When Our Adult Children Walk Away

Adult children involved in estrangement often use specific terms and phrases to articulate their feelings and experiences. Newly estranged parents must understand and adopt these terms in today's context to fully grasp what their adult child tells them.  It is not unusual for parents to become frustrated and feel imposed upon when they learn the new definitions and meanings of words and phras...

So often, people who love and support us are also in contact with or know our distancing or estranged adult child. I'm often asked whether it is "a good idea" or "will it work" to have one of these people talk to the adult child on the parent's behalf.     I also hear stories about people taking it upon themselves to  approach an adult child without the parent's...

Memory distortion is common in our human experience. It can be particularly relevant in crumbling relationships between parents and their adult children. Too often, what were once happy or benign memories morph - seemingly - suddenly into abusive and traumatic events. Parents are often caught off guard and sent reeling into a cycle of disbelief, anger, helplessness and pain. To complicate matters...

Memory distortion is common in our human experience. It can be particularly relevant in crumbling relationships between parents and their adult children. Too often, what were once happy or benign memories morph - seemingly - suddenly into abusive and traumatic events. Parents are often caught off guard and sent reeling into a cycle of disbelief, anger, helplessness and pain. To complicate matters...

A few years ago, in the middle years of our family's estrangement from my adult daughter and grandchildren, I adopted the phrase " Parent Partner .”  I borrowed the term from the early days of divorcing parents (remember Gweneth Paltro's divorce from Chris Martin?) working together to co-parent young children. The concept is that divorcing p arent-partners choose to work collaborati...

In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic. In this episode I provide a detailed explanation of how...

In healthy and effective communication, the strategic use of apologies and explanations can significantly influence the outcome and effectiveness of our efforts to manage potential rifts in our relationships. Both play an essential role in maintaining trust, reducing confusion and ensuring seemingly small grievances don’t become catastrophic. Where apologies address the emotional aspects of a conf...

This Sunday in the US is Father's Day.  Many families around the country will spend time celebrating their dads. But, the day can be difficult for our estranged dads - and research tells us that the same is true for many of their estranged adult children. For estranged dads and adult children, the day shines a spotlight on circumstances that led to their strained or fractured relationships. E...

Parenting doesn't end when our children grow into adulthood; it just evolves into a different phase with its own set of challenges. Parents often struggle with letting their children become independent adults. It can be hard to transition from being the primary decision-maker to taking a backseat role in their lives. We are challenged to Let Go. We are faced with finding a new balance in how...

The concept of gaslighting has become a common term over the past few years. So what is it and why is it that our adult children are quick to accuse parents of gaslighting? Gaslighting is when someone says something convincingly and with authority puts into question another's perspective and experiences. Gaslighting pushes others to change their own thinking, beliefs, observations, and values...

Estrangement is most accurately defined as a continuum of distancing.  Estrangement in families refers to voluntarily or involuntarily distancing oneself from one or more family members or loved ones, usually due to significant conflicts or issues within the relationship.  Checkout https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement   to find a very helpful image of the estrangement continuum...

https://www.whenouradultchildrenwalkaway.com/about One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is, "How do I know if my child is cutting ties and wants to be estranged?"   Why is it important to understand the differences and similarities? Knowing the difference helps us assess the health of a relationship.  Take a listen as I dig in and talk about the differences. And - importantl...

 Determining the level of estrangement between you and your adult child can involve some introspection and assessment of your relationship dynamics.  Are you asking yourself questions like: What is the Continuum of Estrangement? What is the progression of distancing? How do I know if my adult son or daughter is on the continuum? How do I slow down the increasing distancing of my son or daughter? T...

For parents and adult children experiencing some level of estrangement (see the Continuum of Estrangment link below) understanding what an authentic apology means can be pivotal in repairing their differences. In this episode we dig deeper into the 5 imposters of an authentic apology. You will learn how to recognize and avoid these imposters, preparing you to recognize your responsibililities, how...

If you've listened to other WOACWA podcast episodes, you know that I ground my work in effective, respectful, and intentional communication. I integrate communication training with my six-stage Estrangement Grief Model (Disbelief, Anger, Despair, Acceptance, Transformation and Maintenance).   By this, I mean that our estrangement journey can be most effectively navigated and remedied by refle...

In this episode, Dr. Steinkamp presents the sixth stage of  Estrangement Grief. During the stage of maintenance - Maintenance.   In this stage, we have embraced some of the changes we chose to make in our lives after moving through the first five stages of estrangement grief. We have embraced our imperfections, grown to forgive ourselves and our adult child and come to recognize that we can find p...

The transformation stage of grief in the context of estrangement typically refers to the process of adapting and finding meaning after experiencing the loss of a relationship with a close family member, friend, or significant other. Estrangement involves a significant emotional distance or fracturing of a once-close relationship. The stages of grief in my model are: Disbelief, Anger, Dispair, Acce...

The acceptance stage of estrangement grief is one of the phases individuals may go through when experiencing the pain and emotional turmoil associated with being estranged from a family member or significant other. It is important to note that the grieving process is subjective and varies from person to person. During the acceptance stage, individuals may begin to acknowledge and come to terms wit...

In this – the 3rd stage in my estrangement grief model, we sit in Despair .  In the Despair stage, our primary experience and emotions include agony, hopelessness, depression, rejection, lack of joy and happiness, woefulness, blame and shame. We ask questions like – why me, why our family? Where did I go wrong? Embarrassment and isolation set in and can sometimes take hold.  In the early stages of...

[ This episode was recorded and produced in November of 2023. It was published and distributed in January of 2024. The content is applicable to all holiday celebrations and gatherings. Our apologies for the delayed availability.] Dealing with the holidays as estranged parents can be challenging, but it's possible to navigate this time with self-care, communication, and thoughtful planning. In...

Remember the 2006 comedy Failure to Launch , starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew McConaughey? I found it pretty easy to identify with Kathy Bates, who plays the mom (Terry Bradshaw plays the dad) – of a son who would not stand on his own two feet. They had to creatively coerce their adult son to move out.  Well, news flash. The tide has turned, and we – the parents –- are more and more often...

In this episode, we take a deep dive into the 2nd stage of my model of estrangement grief - Anger .  This and the other five stages are uniquely related to crumbling relationships between family members. The primary experiences in the Anger stage are overwhelming indignation, exasperation, animosity, antagonism, bitterness, spite, fury and rage. We find ourselves saying things like – how dare they...

Unlike other models and theories, I refer to the first stage of grief in estrangement as Disbelief. In the stage of Disbelief , our primary experiences include shock, panic, overwhelming doubt, denial, minimizing or skepticism and rationalizing. During this stage, we tend to send many texts, email messages, and voice messages - imploring our adult children to listen to our explanations or answer o...

Are you cycling through your emotions at warp speed? Are you angry in one moment and crippled by sadness in the next? Are you feeling helpless and hopeless? Wondering if life will ever be good again? Are you embarrassed to tell your friends, or perhaps your friends begin to pull away when you tell them about your broken relationship? In this episode, I provide an overview of the six stages of estr...

Is your relationship with your adult child falling apart? Are things between you changing, but you can't quite understand why? Are you looking for ways you can stop the unraveling without making things worse?  How bad are you willing to let things get before you take action? In this episode, we dig into the first two levels of estrangement on the estrangement continuum - Cordial Contact and L...