Two Assholes and a Mic

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby talking about cutting back on weekday drinking, trying to drop the last bit of weight, and why going to the bar is really more about the social side than getting drunk. Then the conversation moves into Ian planning some tiny Lego head tattoos, Robby’s hatred of tattoo numbing spray after a brutal ingrown-hair reaction, and the eternal question of whether...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts a little heavier as Robby finds out Autumn is sitting at 34 percent in English with six missing assignments, kicking off a conversation about parenting someone who’s almost eighteen, consequences, and how losing Willow changed the way Robby handles those moments. From there things lighten up considerably when Slinky refuses to cuddle, Roxy gets recruited to make hi...

Send us Fan Mail Apparently the proper way to celebrate 102 episodes is to completely skip 100, fire confetti everywhere, and immediately complain that the poppers didn’t work right. From there we talk about a listener reaching out with the idea of reading Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Death by Black Hole , which somehow turns into us accidentally starting a tiny podcast book club. Then the WoW Forever la...

Send us Fan Mail Sweenis is back, and this one starts with the WoW Forever beta reopening for one last round of absolute chaos—endgame gear dropping for low-level characters, level 60 infernals murdering everyone outside the starting zones, and a giant abomination apparently leveling up every time it kills somebody. From there we somehow end up discussing Robby’s potential Robotnik mustache, bee v...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Ian getting way too high and reading Lost in Space , which somehow turns the formation of the solar system into the equivalent of a 12-hour human pregnancy and gives Robby the perfect opportunity to make it weird almost immediately. Then the new Am I the Asshole? segment comes back with a wedding singer argument before completely derailing into a bedroom disag...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with both of us running on questionable sleep schedules before immediately getting sucked back into WoW Forever and planning our undead paladins, including Ian landing on the extremely stupid but somehow perfect name Buzz Blightyear. From there, Ian finally corrects the record on the “mythical albatross” and explains what actually happens in The Rime of the Ancient...

Send us Fan Mail This one turns into a full-on trip through old military TDYs and the kind of stories that somehow get better the further removed you are from them. There’s a half-remembered Vegas scavenger hunt, Japan and Korea trips, Wolfpack Park, broken pinkies ruining deployments, and the legend of Melty Face —a man apparently capable of being blackout drunk for 186 out of 188 days. Then Robb...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Ian experimenting with mysterious little patches that are apparently improving his dopamine, metabolism, and—most importantly—his ability to actually take a shit more than once a week. Then Ian cracks open his new Neil deGrasse Tyson Lost in Space book for the first time, which sends us straight into comets being “dirty snowballs,” ultraviolet light, the ridic...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby blow-drying his mustache into submission and Ian finally explaining why the hell he’s always recording from his car. From there, we somehow get into journaling and whether writing down your darkest thoughts is therapeutic or just conveniently creating evidence for later. Robby still hasn’t called about his missing Slingshot, we struggle to remember what...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Roxy and Slinky doing their usual size-mismatched dog bullshit before we get distracted by feeding schedules, giant dog crunches, and whether Roxy is secretly patrolling the house all night. Then it’s time for random facts, and Ian chooses the deep sea—which immediately turns into four-hundred-year-old Greenland sharks, colossal squid with rotating hooks, meta...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with a mystery pile of pee, an ancient Alienware laptop, and Robby showing off his Coraline nails before we inevitably fall headfirst back into WoW Forever . Ian decides he wants two mains—one Horde and one Alliance—while Robby tries to settle on a family surname for his ridiculous number of characters. That leads us from Gloomhammer to Albatross , Ian badly rememb...

Send us Fan Mail Sweenis is back again and at this point we’re not even sure he qualifies as a guest anymore, so we unofficially promote him to honorary host before immediately getting distracted by pet snails, stink bugs, trash juice, and dogs that know they’re supposed to run away after they fart. Robby discovers that removing his phone case may have finally solved months of overheating and disc...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby planning out WoW Forever character names, including Tauren ideas like Spicy Buffalo Wing and Kicking Wing, before we wander into dwarf haircuts, tiny tanks, dog names, five-spice seasoning, sesame oil, wings, and Robby trying not to spend his cash at the bar. Then Roxy takes over the conversation, which somehow leads to giant-dog logic, strong-willed Can...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Slinky’s cheese curds, questionable family photo habits, and a surprisingly long debate over how to pronounce charcuterie before Ian gets into something a little more serious: deciding it’s probably time to move on from his current job once the house situation is finally settled. From there, we talk retirement money, credit-card points, work-life balance, suga...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby fighting his headset, phone, Wi-Fi, heat, and basically every piece of technology he owns before settling into a much better topic: WoW Forever . He hits the current level cap, starts debating whether the future group should roll five undead paladins or actually build a useful team, and realizes he’s already fallen back into old-school questing habits. F...

Send us Fan Mail Billy joins us for this one, immediately proves he has absolutely no filter, and somehow the conversation goes straight from Robby’s failing phone into internet videos none of us should have ever seen in the first place. After collectively deciding everyone is better off never Googling certain things, we move into fantasy sports, terrible draft luck, workplace trash talk, and the...

Send us Fan Mail Sweenis joins us for this one, Robby shows up late, Starlink immediately starts acting like Starlink, and somehow we end up planning where everybody should move once the kids are grown and retirement money can actually do some damage. From there, Robby unveils his last-ditch attempt at a cool hairstyle—the fucking woodpecker —while Sweenis explains why he gave up trying to grow a...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby’s decade-old headset finally showing its age before we get into remote-job hunting, whether $60–70K is enough to justify going back to full-time work, Ian’s abandoned shirt-business dreams, and the point where making more money stops being worth giving up your free time. Robby considers going back to the kitchen, we discover the podcast’s greatest power...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts with Robby’s ancient headset making screeching noises and somehow turns into one of our more brain-melting space conversations. We get into the double-slit experiment, quasars, gravitational lensing, photons that experience billions of years like an instant, and why none of that feels remotely reasonable even when the science supposedly checks out. From there, we d...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts a little heavier, with Robby talking about stepping away from the bar for a few weeks to get his head right, reset after a rough stretch, and figure out what he actually wants to do next. That somehow turns into becoming a third-base coach for a softball team, defending Grammy’s right to wander around the bar doing whatever the hell she wants, and then a full dive...

Send us Fan Mail Robby finally gets the new gaming PC he’s been talking about forever, complete with liquid cooling, enough power to make HOTS behave itself, and a new chair that somehow still manages to piss him off because it requires assembly. From there, we get another house update, praise for a mortgage broker who has gone well beyond what she signed up for, more Starlink cable troubleshootin...

Send us Fan Mail This one comes with a guest. Joe Cheshire jumps in and suddenly we’re swapping old Air Force stories, talking sponsors, Lakenheath, Alaska, Florida, mountains versus beaches, British towns, drunken Bury nights, and the kind of military memories that make you realize none of us have changed that much. Robby also talks bar life, raising kids, empty-nester plans, and why pouring beer...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts later than usual, with no judgment from Ian, before Robby opens up about a rough Willow day, PTSD triggers, leaving work early, and how one conversation at a coffee shop turned into an emotional spiral. From there, the internet continues its war against the podcast, Starlink cables become suspect again, and Ian gives the latest painful house update involving rent c...

Send us Fan Mail This one kicks off with Ian finally ordering a new phone, Robby debating the same, and both of us still trying to figure out whether the real villain is the phones, Starlink, the app, or just whatever “bottlenecking” nonsense is happening in the background. From there, we get into Robby’s rough Whatnot stream, bar boredom, doom scrolling, walking groups, testosterone checks, blood...

Send us Fan Mail This one starts before the intro with Robby deep in Hulk color lore, because apparently there are way more Hulks than anyone needed to know about. From there, we get into Erin’s baked ravioli, homemade pasta, pizza-roll logic, and missing the Viking buffet hard enough to cause emotional damage. The dogs then take over with Roxy guarding the fence, Slinky chaos, Amazon driver drama...