The Purgatory Podcast

Please stop ringing bells, at this point the angels have way too many wings and it’s starting to get scary.

Back in the day, every box of Cracker Jacks would come with an episode of The Purgatory Podcast inside. Not anymore though. Now we live in hell.

I just now realized that “Moons over my Hammy” is a reference to Moon Over Miami. Why don’t they teach this in school? Instead of "geography."

0 out of 10 dentists recommend this podcast all because I suffer from something called "Viral cavities" that can be spread via the sound of my voice.

My solo breaking of the wishbone attempt this year was foiled by my greatest enemy -- myself.

Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind every podcaster is a horrible monster named The Podbeast who whispers ideas for new episodes to me every night.

I heard they're going to round up all the podcasters and take us to a farm upstate where we can run around and recite Squarespace ad copy to our heart's content.

This episode comes with batteries installed. They’re expanding a little bit but it’s probably because they’re filled with good content.

Trick or treat? Neither. I choose love.

They had to create a new podcast category on iTunes for this podcast called "guy talking who sounds like he has a dog's brain." Always thought of myself as more of a Miscellaneous type of guy but whatever.

All of the background actors in this podcast are making way too much money for an audio-only podcast and they use my bathroom too much. I need to make better decisions.

I was distracted during this episode by a cartoon thought bubble that appeared over my head containing disturbing images of me successfully dropping anvils on the Road Runner. I swear those weren't my thoughts... I don't understand why I saw those things... I'm shaking...

This episode is gluten free, which means I’m free to put gluten in it if I want. And I did.

Yeah this is a self-help podcast alright… you can “help” your “self” to this week’s episode or whatever you weirdos are doing with these.

This episode weighs in at a pound and a half so it will make your phone unbearably heavy if you're one of those people with heavy-ass phone cases. You know who you are. I see you.

If everyone who listens to the podcast gave me $100 it would end all death on earth in perpetuity. Why would I lie about this?

This episode would have brought down the Berlin Wall if Gorbachev hadn't beat me to the punch. Could have waited to let me have a go at it.

If this were olden times I'd trade you this podcast episode for three beans. They'd call this episode a three-beaner.

They're just letting anyone have a podcast these days. It shouldn’t be this easy. You should at least have to fill out forms at the post office or something first.

You know what they say: you can't spell podcast without p, o, d, c, a, s and t. I've tried. It's futile. 

To each person who listens to this episode, I'll nod approvingly in whatever direction I think you are relative to me. Because I actually care about my listeners.

Every episode of this show is over budget because I have to use special production techniques to hide the fact that I'm actually just an infant crying and screaming and not an adult man with thoughts. There are plugins for this.

My life is just like a movie (Gremlins 2: The New Batch, 1990)

This episode is rated R for Rude.

My commentary track for the Blu-Ray deluxe edition release of this episode will be me re-enacting the podcast in reverse to see if the two tracks cancel out into silence. I know they won't but I have to do it. I have to do it.