Your Stupid Minds

Your Stupid Minds tackles a prequel no one's ever heard of to a movie no one ever saw. It's 2022's R.I.P.D. 2: Rise of the Damned ! Roy Pulsipher (Jeffrey Donovan, replacing Jeff Bridges in the role) is a sheriff in 1870s Wyoming who's about to wed his daughter Charlotte (Tilly Keeper) to her weenie fiancé Angus (Richard Fleeshman). But some ruffians try to rob the train station and Roy is shot an...

Did you know Frank Miller's The Spirit isn't the only Spirit movie out there? There's also an almost unaired 1987 made-for-TV movie adaptation! And it also isn't very good! Denny Colt (Sam J. Jones of Flash Gordon fame) is a straitlaced cop who comes to town to investigate the death of his mentor Sevrin (Philip Baker Hall). It has something to do with art and artifact forgery and he's going to get...

Here we go again! Your Stupid Minds covers another much maligned Pinocchio movie, this time the 2022 Pinocchio directed by Robert Zemeckis and instantly dumped on Disney+. Geppetto (Tom Hanks) is a sad old man who makes a wooden boy named, you guessed it, Pinocchio (Benjamin Evan Ainsworth). Jiminy Cricket (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is there, there's the fox and the cat, Pleasure Island, Luke Evans ap...

It's Pinocchio season! With a new adaptation of the classic tale burning up awards and another… not , we decided to cover the baffling and much maligned Roberto Benigni Pinocchio from 2002! Geppetto (Carlo Giuffré) is a sad old man who makes a son out of wood. That boy comes to life as a middle aged Italian man (Benigni) and immediately gets into lots of hijinks. He's unruly, hyperactive, doesn't...

Your Stupid Minds kicks off 2023 with a movie that takes place in 2023 (so they say). The infamous 1974 film Zardoz , directed by John Boorman, fresh off Deliverance , and starring Sean Connery and Charlotte Rampling. Zed (Connery), a Brutal Exterminator commanded by the giant stone floating head god Zardoz to kill the Brutals as a form of population control, stows away on the giant floating head...

Note: This episode originally aired November 16, 2016. Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian "The Boz" Bosworth: 1991's  Stone Cold ! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen). After some mil...

Your Stupid Minds has maybe the quickest turnaround on a movie and reviews a Hallmark Channel original Christmas picture that came out on Friday. It's the classic tale of an optometrist falling in love with a colorblind hunk: The Most Colorful Time of the Year (2022)! Dr. Michelle (Katrina Bowden, a.k.a. Cerie Xerox from 30 Rock) is a widowed single mom with a loser ex-boyfriend who highly suspect...

On this episode of Your Stupid Minds, Chris's sister Sarah returns to the podcast because she's got a stick in her craw regarding the 2022 surprise sleeper summer hit Where the Crawdads Sing . Based on the book of the same name by Delia Owens. Kya (Daisy Edgar-Jones) is accused of the murder of the high school's star quarterback Chase (Harris Dickinson) and tells her entire life story to defense a...

Your Stupid Minds goes big this episode with a Giganotosaurus-sized episode all about Jurassic World: Dominion ! Hey guys, remember Jurassic Park ? This movie sure does! After dinosaurs entered the real world in the last movie, they now roam the planet, eating foxes and nesting on the Empire State Building and whatnot. But also, giant prehistoric locusts are destroying crops. And there's a clone g...

Your Stupid Minds celebrates its 200th episode with a movie we probably should have reviewed already: 1986's Chopping Mall , directed by Jim Wynorski. 80s teens. Killer robots in the mall. Barbara Crampton. What more do you want? Four young people and their four companions stay in the mall overnight to have a beer-fueled… orgy, I guess, inside of a furniture store. But there's a small problem, a l...

Next up in our mini-series of "80s Halloween Movies the Criterion Channel picked for us," it's Paul Schrader's 1982 "remake," of sorts, of the 1942 movie of the same name. It's Cat People ! Orphan Irena (Nastassja Kinski) arrives in New Orleans to be reunited with her long-lost brother Paul (Malcolm McDowell), who is especially affectionate and nuzzly at her arrival. When he disappears for a few d...

Your Stupid Minds takes advantage of the Criterion Channel doing our curation for us by choosing a spook-em-up in its 80s horror series: another Lucio Fulci movie, it's 1981's The House by the Cemetery ! Dr. Norman Boyle (played by the incredibly Italian Paolo Malco) his wife Lucy (Catriona MacColl) and their cherubic, etherial son Bob (Giovanni Frezza) move temporarily into a creepy New England h...

Your Stupid Minds releases a bonus second episode in two weeks to make up for being a week late last week. In any case, now we're caught up. This time around we review a movie that was basically lost until 2013 when it turned up in a batch of 1,000 pornographic 35mm prints donated to the American Genre Film Archive. It's 1976's (or 1975, depending on who you ask) The Astrologer ! Alexander (played...

It's time to Geostorm! After a one-week delay, we're back covering one of the worst movies about a global weather controlling satellite network of 2017, it's Geostorm , directed by frequent Roland Emmerich collaborator Dean Devlin. Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler) is a world famous satellite designer who is the creator of Dutch Boy, a satellite network tasked with controlling the weather to combat the...

Your Stupid Minds covers one of the many movies leaving HBO Max at the end of the month in the platform's effort pre-merger to make their streaming service really bad! This one isn't a huge loss though. It's 2014's Dracula Untold ! Vlad Drăculea (Luke Evans) is Prince of Wallachia and Transylvania and mostly a good dad and leader, despite some light impaling he's done in the past. Sultan Mehmed II...

Note: This episode originally aired May 30, 2016. Your Stupid Minds finally covers one of the A-listers in the schlock movie pantheon: Andy Sidaris's  Hard Ticket to Hawaii . Sidaris was a sports director who decided to jump over to 1980s sexploitation flicks. With muse and former Playmate of the Month Dona Speir, he went on a quest to create the most bonkers action films of the decade. Donna (Spi...

Blockade Entertainment went to Sony with a dream. "What if," they said, "we took one of your lesser PS3 exclusive games and used old existing game assets to make a big budget movie?" Sony said "let's do it!" and fished around in their couch cushions for enough money to slap this together on the cheap using a third string Korean animation studio. What we have is 2014's Heavenly Sword , based on the...

After some heavy material about kids in King Arthur's court and 3 ninjas, we decided on a lighter fare this time. What about a serial killer who kills and skins people? And also his actual name is Skinner? It's 1993's Skinner , directed by Ivan Nagy. Dennis Skinner (Ted Raimi) is a mind-mannered nerd renting a room out to innocent housewife Kerry (Ricki Lake). But he has a horrible secret he's bar...

This time, Your Stupid Minds reviews a forgettable 90s family movie that is available on Disney+, 1995's A Kid in King Arthur's Court . A kid travels back in time (or to an alternate universe where King Arthur actually existed) to 6th century England to show medieval people the wonders of Rollerblades and portable CD players. Calvin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) falls through a crack in the earth after su...

Your Stupid Minds moves chronologically backwards in the 3 Ninjas franchise with 1994's 3 Ninjas Kick Back , the second movie in the franchise. If you saw the original 3 Ninjas and thought "this doesn't appeal to me, a dumb babby, enough," then this is the movie for you! Grandpa Mori (Victor Wong) and one third of the kids from the original movie are back and they're going to Japan! …Eventually. F...

This episode originally aired January 15, 2018. Your Stupid Minds presents a '90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with  Skyscraper , which is  Die Hard  plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith. Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she deli...

Your Stupid Minds continues its "semi-recent movies that actually aren't that bad and available on Disney Plus" series with the third Narnia movie that Disney dumped and neither of us got around to seeing until now. It's 2010's The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader ! Edmund (Skandar Keynes) and Lucy (Georgie Henley) are stuck in northern England waiting out the Blitz with their...

Your Stupid Minds accidentally reviews two Kaya Scodelario movies in a row by covering a film shot in 2014, and intended to release in 2015. Instead it was dumped unceremoniously into theaters in January of this year. It's 2022's The King's Daughter ! Directed by Sean McNamara ( 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain ). Marie-Josephe (Scodelario) is an orphan brought to 18th century Versailles for u...

Your Stupid Minds features another underperforming pandemic film with this hard reboot of the Resident Evil franchise, removing Alice and the laser puzzles of the Paul W.S. Anderson films and sticking to something closer to the video game remakes. It's 2021's Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City ! Claire (Kaya Scodelario) is a former orphan from Raccoon City who returns to visit her brother Chri...

Your Stupid Minds returns to the ninja movie well in our futile attempt to find a bad one. Surely the huge flop reboot based on toys will do the trick, right? Right? It's 2021's Snake Eyes: G.I. Origins . Snake Eyes (Henry Golding) witnesses his father's murder as a child, and he vows to get big and buff and seek revenge. When evil Yakuza guy Kenta (Takehiro Hira) says he'll give him his father's...