The Reconnection Club Podcast

"You should get therapy." Has your adult child said those words to you? Have they made therapy a condition of continuing the relationship? Being told to seek therapy is no one's idea of a compliment. But for parents of estranged adult children, it may be the start of a fantastic voyage into their own inner depths. Not to mention an unexpected portal to a better relationship with themselves and the...

Many parents of estranged adult children feel like they're in a revolving door with their child. One moment they're in contact, the next they've gone radio silent again. Researchers call this periodic or cyclical estrangement, and it's a dangerous pattern. Just like author Harriet Brown (Shadow Daughter), adult children can decide one day that they've had enough. For good. Even in that case, paren...

There's no question that estrangement from an adult child is painful for rejected parents. But many parents suffer even more than necessary, because they believe their child is willingly hurting them. Nobody wants to think of their child as heartless, cruel, mentally ill, easily brainwashed, or any of the other qualities often attributed to people who estrange themselves from family. Instead, Tina...

Is your estranged adult child the black sheep of the family? If so, there are things you need to know about how to reach out and try to reconnect. This episode features an excerpt from Tina's interview with Dr. Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, a professor of Communication at Michigan State University. Her research on the experiences of people who identify as the "family black sheep" has revealed informati...

Although estrangement from family isn't normal for young adults, a normal phase of development can contribute to your child's need for distance. In this episode, Tina briefly explains individuation and differentiation, and why these natural processes sometimes require distance from family. More importantly, she talks about specific steps you can take if you suspect your child's estrangement is lar...

"What if my child never speaks to me again?" This is the worst fear for many a parent who's estranged from their adult child(ren). Few cases of parent-adult child estrangement are truly hopeless. But there are three that just might have you making your peace with never reconciling. In this episode, Tina discusses three circumstances where reconciliation is, in her opinion, unlikely. The first two...

If you're having trouble in any relationship… Especially if you're the parent of an estranged adult child… You can't afford NOT to be good at apologies. We know that people who estrange themselves from family don't do it to be hurtful. They do it because they feel hurt in those relationships. They're protecting themselves. That's why apologies are sometimes the only communication that can break th...

Not every parent estranged from their adult child (or children) is in exactly the same place, emotionally or spiritually, during the estrangement. From observation, Tina hypothesizes that parents go through five predictable stages. And just like the stages of grief observed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, not everyone goes through all of them, and the stages don't necessarily follow a particular order....

What's the difference between estrangement from your biological child vs. an adopted child, particularly when that child is of a different race, or comes from a different country? Eli Harwood of the PASS Center in Denver, Colorado answers that question for us on today's episode. This episode will be of interest to both adoptive and biological parents who want to make sure they're on the same page...

When adult children cut off contact with their parents, their silence can be excruciating. But that's largely because of the way that silence gets interpreted. Here are some particularly painful interpretations of silence: "I hate you." "You're not worth a reply." "You mean nothing to me." "I'm never going to talk to you again." No wonder it's so painful when your child stops responding. And no wo...

Rejected parents sometimes say things like, "My child has made a lot of bad choices. She's miserable, and according to her, it's all my fault." In other words, the adult child is choosing to blame her parent or parents for her problems. Treating them like garbage because she feels bad about herself. Turning parents into scapegoats. Blaming someone else for our problems is common, but we usually bl...

Even estranged adult children will sometimes get into text exchanges with their parents. Especially if your child is young, he or she may need to engage in logistical conversations with you about things like phone bills, car insurance, or college tuition. Which is to say that not every estranged adult child is completely radio silent 100% of the time. If you sometimes text with your estranged chil...

At last, your child is back in touch! And while it feels wonderful to be close again, you don't want to say or do the wrong thing. You instinctively know what the research has shown, which is that estrangements can and do happen over and over again within the same parent-child relationship. And every time your child becomes estranged, you don't know if this will be the last time. So you're walking...

At some point, if you're estranged long enough, something will come up that will make you wonder, "Is it okay to contact him about this?" This is not an easy decision for estranged parents. Especially if your child has asked you to reduce or eliminate contact for the time being, should you go against her wishes in special cases? And what constitutes a special case? Reconnection Club members someti...

You might seek out an estrangement specialist for therapy, because you want someone with a certain amount of compassion for what you're going through – probably someone who's been there. This is true of most estrangement specialists. Apart from your podcast host, Tina Gilbertson, most professionals who specialize in estrangement coaching are, or have been, involved in their own estrangements. In t...

When it comes to behavior from your child that surprises you, what seems out of character may actually be an adult child expressing an essential part of who she is. How you respond to out-of-character behavior will probably have some impact on the relationship. Whether the effect is ultimately positive or negative, is up to you. Here's the quote from T.S. Eliot, recited in this episode: "We die to...

For parents estranged from adult children, it's not easy getting through the holidays. This episode contains six survival tips to help see you through a potentially difficult time of year. One of the ideas mentioned, perhaps not surprisingly, is to volunteer (as long as you're up for it mentally, emotionally and physically). Not only can helping others boost your mood, but it's easier than ever to...

Like everyone else, you made your share of mistakes in parenting. But you weren't so horrible that you deserve to be treated like a criminal. Although child abuse is a cause of many estrangements, you didn't abuse your child. So why won't your adult child cut you some slack? Why is she demanding that you apologize? (If you or your spouse or partner ever abused your child, then a series of sincere...

The question of how often to reach out to an estranged adult child is probably one of the top concerns of rejected parents. That's mostly because they're in a hurry to resolve the situation, which is understandable. They want to know how soon they can try again. If you're feeling anxious about when you can or should contact your estranged child, please listen to Episode 1 to get another perspectiv...

Here in the U.S., Thanksgiving Day will soon be here. In this season of gratitude, many estranged parents continue to send gifts to their estranged adult children without receiving a thank-you. Why do adults who were raised with good manners behave rudely? Consider it a red flag and stand down; the scary truth is that you could actually prolong your child's estrangement by continuing to send cards...

It's incredibly sad and distressing to be estranged from your adult child or children. Yet a positive attitude can make life more manageable, no matter what's going on. Being more positive is good for both mental and physical health. But adopting such an attitude is so much easier said than done, when you're estranged from your own child! You can't feel more positive just by wanting to. But the go...

Taking responsibility is not the same as accepting blame. Blame is punitive, destructive, and a dead end. Responsibility, on the other hand, is constructive. Responsibility says, "I'll take on this challenging task." Taking responsibility for your relationship with your estranged adult child is an intentional act that puts you in the driver's seat. If you want to see changes in your relationship o...

Whether your adult child lives in the same city as you, 100 miles away, or on the other side of the globe, it's always possible that you could be faced with sudden, unexpected contact. What if he calls or texts you out of the blue? What if you bump into her at the farmer's market? You may be surprised by spontaneous contact, but you don't need to be unprepared. This episode offers parents 4 steps...

While you certainly can't force your adult child to communicate with you, there are skills you can employ the next time you do have contact that will help them want to talk to you. This episode outlines three things to get good at if you want to become your child's (or anyone else's) favorite confidant. If you don't currently have contact with your child, that's okay. These skills require practice...

A good apology is the ultimate relationship repair tool, and a must for anyone estranged against their wishes. Still, many parents are hesitant to embrace the idea of apologizing to their estranged adult children. I've thought a lot about why this is, and have come up with what I call the "Four Horsemen of the Apology." These are things that get in the way of parents making use of this incredibly...