Worst Movies Ever Played

It’s fourth down and fangs out for the North Bend High School football team. Joey Clift joins us for the conclusion to Dark Side of the Noon . After Buff accidentally kills Postmaster Charlie with a remarkably powerful BB gun, Milton leads a forensic investigation to prove Charlie was a vampire, thus making the murder totally chill. Meanwhile, Tekanii investigates the presence of Russian vampires...

Forget Friday Night Lights. This is Friday Night Bites! Comedian and TV writer Joey Clift joins us for Dark Side of the Noon . It's the winter solstice and the darkest day of the year in North Bend, Alaska. A tiny town with a secret, but most importantly a football game to win - that is until the rival team turns vampire. Now the town's only hope is dimwitted jock Buff McBicep, his coach/history t...

“You must be status and you must be quo, because I hate your f**king guts.” —Your adorable family cat, probably Joan Ford joins us for the decidedly-adult children’s movie A Pilgrimage of Pets ! Faced with certain incarceration in the pound, Avril and Kingy make a run for it to the woods, leaving Mae to fend for himself in the county pound. At the table (sort of), we watch helplessly as a motion p...

We did it, everyone. We made the most R-rated children’s movie ever. Comedian and TV writer Joan Ford joins us for A Pilgrimage of Pets ! Three lovable pets are about to go on the adventure of nine lifetimes. At a music festival in Northern California, Kingy the idiot bloodhound, Mae the stuck-up kitty, and Avril the anarchist duck stay out partying, p**sing and sh**ting all night. When they wake...

If you ever encounter a giant, man-eating blob, consider scatting at it to make it go away. Robin Higgins joins us for part two of The Goo ! When parasitic goo monsters threatens the city, Theo, Trina, and Bland Beige do what all heroes would do: take a sexy shower together for, uh, safety reasons. Then, they fight the monster using the power of collegiate a cappella. At the table, Patrick maybe i...

None of this would have happened if we'd built the evil secret lab under a Shoney’s. Comedian, author, and science educator Robin Higgins tolerates our bunk science in this episode’s movie: The Goo ! Ooze-nithologist Theo Silverplum and nondescript government bureaucrat Bland Beige investigate an exploded Friendly’s family restaurant. The culprit… Goo! From space? Probably? Scientist Trina Tara, a...

There can only be one (butt cheek sawed off). Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for the thrilling conclusion to Tartans of Forever! Three immortals, Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have been ambushed in 1980s NYC. Their long-time enemy, fellow immortal Campbell Stornoway, has sent the NYC Butcher’s Guild to kill them in the only way you can kill an immortal: By sawing off a singular butt cheek. Now Grok,...

The IP lawsuits are temporary, but the laughs are immortal. So we’re ripping off Highlander . Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for Tartans of Forever ! In the year 1356, three immortals met during a war in Scotland. Grok, a caveman who loves business, Skirm Isher, a pikeman who is great at holding poles, and Morcant, a plague doctor/snake-oil salesman, become besties! Now they’re living it up in 1...

If the plastic ball pit at your child’s birthday party doesn’t get melted into molten plastic by hot alien hands, is it even a real party? Ian Abramson joins us for part two of Hard E’s Big Adventure ! Duncan and Maggie try to hide Hard E, an alien visiting Earth, at their local Hardee’s by covering him in fast-food takeout bags and passing him off as an attendee at Amanda Jessup’s birthday party,...

It’s like if E.T. was wet, scaly, fascinated by hate, and sponsored by a fast food corporation. Comedian Ian Abramson joins us for Hard E’s Big Adventure ! Aspiring bully Duncan Punchnugget and astronomy-club member Maggie Burniston witness a UFO landing. Out pops Hard E, an alien who wants to learn about humanity’s anger and sadness. But Duncan and Maggie will have to keep their new friend safe f...

Please listen. They have my daughter. If you don't listen to the trailer for Season 3 of Worst Movies Ever Played, the comedy actual play podcast where the hosts make up bad movies on the spot, I fear what will happen to her. New episodes start today! Oh no, they're coming back!!!

While we're in "post-pro" on our third season of Worst Movies Ever Played (coming soon!), here's a bonus made-for-TV style movie called Sunset House from the mid-80s horror anthology series Stories Related to and Generally Concerning the Graveyard . Percy, an encyclopedia salesman, and Kushy, a van-loving vagabond, are amateur supernatural investigators who come upon a legendary haunted house. No...

In the thrilling conclusion of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia face off against Major Lazer, a Jamaican cyborg killing machine that is, strangely enough, not musical in any way. At the table, Brent adds a dimension of sexy realism to the Cyberpunk genre by pondering the electrical and plumbing layouts of an office building in 2044. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actua...

In part two of A Hot Night In CyberDallas , Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia continue to work their way up the Texas Instruments tower, fighting back against the big calculator lobby with biblical holograms and plain old violence. At the table, Geoffrey and Brent finally figure out that they can search the bodies of enemies for clues. Patrick learns that his Jamaican accent is so bad, they should...

In 2044, the megacorporation of Texas Instruments and its CEO, TJ MacCune, lords over all of CyberDallas. Ronnie Fax-Machine, a veteran of Texas Instruments’ human fax program, is on a quest to make the company resume tech support for human faxes. Paramnesia, a holo-priest, believes that Texas Instruments has killed God. Together, they team up to break into the Texas Instruments tower. At the tabl...

In the conclusion of Sex 84 , Sam Droid has been apprehended and brought to the former lab of Tommy Funkhauser and Dr. Blazen. Tommy Funkhauser plans to use these sex robots as part of the secret government project, Readiness Exercise 1984. Dr. Blazen just wants hijinks, which totally ensue when Sam Droid escapes, giant marijuana plants attack, and other robots consider the philosophy of Objectivi...

In Sex 84 , Dr. Blazen, a genius scientist who loves smoking weed heads back to his former lab with his former boss, Tommy “Fun Times” Funkhauser, a man who loves wearing Hawaiian shirts. Meanwhile Sam Droid, a former sex robot, is searching for his lost sister, Anna. Did you ever wish Stephen Spielberg’s A.I. was more 420-friendly? Or that Red Shoe Diaries involved computer languages? Then you’ll...

In the thrilling conclusion of Water So Blue It’s Black , Tony, Slaps, and Gilda enter the mysterious, underwater alien cathedral that was guarded by krill ghosts. The wonders and dangers inside bring new meaning to the phrase “publish or perish” for these state university employees. At the table, Brent annoys Patrick with his wish list of underwater hardware and tools. Next time, go to the Home D...

In part two of Water So Blue It’s Black , Tony and Slaps try to steal a submarine to go find the missing crew that’s been lost somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. But first they have to get through FUFLBOT 9000, the robot who protects Sea Station 86. Bad news: He’s categorized them as hostile and is preparing to use “the hard stuff” on them. Good news: He’s very friendly about it! Worst Movies Ever...

In Water So Blue It’s Black, it’s 2054, and a crew of marine biologists has gone missing from Sea Station 86, which sits deep below the Bermuda Triangle. Former boxer and sea-station manager Tony Danzers must team up with his intern, a prissy, entitled talking dolphin named Slaps, to find the missing crew. At the table, Patrick explains to Geoffrey that some people won’t rewire their moral compass...

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

It's the conclusion of Space Squad , our final episode of the season. And okay, it turns out our heroes had it all wrong. Whoops. The furry monsters were the good guys, and Rex and Boba were flying around with the bad guys. Well, sh*t. At the table, Patrick leaves Brent no choice but to straight-up eat one of the main characters. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where...

In Space Squad , a ship slowly floats onscreen. Somewhere below, a planet of small, hair-covered monsters waits in ambush. Our brave, spacefaring misfits are the only thing standing between them and the much-vaunted Bridge of Understanding. In this movie, which is in no way capitalizing on the success of other space movies, battles will rage, blood will flow, and fur will fly. At the table, Brent...

It's the conclusion of Devil's Tramping Ground . In a fight for their very souls, high school science teacher Mr. Linnaeus, and high school bully Duncan Punchnugget, face off against a being who claims to be Satan. But can a man of science accept such a statement on blind faith? Will our bully accept that somewhere there is a bully even more bully than he is? At the table, the players create a sce...

In Devil's Tramping Ground , two members of the Pittsboro High Science Club are missing. With a pending detention hanging over his head, high school bully Duncan must find the missing students by teaming up to with the person you would least expect: his boring science teacher, Mr. Linnaeus! Anything can and will happen when this unlikely pair go searching in the spooky woods. Maybe this friendly a...