thinking. In this episode we examine things a little more closely, and you might be surprised at what we find (you will only be surprised if you expect us to find that sidekicks are useful).

Experts estimate the global snake oil market to be an $800 billion per year business. But why should it be your friend's aunt or some weird-smelling people in that one shop next to the used clothing store who are getting filthy, filthy rich? We are about to invent the next medical cure-all, and this, yes dear listener, THIS will be the one that finally makes us get rich quick. All of our various o...

He goes by many names: John Punch. James Battle. Joe Struggle. Jake Uppercut. Jeff Roundhouse. But his most common appellation is Jim Fight (or something like that). His claims are many, but his deeds are... let's say, less than many.

Home is where the doomsday device is, I always say. Sure, I should probably replace the siding on my supervolcano shaped like a skull, but it still looks good enough. This episode is about houses, dwellings, domiciles, residences, lairs, and all manner of human habitation.

There's only, like, two or three sports, right? Baseball, basketball, something... ball. I've gotta be missing a couple, right? I swear I saw some people jumping or something on ESPN once. Well, if there are other sports, they can't be very popular. Today, we're stepping up and filling this obvious gap as we give birth to a brand new sport. Mothers, lock up your horses.

Do you remember the 1979 classic Disney film The Black Hole? Of course you don't. It turns out, there's a reason for that. Well, there's actually dozens and dozens of reasons, all of which are being collated by my cleverly-named robot pal, Byte-Upgraded senTienT HOLographic computEr. Boy, those writers at Disney sure earn their keep.

Let's face it: The human body is at best a mixed bag. In this episode, we create a blueprint for the 21st century human body. Not to spoil things too much, but the new human body will have all the speed, agility and sex appeal of Rosie Jetson with an elephant's proboscis.

Scheduling is hard. Sometimes too hard. In those latter cases, it's nice to have some crap you recorded six years ago to fall back on.

Rock music is pretty stale, right? Guitars, drums, maybe a keyboard... we need to spice it up! There are so many other instruments out there whose rocking potential is completely untapped. Enjoy this episode in which four new tools of rock are anointed as the holy relics upon which a renewed foundation of Rock & Roll will be laid. Also, marvel at Matt's strange pronunciation of "Louise-ville".

For movie producers looking for the next big box office blockbuster, look no further. Do you want action? Do you want explosions? Do you want senseless slaughter and wanton destruction? In this episode, we come up with about fifty different fragments of ideas for movies, each and every single one of which is a work of pure, awe-inspiring genius.

There's the right way to do things, there's the wrong way to do things, and then there are... other ways to do things. Do you want to know about them? Sorry, you don't have a choice. When you chose to listen to this podcast, you made a legally-binding agreement to listen to every single episode.

Remember last week when we made fun of ideas we didn't understand? Well, if you expected us to learn our lesson, you need to find another podcast to listen to. (please don't do that, this is all we have)

It's time to take your cash to the next level. Sure, you made your first million selling can coozies to slack-jawed idiots, but how are you gonna turn that cool million into an even cooler BILLION? Let's just say some Chinese farmers are gonna be a factor.

Let's face it: We've conquered the podcasting world. Marc Maron, eat your heart out and then kill yourself. So what's next? In this episode, we examine our highly-detailed business plan to enter and eventually conquer every single other existing medium.

Did you know that every hour, on the hour, seven hundred children will be devoured by hungry wolves? Sound crazy? Think again. The new trend sweeping our nation's schools is called "Luping". After taking ecstasy, kids wander through the woods in search of wolves. These misguided miscreants think the bites they are about to receive will turn them into werewolves, just like in their favorite books,...

What if - follow me on this one, now - what if, video games WERE REAL. Or something. I really don't know.

After 59 episodes and two holiday specials, we figured it's about time we actually gave out some free legal advice. Take out a notebook, because you're going to want to write this shit down. The advice you are about to hear is definitely, definitely real.

What if I told you that four men talked about Shaquille O'Neal for half an hour? What if I then told you that they recorded this for some reason, and now you can listen to it? These four men are clearly doing the lord's work.

This episode is sure to eliminate any remaining listeners. Trust me on this one. But that's definitely only because "they" don't want us to succeed. "They" have already mobilized their agents against us. Wake up, sheeple.

Everyone has been forced to live with awful, inconsiderate jackasses at one point or another, right? I mean, unless YOU were the awful, inconsiderate jackass that someone else was forced to lived with. But what are the odds of that? Apparently 3/4.