Umpire Pants

Kelley is here, we are watching the AFC championship game, best of update, Bill talks too fast, spouse feedback, chill down, the point of this whole thing, umpire pants, swearing, accupuncture update, gout, mustard plaster, coffee, names, weird fishing game, grandma, weird meat, ponies aren't baby horses, Beethoven/Hawaii/deaf/Grutrude, itching and scratching, words/cops, Gahna record contract, sw...

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Daisojapan.com Bill is more official, drops, Mary is going to London -> cheap seafood -> Mary doesn't like Daiso -> Great Wheels -> Kingdome -> foot update/hobos -> Kingdome -> Ken Griffey Jr.'s bat update, Mary's foot update (20:42 - 38:28 ) -> Sofie interrupts -> Halloween candy bar -> the International District -> checks -> Mary's story was long (16 minutes...

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Kelley and Felix are here, tightening our shit up, its the playoffs, this is the first episode 23, super bowl commercials, Bill makes a natural transition, Hamilton joke, Mary is going to London, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, listener feedback, old entertainers, Maude, Game of Thrones, Golden Girls, things you are still mad about from childhood, Mary is b...

LaCroix, sugar in 7-up, Mary is deaf, cats -> getting scratched by cats -> compost -> cats, Bill teaches Mary about hosting, college football, Super Bowl predictions, Ohio, Kelley's Hint List -> live calls -> Mary can't find her glasses -> glycerine and elbow grease, collect a meat bonus -> soups and cheeses -> meat dip, Russel is on mic for the first time, oatmeal flavor -> weird recipes, scorche...

Bill's duties as host, listeners, recapping the last episode, non podcast listeners, Bill is low energy, Mary loves salt, Doritos, food Mary likes, Bill repeats cat tips, Simon update, saving the coal industry, baked beans, world interest, Kelley's easter egg, sisters in law, Mary almost says the funniest thing ever, Spanish lesson, selling bibles, Mad Magazine, Golden Girls, Party Records, Bob Ne...

Mary is sitting in the car, Lily and Bill start without her, it was just Christmas, having kids makes you more tidy, meatball subs, food contamination, loud ringtones, talking on the phone, fax machines, life before cell phones, No Holds Barred, more fax machines, cell phones, Mary shows up, Mary won't get the joke, Bill is tired of having a sprained foot, Alf, Mary is a bad driver, Dad doesn't re...

Bill panics in a good way, Mary figures out who opened for Chris Rock, Jitterbug phone, McDonald's cheeseburgers, Kelley doesn't like the last episode's name, we have a full house, Bill explains how he screwed up the last episode, Seattle Arena, samsquanches, bad neighbor update, fireworks, Office, Ernst, wallpaper, toilet frogs and bats, break (Nate Bargatze), people who look like each other, Dur...

Mary is back, Bill recorded an episode by himself, who opened for Chris Rock?, Andrea and Herman don't listen, things we're not talking about anymore (bats, Ernst and Jafco), Christmas, hiding cars from the repo man, cars with a bow, orange cupcake tease, Pepperidge Farm gift box, Scrooge, McDonalds, cheeseburgers, ants and cartels, Simon is dumb update, Garrison Keillor update, more bats, curses,...

Simon, rabies, ants, Spanish teacher, rato/ratito, republicans, listeners, jail, Jimmies, submarines, Jeopardy, San Jose Costa Rica, killer bees/killer whales, scary kid things, kitchen gadgets, weekly yelling at dad segment, drinking water, echo update, 77 Corolla wagon, old cars, speaking and cooking, weekly Geico commercial, Umpire Pants out

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_Home_Centers Bill has no idea what episode it is (it is 16); technical difficulties, Ernst/Home Depot/Costco, Redmond, ducks, , libraries, penis jets, jungle update, burning, Alejandro, ants, bats, rabies, email, end zone celebrations, laundry port, weird old houses, homeless problem, self driving cars are not the future, we...

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants We should do a live episode, old business, podcast listeners, Mary remembers Denzel Washington movies, Beta VCR, Bob Odenkirk, Mary doesn't like most standup comics, Richard Pryor, Geico commercial of the week, leaf cutter ants and toilet frogs, Mary doesn't like most podcasts, George Navarro, grabbing the mic, old household parts, starting fluid, Ernst, hardw...

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants What time is it?, Mary didn't eat dinner again, things, election day, Mary is an entrepreneur, Vera, stats, toads and frogs, snow, Larry King, umpire pants, wasps and ants, groin, Bill's story doesn't add up, hey dummy, superglue, juggalos/deadheads, allegedly, Simon the cat, callbacks, new crown, earrings

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Halloween and Thanksgiving, family sayings, Nicholas Cage, roadrunner tattoo, Canada, trashy plants, bees, how to kill leaf cutter ants, social media tips, burps, strong Mary, Costa Rica updates

Our first remote epsiode Mary and Kelley are in Costa Rica, toilet frogs, real meat, the lowest form of food, working on cars, no Tina Fey update, SpaghettiOs, S-10 stories, cops, changing tires, Mary is hogging the mic, Twitter, scary Costa Rica things, everything goes to hell, Trunk or Treat,

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants http://hostesscakes.com/products Mary glued her fingers to a tube of superglue, Kelley is here, Tina Fey part 3, bad food names, out of the will, Nebraska, Kelley's hint list, Easter scavenger hunt

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants We've made it to double digits, Anthony Bourdain and Tina Fey part 2, Simon the giant cat, avocado toast, things that aren't funny, bad cat names, Mary messes up our edit, inventions, sweat box/sweat lodge, buffets, Las Vegas, water contest

umpirepantspod@gmail.com @umpirepants Bill gave out the wrong information, Anthony Bourdain/Shark Tank, online recipes, Paula Poundstone, Prairie Home Companion, the most Seattle thing ever, local show local donut, NFL, Umpire Pants

State of the podcast, Bill is sick, weird podcasts, Bill forgets to introduce Kelley, school, podcast reviews, Seinfeld and Tina Fey, movies, cats, household hints, grandma, Dave Barry, Nerf guns, dumb technology, babies

State of the Podcast, Cheech and Chong, potted meat, door to door meat sales, Lily has some business ideas, taking a break, Twitter, is this podcast good?, books, Sofie talks, hot sauce, the coast, Dennis Wilson, intend on, cords, flat earth

Mary hurt her foot so she took a painkiller and is pretty loopy in this one.

I'm still not sure which episode it is, Felix isn't here, Lily is 15, Hostess cupcakes, Mary can't user her phone, Jane Fonda was at the Emmys, underwear, technology, straws, Seattle arena, a long foray into deep local references, Trump, earthquakes

Episode 2 by Umpire Pants

Episode 1 by Umpire Pants

Kelley joins us to take a walk down memory lane. Mary, the co-host, thinks that Bill, the host, and Kelley, his sister, are too mean to her.

Bill, the host, and Mary, the co-host, talk about where Seattle should build an arena for way too long.