Unapologetic Parenting

Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens. Or for anoth...

When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents). I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divor...

It is good for kids to be able to express their emotions...and most kids seem to have no difficulty doing so at all. The difficulty is usually training kids to be centered and rational. What we see in popular media and trendy-trendy parenting advice is an over emphasis on emotional expression with almost nothing to balance it in terms of manners, boundaries, self-discipline, and rationality. Kids...

We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever. When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible...

I firmly believe that there is no reason for a stepmom and a biomom to be having direct conflict with one another. I also am of the opinion that in most cases direct communication between a biomom and stepmom is completely unnecessary. Maybe I am biased in my view, but to me the root issue behind direct stepmom and biomom conflict is a man (biodad) who is not fulfilling his role in the situation....

There is usually no need or good reason to talk to your ex during and after the divorce process. A good rule is to cut out phone and in-person conversations completely. Verbal conversations with exes typically devolve into verbal abuse. Verbal conversations also expose us to manipulation and having false claims brought against us.  Exes will deny the awful things they say and claim that we said th...

Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment.  If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high c...

Don’t argue with someone who has decided that they are never wrong and you are never right. When exes disagree with us, it is often part of the power that existed during the marriage, through the divorce, and into the present. They are set on winning by always being right and making us always wrong. They refuse to concede. Constant disagreement is also a way to bait us into giving them attention....

When we see our exex' negative traits showing up in the kids, it is a call for us to step up and model the behaviors we want the kids to embody. This is also true when we see our own past or present undesirable traits taking root in the kids. Or when we see negative traits that remind us of our parents or grandparents. The best way to influence kids’ behavior is through consistent modeling of...

Parallel parenting is a plan with clear rules and clear boundaries. To parallel parent is to stay out of your ex’s house (literally and figuratively) and vice versa. Parallel parenting is based on personal accountability and acknowledges the reality of conflict and divorce. Trendy coparenting is a philosophy of “shoulds.” Coparents should have free and open and friendly communication. Everyone sho...

Nothing empowers us more against gaslighting and manipulation than a firm grasp of the facts. If we want to become highly resistant or impervious to gaslighting and other high-conflict games, we need to be dedicated to facts, evidence, and rational thinking. Lots of online advice encourages you to keep “feelings journals” and to tell yourself affirmations about “knowing your truth.” Far better is...

There is a lot of misinformation out there on the topic of parental alienation...not only concerning what it is but also what to do if you think legitimate alienation is in play. Many of the online definitions are incorrect and confuse alienation with estrangement. Many describe normal child-preference behaviors and incorrectly label them alienation. Alienation is not the same thing as estrangemen...