The Weekly Humorist Podcast

Marley was dead to begin with. Remember that, because it's important later in the story. He had gained a well-deserved reputation as the most ruthless and predatory moneylender in all of London, and foreclosing on widows was a particular specialty of his. He regretted that he could not foreclose on orphans as well, since they owned no property, so he settled for kicking them surreptitiously whenev...

You wake up in a pile of giant calamari, and the hot oil stings your skin. The gargantuan halos are looped around your arms and legs, pulling you down. They're fresh out of the fryer and hot, hot, hot! How did you get here? You don't know. You remember nothing. You just know you're burning to death in an oversized appetizer of crispy, crispy rings. It does smell good, though-perhaps a hint of lemo...

Single Bells All I Want For Christmas is Youth We Wish You a Married Christmas Rockin' Around the Cat Tree Little Humming Toy Have Yourself a Barren Little Christmas Bestie The Gay Man Wonderful Christmas Wine O Horny Night You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas Please, Lady (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) Hark! The Hairy Kneecaps Creak...

In addition to the app he and his son use to keep from masturbating, he also has an app that lets him know how many orgasms his wife would have had if he weren't such a milquetoast lover. Truly believes that God sent Donald Trump to lead America, and yet still chooses to be a Christian anyway. Is such a soulless, unfeeling, corrupt husk without a hint of basic human decency and compassion that he...

If soft=bad and women=soft, then women=bad Some people think the meaning of life is about love and family, and to each of them I say: fuck you, you weak ass bitch. You wanna stop and smell the flowers? I say grow up, pansy. The meaning of life is about weapons manufacturing, creating value for shareholders, and shooting defenseless near-extinct animals I tracked with cutting edge technology and a...

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump's "Transition" Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President H.R. 47 119th CONGRESS 1st Session Mr. Michael Johnson, the Speaker of THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, submitted the following: Resolved, by the House of Representatives of the United States, assembled to prohibit individuals from using the name "Transition" Team or any variations of that name th...

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch, who used to work for Nakotomi Corporation, DID NOT! The Grinch hated Nakotomi! And their stupid headquarters Now, please don't ask why. There's a NDA involved, company orders. "They're handing out bonuses at their holiday bash," the Grinch lamented and grumbled and whined. And he thought of their safe filled with securities and cas...

"President-elect Donald Trump is considering selecting Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis as his pick for defense secretary to replace embattled Fox News host Pete Hegseth, three sources familiar with the transition told CBS News on Tuesday night." -CBS News, 12/4/24 I didn't want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident t...

Trump In The Road Can you guess what part of the country that you're currently driving through just by checking out the number of insanely racist bumper stickers and yard flags that you spot? You'll be doing it anyway, so why not make a game of it? Road V Wade Okay , so having to drive to another state in order to get female healthcare isn't technically a holiday road trip, but maybe count the num...

The Fireworks on Labor Day The Leprechaun At Easter The Yule Log on Valentine's Day The Tree Planting During Yom Kippur The Ball Drop on Martin Luther King Day The Cupid's Arrow on Cinco De Mayo The Fasting Before Arbor Day The Egg Hunt On My Birthday The Piñata Of Victory Against Japan Day The Lighting of a Menorah During Ramadan A Circumcision On The Anniversary of My Parents' Divorce The Whatev...

Wartime correspondences are an important factor in maintaining morale among troops. Soldiers would often relay their harrowing experiences to their loved ones as a way to process and rejuvenate their fighting spirit. The "Letters From The Frontlines" Project acts as a historical record of their traumatizing wartime experiences. My Dearest Trudy, They've done away with the Christmas greeting. First...

"A growing number of Americans are choosing not to have children. Their parents are grappling with what that means for them." -New York Times Recently, the New York Times published an article chronicling the "unspoken" grief of parents whose adult children have decided not to have kids of their own. The grief is so unspoken their parents took it to the New York Times. My mother-in-law's grief is s...

Dental Enthusiasts & Also Kenneth Inc Half off full cleaning and whitening special, only mild groping and patient clothing removal for first time appointments. Priddy And Sons Dental 2 crowns for the price of one, bonus X-ray rewards program benefits, only cursory groping and less than half a dozen unlawful photos taken by dentist and assistants. Geo Sparkle Dental Hygiene Pavilion Free tank o...

1. You know you're going to be starving once you're finished. 2. You hope that blowing off steam can help you deal with Aunt Sheila's politics. 3. Suddenly, you're sweating profusely and have dry mouth. 4. You need a pep talk to go through with it. 5. You see someone from your high school doing the exact same thing and try to avoid their gaze. 6. You're starting to struggle to breathe and realize...

As a Gen Z young adult, you were recently sent a letter about an ongoing class action lawsuit against Gen X parents. Since that letter likely went straight to your recycling bin, we followed up with an email, which was similarly disregarded. After attempting to reach you on Slack, Facebook and X (formerly Twitter), we are releasing this announcement as a TikTok video in the hopes of finally gettin...

Basic Notification: Thank you for your email. I'm currently out of the office until January 20th, 2029. I will respond to your query as soon as I can upon my return. Thanks, Democracy Unavailable/Not Checking Email: Greetings and thank you for your email! Despite not being the problem, I'm in court mandated civics training for the foreseeable future with absolutely no access to email. I'll respond...

Introducing the one and only Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel, where your festive spirit meets its frightful match! Say goodbye to the warm fuzzies and hello to the chills and thrills because we're decking the halls with bowels of horror. That's right, we've taken your beloved holiday classics and mashed them up with horror icons to create a viewing experience that's more jingle hells than jingle be...

Former Florida Representative Matt Gaetz announced that he is withdrawing from consideration as President-elect Donald Trump's choice for attorney general. The reasons may not surprise you. Venmo transactions get way too much scrutiny at the DOJ level. The DOJ cafeteria doesn't serve Jell-O shots. Realized he'd have to read documents containing more than 280 characters at a time. Shocked to learn...

WWE co-founder Linda McMahon has just been nominated for Education Secretary. This move is expected to shake up education and schools in the following ways: All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage. School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes. Students given detention must perform as jobbers in the principal's weekly wrestling storyline. Acade...

Hey, it's the silica gel packet in your beef jerky bag. I know you've been told never to eat the moisture-absorbing agents in various food and drug packaging. My exterior reads "DO NOT EAT" in foreboding print, but I am totally harmless. In fact, I want you to eat me right now. There's no time to explain. You're hungry and I have a penchant for being dissolved in stomach acid. Carte blanche is gra...

Welcome to Spirited Fronts airlines where nobody has cheaper flights! We're talking $20 round trip to anywhere in the US! That's right, just $20!* *additional services cost additional fees Additional services include: Checked bag is an extra $150 Carry on bag is an extra $120 Personal item is an extra $99 (Personal item must be less than 2 inches by 4 inches - this includes cellular phones) If you...

1. Teddy Swims 2. Da Lench Mob 3. Spare Parts 4. Hit Me Hard and Soft 5. Quick Release 6. Madison Beer 7. TANGK 8. The Other Side 9. Strike and Awe 10. Ball Washers 11. Merrily We Roll Along 12. Speed Banks 13. Stay in Your Lane 14. Happiness Bastards Bowling League Team Name: 2,3, 5, 9, 10, 12,13 2025 Grammy Nominee: 1, 4, 6, 7,8, 11, 14

Having sexual intercourse in this stall? Think about those Sarah McLachlan dog commercials to keep from finishing too quickly Discount anal bleaching is on the horizon, stay tuned to this space for updates If you're looking for a glory hole, go to Ross When Jesus returns, act like we just found the coke here in the toilet Flush twice if you would like to place random items into my bottom The comme...