The Purgatory Podcast

A new episode of the Purgatory Podcast? No one's spoken that name in years. Is this "episode" in the room with us right now?

This episode brought to you by the weird but really interesting gas smell in my home.

The first five listeners of this episode shall never again know peace, and will be haunted by specters lurking in the dark corners of their bedroom each night. The sixth listener gets an Applebees gift card.

Look. This episode is just between you and me. Capisce?

Wanna feel old? The year is 2025. It is the current year.

Forget everything you know about podcasts. Okay, now try to remember again. Otherwise you won't know what this is.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket" adherents humiliated and rebutted by my single Easter basket brimming with well-secured eggs.

If you don't listen to this week's episode I'm just going to grind it up and put it in your food dish anyway.

The relevance of this week's episode title to news that broke days after the episode was recorded is just a coincidence. Don't become insane about it.

This trial copy of Podcast Simulator has expired. Please take the Red Pill to exit the simulation or the Blue Pill ($25.99/month) to remain in a parasocial relationship with a stranger.

I'm exempt from being drafted into any future wars due to a mysterious condition I've developed known only as "podcast foot.”

Just got off the phone with every single person in your life and they were telling me how much they like the podcast and how they don't respect you for not having listened to this week's episode yet. They also told me you owe them $100?

This podcast is carbon neutral. I think it’s ok but there are better and worse elements.

This episode really puts the “pod” in podcast *walks away before you can ask me what I mean*

I tried to leave this episode in your mailbox but a dog came after me and bit all of my toes off one by one. It took hours. And then I remembered there's a way easier way to do this.

To whoever used one of their three genie wishes to wish for another episode this week: I was already going to do one. Hope you like this more than one million jet skis, moron.

This podcast is said to be playing in the halls of heaven. Not a big deal, though. It’s just heaven. I honestly hardly ever talk about it but it hasn’t come up organically yet so…

Every play this episode gets helps me feed my echinoderms. Please. My echinoderms are starving.

I'm only making this podcast so that I can get famous enough for Elmo to notice me. I need to exchange words with him.

This episode is not available in your region (Loserville, USA)

Getting pregnant so I can point to my belly and tell people I'm "podcasting for two now."

This episode is being released into the water supply.

They just translated ancient Sumerian tablets which prove once and for all that Die Hard actually isn't a Christmas movie. Piss my life into pieces.

You have used (1) Podcast Listening Token to listen to this podcast. You will receive no more for the duration of your life. Thank you for your business.

This episode is encoded with a message which you can decipher by taking all of the words I say in the order I say them and then deriving meaning from the sentences they form. Good luck.