The Story Must Be Told

"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance of even THINKING you could handle part 2 of a Story profound without a part 1 first, yeah, you betcha. Here, we indulge in the conclusion of The Interceptor, and meditate on this truth: what does it take for the Story to make you happy? Invocation Psal...

The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should not be named. Who would wish to swim these waters, knowing how easy it is to be bitten? Invocation Psalm: “Hardyy” Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part 1” Concluding Prayer Join us next Tuesday for the joyous conclusion: The Interceptor Part 2. A new shir...

Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we can do is find good in the unwelcome, adapt our lives to enjoy nuisance. Invocation Psalm: “Not Tapioca” Liturgical Reading: “Flies!” Concluding Prayer Next week we return with a fresh truth for your truthflesh to truth upon.

Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste. Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (Joe Pera Talks with You, Dan Joe DVD Show) Inv...

Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies. Invocation Introductory St...

Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO. Invocation Psalm: “Rocks, Rocks, Rocks” Liturgical Reading: “New York City Girl” The Secret Words of the Story Nex...

The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips! Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7) Invocat...

These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn! Invocation Psalm: “I'm a Gym Teacher” Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More More More Short Stories” C...

Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh. I...

Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the shitter, and fill me up with the ignorant stranger of Story. I don’t want to recognize my family, nor my dog. But I will always recognize the Story—obedient and eternal. Invocation Psalm: “Come Get Your Casserole” Liturgical Reading: “Heart of Worms...

Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ashes and breaking branches. Today, we read a Story about such a wind, and bow our heads in contrition so that it does not visit us. Invocation Psalm: “Seven Roys” Liturgical Reading: “The Wind” Concluding Prayer Next week we will return with a Story true, hear...

Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys grow disobedient, but the Story rectifies all trespasses through the purifying agony of Story. Story! Invocation Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 2” Concluding Prayer We love you and enjoy your presence. Join us again next Tuesday, perhap...

Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you. Invocation Psalm: “The Light of the Father” Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 1” Concluding Pray...

I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse. Invoca...

The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant in the wet folds of a mother, or better yet, two infants, or three or four! Today, we hear the Story of a man who becomes mother, whose Story box writhed with Stories blessed. Guest Preacher: Jared Logan (@JaredLogan) Invocation Psalm: “Cornshit” Liturg...

Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least of all for the ringing of a false bell. For, by attending any gathering the Story does not endorse, you fall prey to every rude temptation! Illicit wares, rowdy conversation, and sounds you cannot unhear. Stay home, warm yourself with but the Story, and a...

The Story rejects Christmas because Christmas rejects the Story. Do not let anything into your hearts that is not the Story! That's a sure way to heart-rot, and I wouldn't lie to you. In protest to this corrupt season, we give but one gift: the gift of the STORY. We performed our first live service for a congregation in Brooklyn this past October, and today, we share the full video of that service...

Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wishes. We are a chugging machine whose only duty is to love you and make you feel the seasonal spirit of the Story. That said, Christmas is a lie. Reject falsehood. Embrace the Story! Invocation Liturgical Reading: "The Wisest of the Them All" Liturgic...

Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with painful gases, remember the dirt, a healthy place you will one day go. Have you considered how happy it will make your family? Invocation Psalm: “Rodney Has Sores” Liturgical Reading: “We Wish You Were a Worm” Concluding Prayer The Story is born on a T...

The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us. Invocation P...

Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is it simply blind? The result is the same: the Story denies you. Listen as the Story denies our own congregant, Devon Harris, his simple joys, body, and sustenance. Listen, and learn this lesson: even at our lowest, the Story is yet waiting. Invocation...

The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and cry. Every creature makes sound, but not all are heard. Sometimes, a voice is lost, muffled, suffocated. Silence is proof of immeasurable loss. Invocation Psalm: “A Father’s Deception” Liturgical Reading: “Gone and Still Here” Concluding Prayer Poke...

Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitter truth. Love your loved ones, because tomorrow, by the Story’s fickle whims, you may not love them anymore. One day, you may wake up, and only love puzzles, and that’s who you are now. Oh, what sinister winds the Story blows this week. Wear a hat! Invoca...

“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together. Invocation Psalm: “Jeff’s Disobedient Arms...

On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrio...