The Real Weird Sisters: The Archive

The moment we've all been dreading has finally arrived, so have a seat on the washing machine, pour yourself a tall glass of Harry-flavored Polyjuice Potion (it's much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle!) and drink to our poor sweet girl, the true fallen warrior, queen of our hearts, Hedwig. We're really going to miss her as she goes off on her new adventure of happily exploring the world and staying s...

The Dursleys and Harry bid each other adieu, though not quite as tearfully as Hestia and Dedalus (aka the Order’s D-Squad) predicted. Awkward moments ensue when Harry realizes that Dudley didn’t actually attempt a clever booby trap, Vernon realizes the Order’s master plan to get their house, and Dedalus refers to the Dursleys in the absolute least flattering manner. Meanwhile, Alice and Martha dis...

In this crossover episode, The Real Weird Sisters (Alice and Martha) are joined by special guest Mary Kwiatkowski (@FrailMary) and the Sorting Reaping Ball to sort the characters of The Hunger Games into Hogwarts houses. Be aware that the show contains spoilers from both The Hunger Games and Harry Potter series. Please subscribe to our show! Book club episodes are released every Monday.

As Harry makes his way through his trunk and reads his newspaper, he is also forced to reckon with the fact that he is now a magic school dropout. Hedwig is trapped in her cage (moment of silence), the validity of Elphias Doge's friendship with Dumbledore is questioned, and Harry realizes that his education has failed him. But at least he can do maths and stuff! Finally, Alice and Martha come to a...

Martha relives an embarrassing stream of Facebook videos, Alice reveals that she does not really care about Charity Burbage, and both sisters get a little too caught up looking up pictures of white peacocks. Also featured in the chapter are Voldemort being extremely withholding, Lucius being pathetic, and Yaxley trying way too hard. When you finish listening, we hope you won’t be wondering “what’d...

This may be J.K. Rowling's favorite film of the series (we have some theories as to why that is), but it is certainly none of ours. Nevertheless, we had a great time with Shandy of the Broadcast ( https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-broadcast/id1128235491?mt=2 ) dissecting everything about the sixth movie from the romances to the fiyah to the acting. Oh, and @ShutUpTim was there too. Please...

We've reached the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, or as we like to call it, Harry Potter and Snape. Is the final chapter as good as Alice remembered? Is it necessary to include both first and last names of characters we've gotten to know over the course of six books? And did Harry really have to do that stupid, noble thing? You'll find out! Please consider supporting us on Patreon!...

Alice and Martha are joined by the Real Weird Dad to sort an assortment of fictional dads, and then joined by another very special guest, Grandpa Paul Krebill. Paul Krebill's self-published books can be found at http://bit.ly/paulkrebillbooks and http://bit.ly/paulkrebill . Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters . Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show c...

(Spoiler alert) Dumbledore is dead, and Fawkes the phoenix (pronounced FEE-nix) is lamenting. Harry works through his emotions as visitor after visitor enters the hospital wing — even though he’s not hurt. Sparks fly between two unexpected lovebirds, but don’t worry about the fact that it’s in response to Dumbledore’s death, because Dumbledore would have been happier than anyone to think there was...

It's time for the titular reveal! Snape flees Hogwarts, but don't you dare call him coward! Hagrid's hut burns, claiming the lives of several poor, innocent Bowtruckles, but it's nothin' Dumbledore won' be able to put righ'. And as usual, Hagrid needs to work on his listening skills. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters . Spoiler warning! Please be aware that...

Come over to the right side... and by that we mean Dumbledore's literal right side. You have to admit, it's a tempting offer! But first, there's time for a quick joy ride to Hogwarts (Accio Rosmerta's Brooms!) and plenty of discussion of the limits of the Imperius Curse. And spoiler alert, Snape kills Dumbledore. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters . Spoiler...

Take a deep breath in and enjoy the salty air of the beautiful cliffs and coast. What a wonderful spot to take the orphans for a weekend getaway! It's also a great spot for Harry to learn the true meaning of the conditions to which he agreed to come on this adventure and for Dumbledore to prove that, despite his age, he's a really strong swimmer. And don't worry, the drinks are on us (bring your o...

The creature in Harry's chest may be gone, but the seeker is overhead as Harry, Ginny, and Harry's Hungarian Horntail tattoo spend the last carefree weeks of the series together. Meanwhile, Hermione is unpleasantly intentional, Trelawney is cracking up, and Dumbledore is faced with a very unexpected dilemma. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters . Spoiler warni...

Two very special and long-awaited guests join Alice and Martha to celebrate Mother's Day. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters . Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series. Book club episodes are released every Monday and special topics shows are released periodically. Subscribe to our show...

This chapter includes one of Harry’s — sorry, “Roonil’s” — lowest points in the series, but also some very positive moments for other characters, such as the creature in Harry’s chest. It just goes to show that our actions don’t always have consequences! In addition to his choice of attack on Malfoy, Harry faces several moral dilemmas, including whether to tell Ron his true feelings for Ginny, ris...

Finally, with Slughorn's original memory in hand, Dumbledore can tell Harry the truth. 100% of it! There's nothing, absolutely nothing, that he's keeping from Harry now. Alice and Martha debate the merits of censorship (and Alice seems suspiciously interested in learning more about exactly how to make a Horcrux) and the mathematics of splitting up a soul (again, Alice seems a little bit more intri...

This podcast is covered in tear stains as we bid farewell to Aragog, king of arachnids. But before we get to that, there's plenty of time to brew up something amusing, though hopefully not a curdled purple dumpling. And don't worry, this episode is safe to listen to - we had a house elf test it for you (but please don't tell SPEW). Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweir...

The boy so solid he cannot Apparate half an inch across a room takes advantage of some extra practice sessions in Hogsmeade, while Harry continues to obsess over Malfoy and a very pretty girl who is standing guard over the Room of Requirement. Most importantly, Alice and Martha discuss a very promising fan theory about Tonks's true identity. God, we've all been stupid! Please consider supporting u...

Two new queens have entered the scene, and they come in the form of a melting iced cake and the oldest house elf in the world. In other words, we'd be glad to see anything Miss Hepzibah has to show us, and we've never been more in sympathy with SPEW. Get ready for some master manipulation this chapter, as Tom Riddle charms Zacharias's great-great-something and Dumbledore plays puppet master to jus...

Ron spends some time recovering in the hospital wing, avoiding Lavender, and leaning into his true feelings for Er-my-nee. Harry spends his time obsessing over Malfoy, avoiding Lavender (and Cormac), and jumping to conclusions about Sn-I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. And like McLaggen's Bludger does with Harry's head, worlds collide as Peeves, Dobby, and Kreacher (and Martha's impressions of them) al...

Two real weirdos are back to talk about tales of elves — all 399 of them! That number is certainly significant, though not quite as significant as this chapter’s opening words: so, all in all. Wow. Brilliant. Really brilliant. You may be surprised by this week’s real weirdo and chapter ranking, but nothing is as surprising as the shock of finding out that “it’s locked!” Please consider supporting...

No shortcuts or cheats are going to help Harry during the most challenging Potions lesson of the year so far, so he resorts to sheer cheek--oh, he is his mother's son! The sixth years begin Apparition lessons, though Harry's not really fussed; after all, he prefers brooms. Ron gets a seriously good haul for his birthday, but he also gets--as the title of the chapter suggests--a few surprises. Plea...

Harry and the gang return to Hogwarts via the Floo Network, and are sure not to get any ash on the carpet. In the fallout of the Fat Lady's overindulgence over the holidays, Alice and Martha finally figure out the true meaning behind some of Lupin's most enigmatic words. And finally, Slughorn does a very convincing job of covering up his darkest memory. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! ww...

It's Christmas at the Burrow, and everyone is celebrating (except the poor garden gnome being held hostage on the top of the tree). The Weasley family listens to Celestina Warbeck's marvelous tunes, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, and Harry takes the opportunity to catch up with his buddy Arthur and wise old Professor Lupin, whom we neither like nor dislike this chapter. Finally, Scrimgeour sh...

Slughorn's Christmas party has everything we could ever ask for, from a real vampire (though sadly, it's not Rufus Scrimgeour), to a Weird Sisters sighting. Harry spends the night dodging all his least favorite people, and the Queen Slug stoops to astonishing lows when she invites the King Slug to be her date. It's a relatively short chapter, but there's still plenty of time for Ron to be a jerk,...