The Real Weird Sisters: The Archive

Heh! $%&*#!! Three highly edible humans take a joyride on the back of a dragon - in case you hadn't noticed, they just broke out of Gringotts. They're covered in burns, but it's nothing a little dittany and pumpkin juice can't fix. At least they're not wearing the cup around their necks, that would look weird! And to wrap up this very short chapter, Harry gets a highly gratifying "I told you so mo...

The trio flies by the seats of their pants to make good on a premise laid out in book one, *banking* on one evil hair to disguise Hermione (and her voice) perfectly. Griphook keeps a tight grip on ol' Hook, Travers finds an amazing hiding spot in the Gringotts caverns, stalagmite's got an "M" in it, and the Probity Probes are so crude, but effective,. 'Ow you? Hopefully, not in sympathy with the D...

As 2019 comes to a close, we are back to celebrate the holiday season Potter-style. Join us as we rank the best magical locations to celebrate the holidays with returning guest Kate Hildner (@khildner11), go on a choose-your-own-corny-Holiday-adventure with new guest Angela Bloom (@angpalaggi), and sort some classic Christmas characters with the Real Weird Husband/Brother-in-Law, Paul Asleson (@pa...

Harry concocts a despicable plan to double-cross Griphook, though it's not nearly as vile as breaking into Dumbledore's tomb - he could never have done that. Fleur--who is not an owl--escapes from ze Grindylows long enough to give Aunt Muriel back her tirahrah, which is easier done than said! And finally, Remus John Lupin arrives for a well-timed nightcap with his bros, and answers a bunch of ques...

It's back to the book club as Alice and Martha dive into "The Wandmaker," alternatively named "The Banker." Harry makes his decision in the Horcruxes vs. Hallows debate, and he is incredibly confident and assured in the wake of Dobby's funeral. Actually, he's highly logical, which allows him to look past extraneous detail. Meanwhile, You-Know-Who flies off to Dumbledore's tomb, where the old fool...

Alice and seven Marthas are joined by Jessica Liese (@HaymakerHattie) and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to review Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1. Please consider supporting us on Patreon! www.patreon.com/realweirdsisters Spoiler warning! Please be aware that our show contains spoilers for events which take place later in the series. Book club episodes are released every Monday and special...

Numerous plots converge in what is definitely (SPOILER ALERT!) the best chapter of the book so far. Luna, Ollivander, Dean, Aberforth, Draco, Bellatrix, Griphook, Greyback, Grindelwald, and Wormtail all play important roles in the action, but none as important as our fallen warrior, Dobby, a free elf, who knows no master! From new character impressions to moments of silence to tears from an unexpe...

Watch Harry descend into madness as he contemplates the Elder Wand... the Resurrection Stone... the Cloak of Invisibility! Hermione is most skeptical, but old Xeno was right- she is limited. Narrow. Close-minded. Ron provides the trio with some much-needed stability and optimism, not to mention some amazing password-guessing skills. And finally, it’s time for some good ol’ Potterwatch, which is ho...

This episode is set at midnight, not twilight - much spookier! Stretch out on the couch with your hands behind your head, sip your delicious Gurdyroot infusion, and eat some Freshwater Plimpy soup while you listen to Alice and Martha discuss Hermione's incredible translation skills, Luna's interior decor choices, and the complexities of old Xeno's motivations. Please consider supporting us on Patr...

The gang's back together, but Ron has some serious and somber work cut out for him when it comes to winning Hermione over again, and tuning the wireless radio certainly isn't helping. Luckily, Harry and Ron are very subtly able to get away to "pick blackberries," which is bro code for "goof off ten feet away from the tent." Meanwhile, Hermione comes up with a plan to pay old Xeno Lovegood a visit,...

Harry, dressed in all the sweaters he owns and running on two nights without sleep, makes the wise decision to follow a mysterious doe (dough?) deep into the Forest of Dean. Ron, with a ball of light inside his chest (we must have heard that wrong) saves the day and makes a triumphant return to the tent (if they can only find it!), where at least Hermione doesn't sic a flock of enchanted birds on...

Yet another cheery chapter to brighten your Monday! Harry finally gets the savage pleasure of finding out the "truth" that old Batty and Enid Smeek shared (willingly or not) with the world's most reliable narrator, Rita Skeeter, and the truth is that Dumbledore shared a damn sight more with Gellert Grindelwald than he ever did with Harry. This super short chapter packs an emotional punch, leaving...

The Christmas fun continues as the bald man and the little woman head to old Batty's house. To be fair, she was very persuasive and acting totally normal! This is one of Voldemort's weakest plans that should have never worked, but to Hermione's surprise, Harry's mistake was not failing to close his mind, but failing to learn what Parseltongue actually sounds like. This chapter is powerful stuff, a...

This chapter is a major emotional journey. Undesirable Number One finds himself pining for his ex-girlfriend (probably Cho; it is unclear from the context) and entertaining unrealistic theories about the sword in order to get his way. And between the fallout of Ron's departure, reminders of Dumbledore's desertion, and the first trip to James' and Lily's graves, Harry, Hermione, and Martha will all...

The lack of bacon sandwiches is really starting to get to everyone, and it's a real slap of fish on the flesh when they realize they've completely forgotten about the possibility of "Accio Salmon!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione get their first excitement in days when they very coincidentally cross paths with some wizards (and, er, goblins) and learn all about what the sleeping snake has been up to at H...

It's finally time for some CAMPING!! The trio is now on the run, and Kreacher's delicious steak and kidney pie has to be swapped out for some rubbery mushrooms stewed in a billycan. This chapter is full of déjà vu moments, from Harry forgetting that he's a wizard to Hermione lecturing Harry about closing his mind. Harry's "dream" leaves him wondering who the thief is and why he looks so familiar....

The trio continues with their extremely well-thought-out plan at the Ministry, with only a few tiny hiccups along the way. With Hermione and Ron busy doing the actual jobs of their alter egos, Harry checks a most unlikely location for the locket--Umbridge's office, which is apparently now guarded by Mike Wazowski. And don't worry, if you've been missing the horribleness of the High Inquisitor sinc...

One of the biggest mysteries of the book is introduced and resolved over the course of this enigmatic chapter, and no, we're not talking about the mystery of why JK Rowling seems to think even and odd house numbers are on the same side of the street. If you are wondering what has been going on at Grimmauld Place for the last few weeks, so have we! All we know right now is that the square is filled...

An extremely aged Lupin, bearing a strong resemblance to Jacob Marley, shows up at Grimmauld Place to inform the trio of the Death Eaters outside, propose a tempting plan, and drop some very surprising news about Tonks. Harry tries out the name "Remus," and it's about as cool as Remus's insistence on referring to Snape as "Severus." Though the title of this chapter may be a bit off, at least the c...

Once again, the starting page number of this chapter proves to be very significant as Kreacher reveals his story to the trio. But before we get to the elf tale, Harry spends some time ransacking Sirius's bedroom, under the watchful eye of several bikini-clad muggle girls, a very telling photo of the Marauders, and possibly Phineas Nigellus. And "oh, Harry," this chapter is full of revelations, fro...

The trio lands in the middle of London--but NOT on Shaftesbury Avenue--and Ron and Harry (or should we still be calling him Barny??) look extra cool in their dress robes. It's a good thing that Hermione turns out to be more skilled at undetectable extension charms than she is at memory charms. As they search for a place to hide, there's one location we know they definitely won't end up: Grimmauld...

Thanks to Cousin Barny's outstanding attention span, this vunderful chapter is filled with beautiful wedding quotes, which are quite useful for social media posts when people you love get married! This chapter also brings the long-awaited introduction of the effervescent Auntie Muriel, charming family memories of old Uncle Bilius, and intriguing theories about Mr. Weasley's possible extramarital a...

Harry finally comes of age, so it's time to really put his magic skills to the test and make some stuff fly around the room! It's also time to try out a few of the twelve fail-safe ways to charm witches on both of the Weasley women, though Ron and a certain tall, faceless, unpleasant stranger might have something to say about that. In discussing the chapter, Martha uncovers Harry's true signature...

Harry's struggle with his savior complex has never been more real, and there's just no time for anything so completely trivial as vol-au-vents or family weddings! Unfortunately for him, Mrs. Weasley (whose eyes are the exact same shade of brown as Ginny's, coincidentally) has other plans for everyone, which do not include magically-altered motorbikes or plotting Voldemort's demise. We hope this ep...

Martha may not be as excited about this week’s chapter art as she was last week, but the characters do remind us of a certain Hundred Acre Wood character, to everyone’s surprise! Also included this week are the many things we “do like,” Harry mistaking Andromeda for Bellatrix (even though she isn’t singing), and imagined last words for Dumbledore, because we just aren’t buying the ones Lupin and K...