Unapologetic Parenting

Welcome back to Unapologetic Parenting , the podcast where we say the quiet parts out loud about high-conflict co-parenting, blended families, and the family court system—and then talk about what actually works. In this episode, host Carl Knickerbocker dives into one of the most maddening (and, when you step back, genuinely hilarious) realities of dealing with high-conflict, narcissistic co-parent...

Welcome back to Unapologetic Parenting , the podcast where we take an unfiltered look at high-conflict co-parenting, narcissistic dynamics, blended families, and the realities of family court—without sugarcoating, and without pretending these problems resolve themselves. In this episode, Carl Knickerbocker tackles a fascinating and often dangerous phenomenon that shows up again and again in high-c...

In this revealing episode of Unapologetic Parenting , host Carl Knickerbocker tackles the all-too-common struggle of trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex, and why it often feels utterly impossible. Co-parenting typically requires flexibility, shared goals, and mutual respect – qualities a narcissistic ex may refuse to engage with, prioritizing control and conflict instead. Carl delves into t...

We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time.  If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner.  If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder.  Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough. Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self...

Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system.  The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players.  The therapists attached to the system a...

Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic.  When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses.  That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy wo...

Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple.  They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions.  The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes. When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in...

Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.

We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you.  Their words and actions are disordered, not personal. From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating.  We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. I...

We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent.  We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life.  Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real wo...

When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data.  In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity.

We are generally well aware of what overt narcissists look like, but narcissism can manifest in different ways, including the covert or vulnerable narcissist.  This episode touches on the traits of the covert narcissist, and then discusses what to do when it becomes clear that you are dealing with this type of narcissistic person.

ou are not defined by your divorce experience. Your value as a parent is not determined by a custody schedule. What your ex says and does is not a reflection of your worth. Shared custody does not make you a part time parent or less of a parent. Having a high-conflict ex does not indicate any lack of worth in yourself. Their behaviors often reflect their disorders and not anything personal about y...

Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly. That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system.

Narcissistic coparents, as well as Borderlines and other similarly disordered individuals, have a nasty habit of making up lies, fictitious events, and false allegations. Those of us who have dealt with such people know that there is no end to what they will cook up and pretend to be real. This episode focuses in on getting very clear on the facts, clear on your own character, and discusses the im...

When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other House Often times when we step in to bail the other parent out, we are enabling them to continue failing as parents. We think we are helping the kids, and perhaps they do benefit in the short-run in some way, but in the big picture we are usually playing into codependency dynamics. This is a game that currently gets played out with the kids' schoo...

If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context.  This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes.  And it will come. We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversat...

It is difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend parents who literally do not show up for their kids...especially when that absentee or negligent parent is the other parent of your own child. Many times the child neglect is part of an attention seeking game played out by a narcissistic parent.  The game is designed to keep you enmeshed in contact and enabling. This episode discusses those situati...

For those of us who have gone through the divorce process, we often figure out fairly quickly that there are more adversaries than just the ex.  We are up against the ex as well as their divorce lawyer, who has a vested interest in stirring up as much conflict as possible.  We often have our own divorce lawyer who is aligned with us on one hand but against us on another.  Many people end up misuse...

Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids. And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they u...

In this episode I tell my story of how I messed up on my own rules and ended up assaulted, which resulted in me having a permanent neck injury.  When it is time to move out...get out, stay out, stay safe.  If you must go back to the house for any reason, do so in a way that provides for accountability and protection. 

It is okay to teach your kids that they can keep or drop any family traits and practices that they want. There are family habits and values that lead to great life, and there are family habits and traits that may lead the kids away from the type of life they want to create. We try to have frequent conversations with the kids about the types of life experiences they want to have both now and in the...

When we apply Murphy’s Law to a narcissistic ex, we find that anything they can possibly jack with they will jack with. If there is a situation that they can make more difficult in order to gain attention, then they will. If there is an obvious decision that they can draw out and complicate, then they will to get their fix. We see this constantly. One time the narcissistic ex wants one thing when...

We all make mistakes, and we all occasionally make mistakes that hurt other people. When we own those mistakes and offer genuine apologies, we can work to soothe hurt feelings, heal relationships, and rebuild trust. Narcissists rarely, if ever, offer authentic apologies. Building trust and respecting others’ feelings does not matter to a narcissist, even with their own kids. Narcissists are focuse...