Whine with Some Cheese

Today we were forced to read actual text in a hostile font under lighting that is actively trying to age us. And for what? Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1, aka the scene where everyone spies on everyone, Hamlet spirals, and Ophelia pays the price. Claudius and Polonius recruit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to report on Hamlet’s “lunacy” (snitch behavior), then stage the most invasive setup imaginable: Opheli...

We have boundaries, and one of them is: no literature longer than a relationship that survived Tulum. Unfortunately, Shakespeare didn’t care. Welcome to Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2, twenty-seven pages of court bureaucracy, spying, and theater discourse that should’ve been an email. Claudius and Gertrude summon Rosencrantz and Guildenstern like they’re ordering Postmates and ask them to spy on Hamlet . P...

Our brie is room temperature. Avery’s wine tastes like despair. And on a Tuesday, on a Tuesday... we’re forced to endure Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 1 , a scene that is basically: espionage, slander logistics, and one extremely unwell man with zero garment security. Polonius hands Reynaldo money, notes, and a full surveillance assignment: go to Paris, track down “Danskers,” and spy on Laertes by floating...

It’s a Tuesday. A Tuesday . And somehow we’re being forced to process Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 5, the scene where the Ghost finally speaks, immediately overshares, and turns Hamlet’s life into a full-time revenge internship with zero benefits. Hamlet follows his father’s spirit into a remote, unheated part of the castle (no HVAC, no boundaries). The Ghost reveals he’s “doom’d… to walk the night,” hints...

The studio is set to an actively disrespectful temperature, and somehow we’re expected to be calm about Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 4, a scene where everyone is freezing, nobody has a coat, and a ghost communicates entirely through ominous gestures like a man who refuses to text back. Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus loiter on the ramparts while inside the castle Claudius is throwing a midnight rager comple...

The studio air is recycled. Our pores are under attack. And before noon, we’re being forced to discuss Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 3, a scene that should come with hazard pay and a formal apology from the patriarchy. Laertes is packing for France and decides his parting gift to Ophelia should be… a lecture. He warns her that Hamlet’s affection is basically seasonal, insists a prince’s “will is not his own...

Eugenia is in sustainably sourced Peruvian cashmere. Avery’s aura is misaligned. Someone has served room temperature sparkling water, and somehow we’re still expected to calmly discuss Shakespeare . In Episode 2, we whine our way through Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 2 , where King Claudius delivers the smug PR statement of the century: yes, his brother is dead, and yes, he married Gertrude immediately, and...

In Episode 1, our two snobbish, perpetually inconvenienced hosts whine their way through Shakespeare’s Hamlet , Act 1 Scene 1, where Francisco, Barnardo, Marcellus, and Horatio freeze on guard duty, get lightly gaslit (“it’s just your fantasy”), and then meet the Ghost of the dead King Hamlet , who is frankly too sensitive for the questions he’s being asked. We complain about: Midnight guard duty...