The Story Must Be Told

Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move. Invocation The Matter of Chalms’ Disappearance Liturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man” A Baptism VIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/the...

Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him. Invocation Devon’s Birthday Memories Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory” The Matter of Chalms’ Identity We have videos!...

Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS. Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Waxy Slime Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sk...

Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Chalms is teething! Cardinal Ed Lars...

In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.

Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient. Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting) Invocation Psalm: “Pain Cereal” Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist” Concluding Prayer We love you. We beg the Story to tre...

Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo. Invocation The Rite of the Blessing Hose Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train” Concluding Prayer This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to...

Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell) Invocation Impressions of the Clergy Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions” Concluding Prayer Ne...

What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth. Invocation Cooking with the Story Liturgical Reading: “The Auction” Tastin...

I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for a Gooey Congregation Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man...

Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another. Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation A Surprise for a Lost Woman Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?” Concluding Prayer The Story is hiding...

When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened." Invocation Demonstration of A Novel Life Saving Technique/GreaCR Liturgical Reading: “There When You Need Me” Conc...

We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, and licked the paper until he consumed every one. “Your names are mine!” He grinned, tongue black as ink. This Story is what happens to your city when you deny it the STORY. Featuring: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) In...

Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuugh. Yeah, sometimes these Stories get grisly, and when they do, we just gotta shake our heads and whisper, “ohhhh.” Enjoy this tender tale of friendship to which we can allllll relate. Invocation Psalm: “A Sack Full of Batteries” Liturgical Reading: “...

Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, when the good are divided from the evil. Witness as the false Story some call “Lord” does their regular spring cleaning of humanity. Invocation Petitions for Chalms Liturgical Reading: “Goats and Sheep” Concluding Prayer Yes yes, this week’s Story comes...

Children are produced by squishes and sweat. A Gruntmunk is not so different, except unlike a child, it SINGS. May we all become Gruntmunks, those cherubs of pop music and the forebears of the Story. Invocation Psalm: “Eighteen Dog Bird Hogs ” Liturgical Reading: “Grunster and the Gruntmunks” Concluding Prayer Next week we will witness the Story together, and if you blink we’ll get MAD at you.

Larvae grow up, sniff sniff, and they change! Mutation and abomination is built into the lifespan of the insect, phases of unconscionable puberty inflicted on the lil bug, boo hoo. Shed a tear for the beetles, for they know tragedy. This is a Part 2. The Story forbids listen unless you did your Story duty with Part 1. Yeah, we PUNISH in this church. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast...

When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us, and what might they build in our shadow? The following Story is no Story at all, but a documentary that simply hasn’t happened yet! Yeah, this one is all true, yeah, this is a goddamn prophecy, a prophecy about BUGS. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (P...

Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper. Guest Preacher: Jake Young (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, Cartoon Hell on dropout.tv, @bestjakeyoung) Invocation...

The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn! Invocation Psalm: “Hungry Man Dinner” Liturgical Reading: “Fun Boy Limite...

This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember. Invocation Psalm: “How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story” Liturgical Reading: “When You Watch Me" Concluding Prayer We return on Tuesdays, Tuesday-style, and...

A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation. Invocation Psalm: “Cory Had a...

Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than while your Oldsmobile undergoes a transformation from car sickly to car pure and fresh? Some of you might remember this Story from our lost, forgotten, “first season,” and it has returned to you like an obedient pup. Plump upon it, this episode of bonus...

Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pill called “Story.” Some pills are easy to swallow, but this one might catch inside you, or smear your greases with unknown side effects. Rub your tum, eat a cracker, and hold tight as we figure this alllll out. Invocation Psalm: “New Hair” Liturgical...

Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cro-Croa. But when shipments of the Story’s fizzy truth go missing, what is a Cardinal to do? Listen here, you hot shit, and plump on this here tale of deceit, classic Italian dishes, and Story pure. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Brighter Side podcast) Invoca...