The Story Must Be Told

Shhhh, breathe in. Breathe out. Keep breathing out. Out! OUT! I did NOT say “in.” OUT. Today, we calm it down, grease it up, and relax our minds into a state of responsive, ready terror. Breathe with us—and keep them pearly winkers SHUT. Story retreat Bonfire Liturgical Reading: “A Guided Meditation” Concluding Remarks In two weeks we’ll grease you up again, mm mmm Merch for THINKERS: https://topa...

Hark! Praise! Today is Greasegiving! What a HOLY DAY. Today we learn every Truth, and witness the Greatest Story Of All Time. We honor Devon, for some reason. Also: there’s a psalm. Invocation Petitions for Glorious Congregants Psalm: “Lil Sips” Liturgical Reading: The Story of Revelation FEATURING Every Answer Ever Concluding Remarks Solos improvised by Al Piela https://alpiela.com/ We’ll see you...

It’s late, and a sweet lil Devon had another nightmare. Sounds like it’s time for some STORY. Cuddle up, wriggle your toes, and prepare yourself for three tales with the UTMOST loose connective tissue. Talkin’ ALIENS. YES. Matching Pajamas Liturgical Readings: “Chunk Riots” “The Pee Room” “Spooky Aliens!” Goodnight The Story is taking a well-deserved break. We will return with a new Story October...

Ameri-come one and all, to the rootinest tootinest Story this here Story mouth ever done Storied. You better bet your ASS that Tim Allen pops up in this wild hogride. That’s just what happens when you AMERICA. Heartfelt Sentiments An Unwelcome Guest Liturgical Reading: “And America Makes Two!” A Welcome Guest Tuck your hand between your pits, clamp down, and tug. That’s how you salute THE STORY. M...

You’ll never miss no one as much as you miss CELEBRITY. CELEBRITY is how you know what it means to live. No one alive is happier than CELEBRITY—so when they die it’s a-mournin’ time, heh heh. HONK HONK, GRIEF GRIEF. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 Podcast, @jackthatworm on Instagram) Invocation Petitions for Dutiful Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Grief Market” Concluding Prayer In t...

The separation of church and state don’t mean SHIT. Yeah, mix em up, bay-bee. Gimme some church in my state, especially in my secret government directives, ooh ooh. What would the government do with our taxes, and faith in an unseen god? Perhaps, they’d try to take a lil ol peek, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Elliott Friesen Acoustic Guitar: Elliott Friesen Invocation Zoom difficulties Liturgical Readi...

A talking dog found today’s guest, who delivers a Story about SPICY, oh so sweet LOVE. Cardinal Larson, you rascal, and also: you tragic lover. Listen to this high octane friggin ride, and ask yourself: are you TOUGH ENOUGH to defend your love from a scorned A-list celebrity congregant? Invocation Cardinal Larson Returns Liturgical Reading: “The Night of the Historical Jesus” A Cardinal’s Goodbye...

Nothing helps time in isolation like a little woof woof, a little bark bark grr grr ruff ruff. Talking DOGS. But remember: sometimes a pet is just a friend who will watch you die. After you're gone, they might even do more than watch! Nibble nibble, crunch crunch. Invocation Ruff ruff yip yip Liturgical Reading: “The Recovered Diary” Woodrow’s Burden Ohhhh a special guest is coming in two weeks, u...

Hey! Yes you! Get out of the dirt and come inside; we got mourning to do. Yes, mourn a fresh one with us, mourn until you’re dry. Guests are coming, and they want to see your grief. A Secret Meeting The Break Room Liturgical Reading: “I Seen Locusts Out Back” Devon’s Warning The 522 Club is next week for patrons, then a fresh Story for all us lay people proper the week after. Merch, for Locusts: h...

Devon! What are you doing here? This is no place for you! Get out! OUT! Ohh, you rascal. Well, do what you want, because this Story will happen to YOU. Yeah. YOU. You think you like jokes but you ain’t heard jokes like THIS before. Sleep tiiiight. Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar” The Truth about Devon Tune in to our Patreon for a...

Goodnight My Love is now on sale as a novella: https://a.co/d/33wdnvx When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space, www.lastpodcastlive.com for new special $6.66) Featuring: Jackie...

Hello? Who’s there? The Church is CLOSED. Oh! Goodness! It’s just you, listener. Join the clergy in the dead of night, in the empty Church, as we recount our share of spookies: Brother Reid Endures a Visitor Sister Callista Surrenders to the Parcel Pastor Andrew Interrupts Tragedy Oh how we wish the congregation could join us in hot, steamy PERSON. Merch, for Bodies: https://topatoco.com/collectio...

Marriage consumes lives as often as it saves them. Have you been consumed by a partner, whole, so every piece of you seeks to serve the other? On the tottering seesaw of codependence, were your feet on the ground, or did you wobble in the sky, eyes focused solely on the greedy heft of your spouse? What sound will you make when you fall? This service to this here Story was crafted in conjunction wi...

On this, our one-hundredth proper episode, Chalms guides us to profound questions: What were you doing in the Soviet Union between 1978 and 1984? Did you suffer for your crimes? Or is your suffering yet to come? Heh heh, atone, congregants. Atone! Residing Congregant: Chalms Invocation Petitions on behalf of Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Will Last Forever” The Boy, The Bell We have me...

The places you visit in your dreams are real! The people within will find you! They will yell at you! Ohhh what did you do? Because I tell you what: you DESERVE it. Invocation Medal Award Ceremony Recipient: Woodrow the Dog Liturgical Reading: “The Dreamt City” The Return Ohhh help us enduuure, allow us to prosper: patreon.com/tsmbt

We’re boned, congregants! Yeah, we screwed the pooch bad, chomped a big fat one, sat on a REAL stinker. Even the Story knows turmoil, Narrator and Listener alike. Dang! Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Solemn Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Wandering Narrator” The Return Slop like a pig in the pen of our spiiiicy Patreon: patreon.com/tsmbt

Greeting cards bring joy and consolation to the grieving and joyous. Imagine a card that brings ruin. What would the card say? Do you believe the card, or deny the truth it has brought you? What will you do when you are replaced? The CORY Imploring of Recipes Liturgical Reading: “The Replacement” Concluding Prayer We got hot merch, yeah you know about it: www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt

You know that feeling when you hug your aunt and she whispers in your ear, “I’m proud of the way you cut hair, Eugene”? Well, this one is also about feelings! Feelings deep down! Feelings with feelings. Feelings ready to CONSUME. Ruff ruff, snort snort, congregants. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Righteous Congregants MORE CORY Liturgical Reading: “Their Unholy Spirit” Concluding Prayer Patreon...

Brothers come in all sizes! In the Story, the biggest brother shall be the littlest, and vice versa yeah you get it. If there’s one truth for you in today’s Story, it is this: some kids are real chunks-a shit. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Humble Congregants CORY Liturgical Reading: “Little Brother” Concluding Prayer Did you know we have an exclusive Discord channel just for congregants? Gain...

Yeah drink a brew, pop a mozz’ stick, and bowl yourself a handsome strike, you goof! This Story is about bowling and probably NOTHING else. Nope! Stop askin questions! Oh also?? Uh, yeah: we’re RICH. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Wealthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game” Concluding Prayer Join our wealthy, ohh just swimmin in smackers church at patreon.com/tsmb...

Congregants gather and spit runny in your palms, because we got something you'll wanna grease up and hog down on. YEAH: a BONUS episode. Contained in this thoughtful bonus: Spider Bite Shake My Hand An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy Next Tuesday, for patrons we will have a 522 Club episode, and will return the following week with a brand new Story. PLUMP.

False holiday alarm! Ring ring ralse! If this bell’s a-ringin’ then a Story is false. On this day, we arrive early, for no reason, only to give you extra time upon which to stew on these heresies true. STEW! Invocation Uncle Story Liturgical Reading: “More More More Christmas Heresies” Concluding Prayer A patreon has come to you, healthy and honest! Join the 522 Club and hear a new “podcast” Patre...

Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thing called, um, your social security number ;) Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Get tickets for the Page 7/Wizard and the Bruiser live shows at www.lastpodcastnetwork.com/p7live) Patreon announcement Invocation Grease Fire! Liturgical Reading: “Hot Pics...

A stranger is coming! When they confront you, will you endure or crumple? Heh heh, oh, congregant, the question was rhetorical! We all crumple before the stranger—when the stranger is the STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Four Showers” Liturgical Reading: “Maps of the North” Concluding Prayer A Story symbol pin! A Cro-Croa mug! Coming oh so soon. Await it here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcas...

Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their aged clan—do you dare deny them? Invocation Testimonial: The Dream of Sister Callista Liturgical Reading: “Family Union” Concluding Prayer We have merch and more is on the way. Check it truly here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast