Your Stupid Minds

Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of meh Disney movies with an unfaithful adaptation of the broom dancing sequence from Fantasia . It's 2010's The Sorcerer's Apprentice ! In a flashback to 740 A.D., Merlin (James A. Stephens) is betrayed by this trusted apprentice Horvath (Alfred Molina) and slain by the evil sorcerer Morgana (Alice Krige). A bunch of years later, in 2000 A.D., a kid named Dav...

Your Stupid Minds covers the dingy, sociopathic, completely unnecessary sequel to Saturday Night Fever : the Sylvester Stallone-directed Staying Alive from 1983. And to sweeten the pot, we have a special guest: author and Plan 9 from Outer Space lover Katharine Coldiron ! It's six years after 1977's Saturday Night Fever , and Tony Manero (John Travolta) is a struggling dancer trying to make it in...

What is Vanquish (2021)? Is it an action film? Is it a money laundering scheme? Is it a sweetheart deal with some new Uzbekistani streaming service? Whatever is is, it isn't good. Retired hero cop Damon (Morgan Freeman) was paralyzed in the line of duty and therefore Freeman does not have to stand up to leave the room throughout the entire movie. He now lives in his giant glass mansion calling cor...

Your Stupid Minds returns to its alternating YA theme with a book adaptation that Miramax and Disney had big hopes for, and then was dumped on Disney+ in the middle of the pandemic without so much as a $20 premium to watch it. It's 2020's Artemis Fowl , directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh. Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw) is a super smart smarmy super genius whose mom is dead and dad (Artemis Fowl I, pla...

Your Stupid Minds opens 2022 by covering Twitter's latest punching bag: a Christian film where a group of German Christian youth start a religious movement in an oppressive dystopian society by spray painting Jesus fish on trees and mailing people DVDs. It's 2025 - The World enslaved by a Virus (2021). Taken directly from the description: "It's 2025, The world as we have known in 2020 does not exi...

Just in time for Christmas, we review our third Nutcracker movie in five years, 2018's The Nutcracker and the Four Realms ! Eventually filmmakers will run out of ways to ruin this classic public domain story. Clara's (Mackenzie Foy) mom is dead. She and her family are sad. Her dead mom gives her a toy egg with a lock but no key. Clara goes to a Christmas party, talks to a weird scientist Drosselme...

1995's Top Dog asks the big questions. Well, really one question: What would happen if we paired Chuck Norris with a dog to fight Neo-Nazi terrorists in San Diego and released it nine days after the Oklahoma City bombing? The answer is nothing good. Reno (played by Betty the dog, uncredited) is a hero dog who plays by his own rules. After his human partner is killed by white supremacist terrorists...

In honor of Halloween Kills slicing up the box office (and the holiday of Halloween in general) we reviewed a less successful foray into the franchise with possibly its worst entry, 2002's Halloween: Resurrection ! After decapitating Michael Myers in the last film, the embarrassingly titled but by all accounts decent Halloween H20: 20 Years Later , this movie opens with Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Cu...

Since we are completists, we circled back to watch Exit Wounds (2001). Directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak and starring... well just switch out the cast from Cradle 2 the Grave but replace Jet Li with Steven Seagal. And add Michael Jai White, Jill Hennessy, Bill Duke, and the visage of Eva Mendes. Orin Boyd (Seagal) is a loose cannon Detroit cop who is in a lot of trouble for saving the vice president'...

We'll be honest. We were trying to watch Exit Wounds , the Andrzej Bartkowiak directed movie starring DMX, Anthony Anderson, Tom Arnold, and Steven Seagal. Somehow we mixed it up with Cradle 2 the Grave , directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak starring DMX, Anthony Anderson, Tom Arnold, and JET LI. We're considering it an upgrade. Anthony Fait (DMX) is a friendly jewel thief who steals from rich jerks and...

Film critic, tabletop gaming enthusiast, and Trinity University alumnus Matthew Monagle joins Your Stupid Minds to talk about 2020's The New Mutants , a film troubled by reshoots, company mergers, and a theatrical release right in the middle of a global pandemic. Dani Moonstar (Blu Hunt) is brought to a mysterious facility after her entire family dies during a "tornado." The facility's sole employ...

Strap yourself in and enjoy the ride for this fast-paced, tongue-in-cheek, aesthetically beautiful episode! Did you know Louise Linton, (possibly better known as the wife of Suicide Squad executive producer and former Trump treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin) produced, directed, wrote, and starred in her own movie about a girlboss serial killer? Did you know it's just as awful as I just described?...

Hey, did you know a new Mortal Kombat movie comes out tomorrow? Huh, weird. Well, just by sheer coincidence, we reviewed 1997's Mortal Kombat: Annihilation , a movie reviled even by Mortal Kombat film franchise fans. Shao Kahn (Brian Thompson), immediately at the conclusion of the first film, shows up to destroy the earth, breaking the rules of Mortal Kombat and rendering everything that happened...

Your Stupid Minds ends its two-movie cyborg series and jumps in to our tried and true "Worst of the Previous Year" mainstay. 2020 didn't have a huge number of films to choose from, but luckily the first three months of the year, where the stinkiest movies usually reside, were relatively pandemic free. In January, Universal unceremoniously dumped Dolittle into theaters with little fanfare, and the...

We continue our ad hoc mini cyborg series with a sequel to an Albert Pyun movie but not directed by Pyun: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow . Cash (a 17 year old Angelina Jolie in her first starring role) is a top-of-the-line cyborg created to seduce her company's competitors and blow them up. Her and her karate instructor Colton Ricks (Elias Koteas) have a good rapport, but a mysterious mouth named Mercy (J...

In a vague gesture toward Cyberpunk 2077, that game people used to complain about a month ago, Your Stupid Minds dips into Amazon Prime's vast archive of schlock and found 1992's Nemesis , directed by YSM mainstay Albert Pyun ( Dangerously Close , Captain America ). Alex (Olivier Gruner, a Jean-Claude Van Damme type) is an LAPD cop with cyborg enhancements. He is tasked with finding his former par...

Legend has it every three years, Danielle and Valeah will return to Your Stupid Minds to review a middling Christmas movie. That legend has been fulfilled for Netflix's The Knight Before Christmas , starring Vanessa Hudgens and some British guy. Featuring special guests, as previously mentioned, Valeah and Danielle. Brooke (Hudgens) is a schoolteacher in small town Ohio who recently suffered a mil...

We finally got around to reviewing Money Plane . What is Money Plane , you ask? A movie about a plane. With money on it. Well, not really. Cryptocurrency. Which I guess can be considered money. And you bet on snuff films. Or something. And you rob it. Rob the Money Plane. Jack Reese (former wrestler Adam "Edge" Copeland) is a thief with $40 million in gambling debts. When his crew is set up during...

A halloween spooktacular so good you'll puke your guts out! It's Lucio Fulci's 1980 movie City of the Living Dead ! A New England priest (Fabrizio Jovine) hangs himself in order to open a portal to hell and unleash an army of the undead. Mary (Catriona MacColl) discovers his plot during a New York seance and travels with a reporter (Christopher George) to stop the zombie horde on All Saint's Day t...

We're sealing up our loosey-goosey Worst of 2019 series with the most notorious big budget movie of the year: 2019's Cats ! Featuring special guest Sarah Richard (née Dobson). Victoria (Francesca Hayward) is a cat abandoned by her owners on the mean streets of Cat London. There she meets up with a musical bunch of Jellicle cats who show her the ropes of what it means to be Jellicle. They all sing...

Your Stupid Minds continues its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with a big budget adaptation of a book that was not nearly as best-selling as the book: The Goldfinch ! Starring a bevy of hot young male actors with incredibly silly names. Theo Decker (Oakes Fegley) is a boy who is a victim in a terrorist attack targeting New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art. His mother is killed in the blast and he go...

Your Stupid Minds continues its Worst of 2019 mini theme with a film that technically didn't come out in 2019 (December of 2018) but also didn't really come out anywhere, really. Nicolas Cage stars as another character named Joe in Maria Pulera's ghostly thriller dark comedy drama horror film Between Worlds . Joe (Cage) is a widower Alabama truck driver whose wife and five-year-old daughter died t...

Your Stupid Minds enters the world of Baker Dill as part of its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with the flop Serenity . Don't worry nerds! We're reviewing the other movie named Serenity that was a big flop. The one about fishing and step-dad revenge. Not Joss Whedon's space opera. Baker Dill (Matthew McConaughey) is an island fisherman trying to catch a giant tuna named Justice. His high school sweet...

In honor of our one-off mention of the scene where a man throws a dog in the ocean, Your Stupid Minds reviews Hulk Hogan's Mr. Nanny ! Sean Armstrong (Hogan, credited as Terry "Hulk" Hogan, which is still not his real name) is a down-and-out wrestler whose manager Burt (Sherman Hemsley) gets him a job as a bodyguard. It turns out Armstrong will oversee two psychotic children for Alex Mason (Austin...

Apropos of nothing, Your Stupid Minds reviews 1994's Streets of Rage , a vanity project written, produced, and starring wrestler Mimi Lesseos. Melody Sails (Lesseos) is a former special forces badass and aspiring journalist. After talking to some homeless children in the slums of Los Angeles, she uncovers a pattern of child murder which ties back to evil British pimp Lunar (Oliver Page). Melody al...