Free Legal Advice

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. There are even more video games with weird names that I own, and they are begging to be prodded for your amusement. Just look. Look at them beg. Do you see it? They're doing it right now. Oh, they stopped. But they were definitely doing it, trust me.

Why would anyone watch minor league sports? I mean, besides the fact that it's incredibly cheap entertainment and seems to have nearly a universally positive reputation. Outside of that, what's the draw? Nothing! This is why we need to set meaningless Guinness world records, or velcro fans to things. Every seat needs an ass, after all.

They just keep coming. Every time, I have to bang my head against the wall, trying to find another alliterative title. Every time I eventually succeed, I think that this, finally, will be the last time. And every time, there's more. There's always more. We will never stop. Why do I fight? Why don't I just give in? Don't I deserve, at long last, to rest?

As of this date, September 14, 2026, I apparently own 598 video games. I had to look it up on the app I made to keep track of all the video games I own, so I don't accidentally buy the same one twice. It was a problem. Do I own too many? No. I haven't played lots of the ones I own, but I also haven't played lots of the ones I don't own. That's somehow an excuse to keep buying things I don't need,...

Against all odds, I found another alliterative title for one of these "podcast potpourri" episodes. Phew! I'm not sure if I can conjure up another one, but I probably won't ever have to do it again. In fact, the odds that there's another one of Ben's podcast potpourri episodes coming in exactly two weeks have got to be microscopic, right? There's no way...

Things ain't worth what they use-ta be, no sir. I reckon a feller could look mighty hard fer somethin' that feels worth-a-damn and come up plum empty. I don't know why I'm talking like this. Send help.

I know, I know, we've done an episode on board games already. Keep your shirt on, Zombie J. But THIS time, we're focusing only on incredibly complex board games. It's all new content for once!

Did you know that the average fact annoys the living bajesus out of Ben? Did you know that bajesus is what they call Jesus in Australia? Did you know that Australia has more sheep than people? Did you know that sheep wool grows three times faster than human hair? Did you know that a human hair weighs more than ten trillion bacteria? Did you? Huh? DID YOU????

Don't fire until you see the whites of the eyes of that abstract concept! That's how wars are won. It's all about which part of the eye you can see. Obviously, the army with better vision wins every single time.

I'll just save you some time: If you're wondering whether or not I know a certain song, the answer is probably no. If the song was recorded at some point after my own birth, it's a mortal lock. The answers I give to the questions you are about to hear are absolutely true. Yes, I really am that weird.

You stumble upon a rogue podcast. It greets you warmly. To respond in kind, go to Episode 260. To ask it to repeat itself, go to Episode 383. To sit down, douse yourself in gasoline, and light a match, go to Episode 8.

Your lifestyle, nay, your entire personality, will consist of nothing but purchasing items with our logo on them. That will be the sum total of who you are as a human being. Your life will be measured by dollars spent on us. That is, if we did this thing right. Otherwise, it'll be business as usual. Your life will be measured by dollars spent on something else.

Matt's got another cold-open-em-up for all you Hoggies out there in Listenerland. And for you non-Hoggies, we've got a special treat this week: The same episode the Hoggies get! That's right, instead of your usual 35-minute-long backwards recording of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass played over the sounds of old men weeping, this week you're actually getting the real episode! It's for one week o...

This had better be the last time Ben does an entire episode of cold opens. Not because these are bad, or anything like that. It's just that I'm running out of alliterative titles for them. I've already used "Podcast Potpourri" and "Audio Assortment." I'm running on fumes, here.

This week, we're presented with a problem, and, just like all other weeks, that problem is easily solved by applying a solution from the world of professional wrestling. WAIT, DON'T GO YET! This episode is NOT about pro wrestling, seriously. It's about movies, more than anything. Everyone likes movies, right? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T GO! Crap, I shouldn't have even mentioned the wrestlin...

Traditions in America only go back a couple of centuries, and they're weird enough as it is. In Britain, the traditions go back a thousand years, and boy, do they get weird. Weird enough that they involve royalty calling dibs on particular swans.

Look for these warning signs in your children: Do they know way too much about nuclear stuff? Do they care way too much about nuclear stuff? Is their room full of way too much nuclear stuff? Do they have a colorful glow around them? It can be any color, they're all equally bad. If you answered yes to any of these questions, your child may be nearing the completion of a dangerous and deadly homemad...

You can be the person on the inside if you just listen to the podcast. We'll never know that you did it! It'll be your little secret. You'll know all of our private thoughts and feelings. This is infiltration! You're already doing it! Officers, arrest them.

These hypotheticals, well, they... they define an era, like the title said. What more do you need? They're already offering era definition! That should be enough. Anyway, this week we discover who would win between various factions, and it's fun.

People who fix things for a living are just like you and me: They're bad at their jobs, but get paid anyway. When you think about it like that, it makes perfect sense that we have so many stories of them screwing up our houses.

It's war. The oldest conflict that earth has seen: Man vs. bird. And this time, like every time, the same side wins. But maybe we'll get those bastards next time...

It's true, though: The ending of every movie sucks. Go ahead, name a movie. Seriously, name any movie. Think of any movie at all. Its ending sucks. Try thinking of another movie. That ending sucks, too. See? They all suck! Luckily, we're here to fix that.

Here's a little legal tip for you: Buffets are legally obligated to serve you until the heat death of the universe. Remember that one. It comes in handy every once in a while.

How do you get people into the theaters? It's the age-old question that has plagued mankind for millennia. Is the answer to make a good movie? No way, that can't be it; that's way too hard! Maybe if you just do a bunch of stupid crap, you can trick people into going? I mean, people are basically cattle, right? This sounds foolproof to me.

Matt's got a few historical nuggets for us to dip into our history sauce packets, chew on with our history teeth, digest with our history bowels, develop heart disease with our history arteries, and die an early death and be buried in our history graves. Come to think of it, it doesn't actually sound like a good idea at all.